(Jeremy a young pianist around the age of 20 is getting ready for an all night performance at the Bingo Gala, it is empty at the moment but as the hours pass the players flock in barbarically. He feels nervous and starts to shiver violently but the Call-out, who seems around the age of 40, hands him some medicine which he claims help him all the time.)
Jeremy: (Shivers Violently from head to toe whilst clenching his arms in a defensive position) OH MY GOD, MY FIRST EVER SHOW! I’D BETTER NOT MUCK THIS UP.
Call-out: (Stands in a complete contrasting stance to Jeremy with his hands folded gently, his arms folded, and he himself leaning on the curtains with his eyes closed.) Ah don’t sweat it kid, I know how you feel now, I remember my first day as well, so much happened that I…errrrm… (the Call-out changes now to a defensive stance embarrassed of the “incident” that had happened to him).
( Jeremy stares at the Call-out in an oblivious manner but soon returns back to his fragile minded state).
(Call-out walks towards Jeremy)
Call-out: Eh Kid, Take it easy. It all gets better in the end.
If you want I can help you “ease” the pain.
Jeremy: W-W-W-Whh-What D-D-Did you have in mind?
Call-Out: Well Kid, in my day we use to have this thing called… Mini-shots.
They’re guaranteed to “KICK” the old jitters if you know what I mean.
Jeremy: W-W-What D-Do TH-TH-THEY do?
Call-out: Listen kid, I’m a busy dealer... I-I-I Mean wheeler…yeah wheeler, I ain’t got time to be goofin’ around with you here. So either take the “shots” and have a great performance or leave them and spend the night a failing disaster.
Jeremy: Well… I do need quite a lot of help right now, and I can’t play at all with my fingers shivering like this…
Call-out: Yeah so…?
Jeremy: All right…How much to make me confident?
Call-out: It’s Cheap, only $50.
( Jeremy seems sceptical at first but eventually hands over the money)
( 2 hours later the time of the all night performance)
( Jeremy has taken the “ Shots” and he is now much more confident and Raring to go, his body has stopped shivering and things seem to look up for the young pianist).
Call-out: And please welcome our new performer, keep in mind he’s only 20 or so ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy Baker!
(The Audience applaud Jeremy as he strolls out from backstage with a smug look on his face)
(Jeremy struts towards the piano in his penguin tux, and starts to play melancholy music from Amadeus Mozart himself.)
Call-out: Number 9! Number 9! Anybody have a number 9! Number 9! Number 9!
Number 9! Number 9! Number 9! Anybody for a number 9!
( There is no answer from the audience, only a few disheartened grunts)
Maggy: OOO AHH, this young lad’s got potential Meera, I think we should watch out for this one in the future.
Meera: I think so too. Good going young man!
(Jeremy smirks confidently)
Jeremy: Ladies, Ladies, there’s really nothing to it.
( 2 hours later and the “shots” start to kick in and Jeremy’s piano skills deteriorate distinctively)
( Speech is also Slurred)
Jeremy: W-wharrsh gooooing ooooonn?!
Call-out: HAH this is where the performance really starts.
Jeremy: wharshh thisshhh finggsshh?
Maggy: Oh dear Meera I think I might have been wrong about our young lad here aren’t I?
Jeremy: whaarsh?
( As Jeremy tries to regain concentration he notices that the world surrounding him seems to be moving at a much faster rate than he is and so tries desperately to concentrate)
Jeremy: Shhhlowwww Down
( Although it was a valiant effort it was to be to no avail)
Jeremy: ARGHHH!!! Arhg!
Call-out: Whoo!!! It’s getting’ started!!!
(eventually the world moves to fast for Jeremy to follow and he eventually trembles to the floor).
Life...Hi
ReplyDeleteI see that you hve written a play instead of prose, but there is enough material in this to turn it into prose and it seems to naturally want to go that way anyway.
I think you should keep all of this from Jeremy's point of view and stay with describing what he perceives is going on around him, before and after he takes the 'potion'. It is often easier to describe such strong impressions from a 'first person' point of view, so you could turn Jeremy into yourself and imagine what sensations you are experiencing as you worry about the impending concert, listen to some dodgy type offering you drugs, take them anyway and then proceed to get stoned out of your head.
You describe Jeremy's 'fragile mind state'. Instead, describe what that feels like. This is the strength of prose writing - you can really let your imagination run riot.
Instead of having Meera and Maggy as characters, Jeremy/yourself could hear clearly their voices, because Jeremy/you have developed enhanced hearing as a result of being drugged.
When the world moves at a much faster pace, really explore how this feels/looks/sounds to Jeremy/yourself. And what does his/your body feel like, look like, just before the moment of collapse and falling to the floor?
The whole feeling of track one for me was this sense of distortion, of sounds coming from many different places and many different situations, even though as a listener I can only be in one place and one situation at a time. I found that whole 'multiple existence' feeling fascinating as I listened to the music. Perhaps you could also explore the idea of multiple dimensions that your character experiences in this strange state.
So you have a lot to play with. A lot of experimentation and more 'letting go' could produce some really original and creative results.
I am currently reading 'The Impressionist' by Hari Kunzru. Here is an excerpt. Pran, the main character, has been drugged against his will, and is continually drugged until his perception of the world gradually begins to change. He is in a tiny room, staring at a tiny crack in the wall. 'Hours of lassi-fuelled staring see it grow into a river bed, a honeycomb, a pit out of which crawl tiny skeletons, an interlocking web of cricket pads and bats, a spinning portrait of the King-Emperor with pale blue face and saffron hair, an ants' nest, a market...'
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
ann g
I agree with Ann - this would work SO much better as prose, as you seem to be constricted by the medium of drama here and a prose narrative would give you the freedom you need with this piece.
ReplyDeleteAlso, do try the book Ann recommends. If it is not in your local library (or at school), I am happy to lend it to you...
Hello life,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this. I could really feel the influence of track 1 throughout the piece. The music does have a strange, hallucinatory quality which you've really picked up on.
I agree that this strangeness could be amplified by converting this into a first person narrative. You could keep the voice of the bingo caller (which I think you've captured wonderfully, by the way) in the dailogue, but bring out the elation and eventual sense of panic by giving the reader direct access to Jeremy's head.
You could really have fun with this, imagining the colours, the disorientation, the disembodied voices. I think it's got bags of potential!
Helen
This is a very strong scenario - bizarre, unsettling, comic - that is already engaging; with a little work it could be a brilliant piece of prose. It would certainly profit from being adapted to prose, because this form would lend itself to interiority better than script does. I think the script relies a little too heavily on dialogue - in a short story, these sensations and thoughts could be illustrated through a narrative voice that borrows from Jeremy's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I'm not sure you'd even NEED dialogue in a short story - it could be really interesting for the reader to experience the scene as Jeremy himself does, merely absorbing the things that are happening around him - we could really get inside his head, disorientated as he is!
This is very original stuff - you've got great ideas for scenarios. Well done.