23;59, 8th September 1809, Le Beignon, France.
I woke up in a cold sweat. My ears pricked. Pitter-patter. T'was raining. Clap's of thunder. Twas pouring. A storm to welcome the new day. 00;00. And that's when I heard her. She was faint-sounding at first, I thought it was a dog outside. A dog howling. But a dog's cries did not sound as sharp as this. I thought it was a girl outside. A little french girl seeking refuge under our porch, away from the rain. What kind of parents would let their baby wonder the village at night like this? Come to think of it, her cries are too deep. Obviously not a mans. Her voice was not broken, but her cries were. Painful, empty, sorrowful cries. She was not on the porch, she was in the house! Downstairs, in the living room. An open space filled with little more than an old bookshelf and a sofa. What was she doing down there? Had I left the front door unlocked? No, that's not at all like me. The crying. It was getting louder. I could vividly hear it now. Not echoey. In fact, right near me. She was in the corner of the room! I could not see a thing, apart from when the lightning bolts provided glimses of a shadow.
"bonjour madame. Sont bien vous ? Quelle heure vous l'appelez-vous pour me déranger de mon sommeil avec votre cri ? Arrêtez-vous s'il vous plaît! Arrêtez-vous en ce moment! bonne nuit!"
The crying stopped. All was silent. It was dark. Even the clouds must have heard this commotion because they put a stop to the thunder and rain.
Suddenly footsteps! Stomping, angry, outraged footsteps running towards me. Almost touching, bumping into my bedside. I can hear her loud and clear - "Pisse de!" and then she laughed a victorious laugh and ran downstairs...
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI like your interpretation of the music. The growing annoyance at an intrusive sound. In general the writing is good but needs a bit of editing. Try and look through it to find words which are unnecessary. It will make the overall scene and the specific images more powerful. Just an example. The penultimate paragraph is an inspired image. Look again at the last sentence and think of active phrasing "The clouds heard and." Very evocative piece, though, showing true depth of feeling. Hope to see you on June 4th.
Hi there
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting and vivid, but somewhat confusing.
I don't know if there's a particular reason you chose to set it in early 19th century France - It doesn't seem like there's any particular reason for this, which made the whole scenario feel a bit like a red herring to me.
Also, I'm a bit confused about the characters. The woman seems concerned at first, or possibly afraid, but when she speaks she seems angry. The girl seems distraught, but then furious. I didn't feel I've been given any explanation for this transition, so I found it puzzling.
some very nice use of language, though, eg 'her voice was not broken but her cries were' or the abrupt rhythms of 'the crying stopped. All was silent. It was dark.'
good job
claire
I don't think form or sense matter too much with a task like this week's. You have made these associations through listening to the music. The emphasis here was more on spontaneity and creativity, which you have delivered.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot going on here, as there is in the song you have chosen. That track featured one of the first uses of sampling in modern pop music and I think what you have done here is sampled things from different places. To turn this into one piece of writing you will have to take one of these ideas and think very carefully about structure and form give it much more space.
Alternatively you could come up with several new stories from this one set of ideas.
I liked your description of the living room, the general idea of the lost child and smatterings of French, and the half sleeping narrator. Be careful not to get too melodramatic and make sure that if you are going to use another language it is serving the story.
Good work
S.
Not sure what else I can add to these splendid comments - so make sure you have read them carefully.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I, too, LOVED so much of this (the personification of the clouds; the punchy, short sentences etc.), and the dreaminess often works really well.
Two other things though: make sure you are using a consistent tense (you seem to flit between past and present here and there); and are you sure your French is accurate? It is a good 16 years since I did my A Level French, and so I may just be rusty - but I was unclear on some of it (including the final phrase). If you decide it is essential to include French dialogue (like, for example, the American writer, Cormac McCarthy uses a lot of Spanish here and there in his writing), it's important it is 100% accurate.