Little Red: (screams) OI MUM! (mother shifts her eyes towards her daughter hastily)
Mother: Yes, Red darling. Whatever is the matter now?
Little Red: I'm going to give these goodies to grandma. Yeah? Buhbye now don't wait up.
Mother: HOLD UP THERE YOUNG LADY. You know the rules though yes?
Little Red: Yeah yeah whatever. We've gone over it a million times now. (mimics mother in a rude high pitched tone) Don't talk to strangers, don't pick strawberries, and never trust any absurd species like foxes to direct you when in need of help... (mutters) again.
Mother: Well done. And make sure you keep that cake well wrapped up. We don't want it getting stuck to the biscuits now do we. What an awful mess that would make!
Little Red: (rolls her eyes and puts on a fake innocent girl's voice) YES MOTHER DEAREST. (back to normal tone) Why's that old bag keep getting sick anyways? I'm sure it was just the other day she wanted us baking cookies for her. How pathetic...
Mother: Don't talk about your grandma like that darling! Can you blame that sweet lady? That bloody wolf nearly gave her a bleeding heart attack the last time this all happened. Speaking of wolf remember not to...
Little Red: I GET IT WOMAN!
Mother: Very well. Now stop all this chit chat. Grandma will be expecting you soon!
Little Red: (she mumbles) Unfortunatly. Well, bye. As I said. Don't wait up.
(she walks towards the forest as a route to grandma's house and endlessly picks strawberries and immediately starts chewing on them, despite her mother forbidding her to do so. She then bumps into a familiar face)
Little Red: (evil smirk) Well hello there Wolfy. How you been?
Wolf: Please, don't hurt me... again. I'm just on my way home now. Honest.
Little Red: I see. Anyways how you holding up... you know after the last time. (looks into space in reminiscent memory smiling) You haven't told anyone about our little secret now have you, cos' if you do... well... you know the drill. (she winks)
Wolf: Yes Red. I won't tell nobody how you beat me senseless and bully me for no absolute reason at all. (uncertainly smiles)
Little Red: And?
Wolf: And especially not to tell your mother. Even though if she does know you won't mind as you are so absolutely ruthless and careless it won't even come across as a big deal to ya, will it?
Little Red: Now that's what I like to hear. But guess what I'm still gonna go ahead and beat ya anyways. You know, for no absolute reason at all... as you said.
Wolf: Please, I really must dash and...
(before he finishes Red picks up an axe left by the local woodcutter near a tree and walks toward the wolf...)
Little Red: Now turn around Wolfy. This won't hurt any more than you think it will. Turn around. NOW!
Wolf: Yes Red. I know the drill...
(She edges towards him with the axe...)
lol, i prefer this to your first attempt
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteExcellent re-draft. The dark humour is sharper and the dialgoue much more concise. The interaction between Little Red and the Wolf could use a bit more concrete deatils of the bullying, but that's just something to keep in mind.
Overall, the subversiveness of Little Redas a bully is brilliant. I definitely was surprised. Surprise is a powerful tool that's difficult to achieve, but you've done it effectively.
Generating sympathy for the Wolf is an important subversion. In the original he does suffer for his crime (or natural instinct?)Thanks for making me look at this story in a new way. The hard work in redrafting this has really paid off.
Hi Sugadust,
ReplyDeleteGreat redraft. I can see that you've really taken my previous comments on board. You've totally grasped the point of the task now, and I hope that you can see how powerful the subversion of archetypes can be. The reversal of the usual power dynamic between Red and the Wolf works brilliantly.
Good job,
Helen
This is MUCH better. What a fantastic example of a redraft. Well done for taking the comments on board and producing such an improved submission as a result. Fantastic stuff! Well done. :)
ReplyDelete