(Kate and Ash standing outside their terrace, they came home from a friend’s place.)
Ash: What the hell was that about? What were you thinking of? You nearly, oh my gosh…what if something was to …
Kate: Err…what are you talking about? (looks at Ash) It wasn’t my fault, I just…just couldn’t stay there any longer. (looks away from Ash) She got lucky or else I would of...
Ash: You know exactly what I’m talking about, but that gives you no right to (pause)
Kate: (looks towards Ash) To what? To what Ash? Go on then, say it. You know I’m not the kind of person who would do such a thing but she crossed the line.
Ash: Oh God Kate, why do you have to be like this? (puts his arms round Kate)
Kate: I’m sorry. (pause) I couldn’t control myself, I was just about to give her what she deserved.
Ash: For such a small issue, you were about to (takes his arms away from Kate, holds her hand and looks into her eyes).
Kate: But I didn’t do it, isn’t that good enough for you? If you care so much about her and her precious life, why don’t you go live with her instead?
Ash: (sigh) why do you always think like that? I love you Kate.
Kate: Yeah, Yeah whatever you say. You never mean it and that’s why today I nearly took someone’s li- (pause)
Ash: Shut-up about that now, will you? I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Kate: Oh…but who started talking about all this? Me? I don’t think so Ash. And why are you so shocked and worried anyways?
Ash: (looks at Kate in shock) Oh my…is that a question to ask? Don’t you understand what could have happen if you, you …
Kate: Well, not much would of happen, cause you see (pause) It wasn’t…
Ash: Kate don’t say anything else, both of us know what could have happen. (bows his head)
Kate: But Ash, at least listen to me, she wouldn’t have got hurt cause it was…
Ash: (looks up at Kate) Sssh Kate, I don’t want to hear anymore! Had enough, lets just go inside now please. (walks towards the door).
Kate: Alright but I wasn’t really going to hurt her, I was just…
Hi there
ReplyDeleteThere's clearly some powerful emotional currents behind this dialogue. I like the idea of having the scene unfold ,after the dramatic event, so that we get a sense of it bit by bit, and also the reactions to it.
I think ultimately, though, it would be nice for the audience to get a sense of what actually happened, otherwise we can't really participate in the tension. You don't have to get your characters to spell it out for us, but to drop enough references that we can piece together what happened. As it stands, we are told almost from the beginning that kate almost killed someone, but we don't actually learn anything further. It would be good if you let the audience's picture of events build as the dialogue continues, maybe keeping the dramatic high point (ie that kate almost killed someone) until later in the scene.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteIt's ace to read your stuff again. I like the brief you've been given for this, and I think you've done good things with it - you've injected a really lively story into that painting. Well done.
Claire's already given some good pointers, so I'll try not to repeat things, but I will say that making that revelation come as more of a surprise would serve you well.
Your use of ellipsis - in interruptions and things unsaid - works well. It's a good thing to consider when you're showing characters that are this familiar with each other.
I also find it really interesting that Ash is so unwilling to talk about what is a massively worrying event. Making him closed off towards the end gives us a hint of how worrying he finds it, but also how niave he's being about facing it. Good stuff.
All of your conventions of script writing are fine, and you've again shown your attention to dramatic dialogue. If you wanted to work on this further I'd suggest maybe a play on how serious the event is; maybe either have Ash think Kate's upset over something minor, something that he's done, and then realise she's tried to kill someone, or the other way, which would be to have Kate think she's done something terrible, when really it's very minor, and making Ash worry about just how 'terrible' she's been.
That's just thoughts to play with though - remember you can always take what you've used in this and transfer it to later writing: cannabalism is encouraged when you're writing. Well done with all of this, and take care,
Andy
Most impressive here, as Andy points out, is your use of ellipsis, and the way that transforms your dialogue into something totally believable of an intimate couple like this is nothing short of brilliant.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I see Claire's point that you need to think about the narrative 'shape' of the whole piece, and, in particular, how you vary and develop the tension throughout. Think about the tension on a graph, with the progressing script on the x axis and the level of tension on the y axis. How could you play with what you've written to develop a more sustained upward curve, rather than the horizontal line you have at the moment?
All that said, I must reiterate how impressed I am with the dialogue itself - among the most natural and convincing I have read on the blog so far. Well done!
Thank you so much for the comments. I will take all the suggestions on board and use them to improve my writing skills.
ReplyDeleteThanks again. :)