My heart sunk with your touch
My body flooded with the shame
Like a balloon it popped
My heart was pumping before you came
It’s just a muscle now
Betrayal killed me all the same
Thank you for doing that
My body flooded with the shame
Like a balloon it popped
My heart was pumping before you came
It’s just a muscle now
Betrayal killed me all the same
Thank you for doing that
Almost perfect on so many levels. Your metaphors are brilliant, and your METER is so very nearly there too! :)
ReplyDeleteLine 1 = perfect
Line 2 = almost perfect: change it to "It sunk beneath your touch" because otherwise 'sunk' would be unstressed and sound strange (and you don't need to repeat 'my heart.
Line 3 = perfect
Line 4 = perfect
Line 5 = 'before' adds one too many syllable; swap it for 'when' and it would be perfect
Lines 6-8 = perfect
So you see how CLOSE you are to perfection here? I will not hear any more talk of you not knowing how to do this, because you are ALMOST there... :)