(A man and woman are by the door of their new house. They’ve lived there for a month, although there are dark secrets hidden deep below the surface.)
Bill: god, I miss Detroit.
Donna: yes, well Detroit is a distant memory now.
Bill: sometimes, I don’t want it to be though, even with all the technicalities. I mean, it was home.
Donna: and this isn't?
Bill: of course it is but, the soul, the history, the atmosphere. It’s all gone.
Donna: yes, well you know very well why we had to move.
Bill: (Angered) don’t you get it? It’s all gone. Gone and its never coming back.
Donna: well it’s not my fault you chose to spend your nights ‘at work’. I would of thought ‘work’ doesn’t usually come with a ransom.
Bill: well they don’t call it ‘white gold’ for nothing you know. That same ‘white gold’ bought us this very house!
Donna: funny isn't it. I spent 75% of my day busting my ass off and I still only earned half you did.
Bill: what do you mean?
(Donna smiles sarcastically)
Donna: oh, and I bet you’ve had you’re fair share of violence. The odd dickhead who ‘will get you the money tomorrow’ instead he didn’t see tomorrow because his life had already ended.
Bill: and you expect me to disagree? I can’t say that didn’t happen. People take you for a fool if you let those things happen and before you know it you’re on the receiving end!
Donna: so is that how we ended up here then? So you didn’t get maimed? So I didn’t end up with your corpse in my bin one day?
Bill: well what do you want me to say!
Donna: the opposite would be nice!
Bill: well at least I’m not lying to you.
(Donna sighs)
Donna: you really don’t get it do you, you bloody don’t even understand why I’m mad at you!
Bill: of course I do.
Donna: oh don’t give me that bullshit! You never have and you never will!
(Donna finally gives in and starts to sob)
Bill: oh come here, I didn’t make out for it to be this way bu…
Donna: no, you! You stay the fuck away from me! I should of known you were nothing but a washed up junkie when we first met!
(Humbled, Bill bows his head and is silent)
Donna: I can’t take this anymore I’ve had enough! I’m leaving you Bill and you can’t stop me!
(With that she leaves a sobbing bill. Broken. On the doorstep of a darkened house).
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThe way that you go straight to the action works really well here - the characters have strong, distinct voices and work well together. This is particularly good in the way in which they communicate - they obviously know each other very well, so they don't need to spell everything out.
I think, though, that this spareness doesn't work quite so well in the middle of the piece - I was slightly confused about what had actually happened in Detroit (which, by the way, is well-handled - we get the sense of their having actually been somewhere, as real people, before this encounter, rather than being just 'play characters'). You've done well, as I say, not to tell the audience too much, but here I think we need to know just a bit more so that the reasons for Donna's turnaround are a bit more specific.
Overall, a very good, consistent piece - well done.
Penny
thanks for the feedback penny,
ReplyDeletei think the reason why the piece is so sparse is because i seemed to be in a sparse mood if you get what i mean :s (if that exists :))
Hello,
ReplyDeleteThe scope of this is admirable and your characters as ever decisive and resolute. The white gold, as i took it, is cocaine, the couple were living a criminal, drug addled life in Detroit and have escaped to try and establish a rural idyll, unless I have missed something?
I think you need to give us more insight into both of these character's personal lives. Make more of the attempted lifestyle switch, what does Bill miss, what is 'the soul, the history' does it consist of material things, friends? Give specifics.
You don't really make enough of the dark secrets which announce the story, I know from previous work you can get into the psyche of a character more deeply than you do here, sparseness is good and would perhaps suit the mood of the painting but just use it better.
The dialogue seems a bit vague and contrived at times. However, you make a good job of the accents, though the inflection switches between trans-Atlantic drawl and English earnestness. I don't think I've ever heard an American say 'bloody' or 'dickhead', unless these are English characters you have supplanted into the story? You should make this clear. Capitalise the beginnings of your lines as well!
A good piece overall, but could be improved with work, well done.
Like I've said to Yaz and Shiningstar already, I think that, despite the strength of lots of your dialogue, this piece still veers towards melodrama. Please read my comments on the those two students' attempts, and see how they can be applied to yours. It might also be worth reading my comments about 'tension graphs' to Angel_K, as it applies equally to you.
ReplyDeleteA bold attempt nonetheless, though. Well done!