Eve: (Breaks the awkward silence) So where were you last night?
Dan: I was at a meeting .It ended really late so I stopped over in a friend’s house.
Eve: I was worried.
Dan: Why? What’s the worse that can happen?
Eve: Well firstly we are in a different country and secondly…
Dan: Well you didn’t have to come.
Eve: (Looks hurt) But I wanted to. I want to support you.
Dan; I don’t need support!
Eve: Dan, Why are you being like this?
Dan: Look Eve this relationship is going nowhere, supporting me isn’t going to make everything better.
Eve: (Looks down) It was worth a try.
Dan: Not really Eve, I don’t love you and…
Eve: And what Dan!
Dan; I …
Eve: (on the verge of tears) No don’t say it. Please Dan, don’t say you’re in love with someone else please I beg you.
Dan: (Looks sympathetic) It’s been four years Eve. We don’t love each other.
Eve: (tears rolling down her cheek) I LOVE YOU! Please don’t do this Dan please.
Dan: But I …
Eve: Yes I know you have had countless affairs but I’ve forgiven you Dan I’ve forgiven you.
Dan: What, you knew?
Eve: (Smiling kindly)Yes I’ve known all this time. But it’s in the past…
Dan: So you pretended to believe all my excuses.
Eve: Yes Dan because I love you and I would do anything for you, and now me you and our baby-
Dan: BABY!!
Eve: Yes our baby. Mine and yours.
Dan: (speaks quietly) You’re pregnant.
Eve: Yes honey, isn’t it great? (She walks over and hugs him)
Sorry for posting late.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI have to admit to being confused as to how Eve ended up in the room, has she flown in from another country? You could clear up that opening.
This is a strained situation and it all gets a bit melodramatic, the middle part of the dialogue felt too compact, like you are trying to squeeze too much plot development into too narrow a space. I think you are on the right track however, the reticence and distracted pose of the woman in the picture certainly suggests she has something heavy on her mind. A few alterations and you will have an interesting piece.
I think Dan's reaction to the news of Eve's pregnancy is too stereotyped and his ongoing belief in his wife's ignorance to his womanising hard to swallow.
One other thing, if you look at the painting there are a lot of 'props' that you could make use of to add atmosphere and an extra descriptive dimension to the story, the newspaper and the piano for example.
That apart, good stuff. Well done.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is a little too short for the ground it covers - the effect on the reader is one of slight breathlessness! This can be sorted, though, by giving the characters a little more "room". For example, there is an "awkward silence" at the beginning, but the audience needs to see this established - perhaps Eve is looking out of the window for a little while, but keeps glancing back to Dan (who is resolutely reading the newspaper), expecting him to say something. What has Eve been doing while Dan has been away? - We don't necessarily need to know as an audience, but the character certainly needs a motivation for being in a different country in order to tell her husband of her pregnancy.
Your ear for dialogue is good, though, and this is intriguing - well done.
Thanks for commenting, I'm kicking myself over not adding in the props especially the newspaper.Thanks again
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I hope you are flattered by criticism rather than defeated by it - as it is the only way any writer gets better and better all the time, and you have SO much potential.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I tend to agree that this piece (like Yaz's, to some extent) is rather 'obvious'. As a writer, you are shouting rather than suggesting (see my comments on Yaz's attempt), and it does all become rather melodramatic too.
I reckon you could learn a lot by reading some Harold Pinter. Borrow a copy of THE CARETAKER from my room, and see how he writes the complete opposite of melodrama, in which everything is suggested and implied, and awkward silences abound. Next time, why not try a more 'Pinteresque' approach?