I sent my heart to you by post,
enclosed with it, my kiss of lust,
it arrived at yours with my love,
but you betrayed my trust.
labelled with "return to sender"
you sealed your own damn fate,
you showed me misery
so I'll fill your world with my hate.
I like your extended metaphor about the letter, which works well.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you are not quite there on the iambic front.
Line 1 = perfect
Line 2 = should be THREE feet (rather than FOUR) - although it is still iambic
Line 3 = right number of syllables, but 'arrived' does not fit the rhythm where it is.
Line 4 = perfect
Line 5 = right number of syllables, but none of the words fits the rhythm where it is placed.
Line 6 = perfect
Line 7 = iambic, but should be FOUR feet (rather than THREE)
Line 8 = get rid of 'so' and 'my' and this would be perfect.
Keep persevering! :)