(Richard and Amanda, both aged 24, stagger home to their terrace house after a night of heavy partying and switch on the patio light)
Richard: That was a great night Amanda; I could’ve stayed at the club all night.
Amanda: Yeah! That was a night to remember, and did you see John-
(A Loud smash of glass and Debris shower the couple as it interrupts Amanda, The Couple both look up in horror)
Richard: W-W-What on earth was that….?
Amanda: Oh it’s probably next doors baseball practice again, you know they’ve been playing over 6 years now.
Richard: But if it was your neighbours….
Amanda: Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah?
Richard: Shouldn’t it be on the other side? Since your neighbours are on the other side…
Amanda: You need to stop worrying so much, you used to be so carefree but now your way too safe.
(Richard folds his arms in a defensive position and prepares to traverse back to his own house)
Amanda; oh now don’t be like that, come in and have drink first.
Richard: Alright fine but I’m not going to get to comfy, I don’t know what could be lurking inside that attic of yours.
( the couple stroll in and Richard constantly checks for any dangers within the household)
Amanda: Oh stop worrying!!! Really, are you really that less of a man? Because if you are I might as well-
( A loud creak of floorboards and slamming of a door interrupts Amanda)
Richard: What the hell was that!
( Amanda shudders with fear but tries not to show it to Richard because of her earlier talks of bravery towards him)
Amanda: I-I-I’m sure its nothing…
CREEEEAAAAAAK!!!
Richard: Oh I don’t like the sound of that!!!!
Amanda: Don’t worry I’ll Check upstairs.
Richard: No Wait!!-
(Before Richard can finish Amanda is already halfway up the staircase)
Richard: Oh dear Oh Dear, I hope she’s o.k.…. COME ON RICHARD GET A GEIP OF YOURSELF, YOU’RE THE MAN, SHES THE WOMAN, YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING HER!!!!! But it is a really scary noise…
(Richard Hears A Loud Scream)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Richard: AMANDA!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU O.K!!!!?
(There is no Reply)
Richard: AMANDA!!!! IM COMING UP O.K!!
(Richard cautiously traverses up the staircase and turns right into a dark room, there what seems to be a red door but with closer inspection he discovers that the red door is actually made of............BLOOD)
Richard: OH MY GOD!!! AMANDA!!!
( Richard opens the door and there to his horror he finds…………..)
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThis is an atmospheric, sinister piece, and you've captured the mounting tension well - particularly with the well-managed turn from comedy to the rather Gothic close of the piece. The balance of power is deft: particularly in the way in which Richard worries about his being "the man"!
A small difficulty here, though, is with a certain vagueness in the stage directions - sometimes, reading the piece, it's a bit confusing what's actually going on. Part of this can be solved by establishing the scene a little more right at the start - if the smashed window is above the two, I would make it clear in the exposition that the house is more than one storey, and then where the smash happens. In the same way, when Richard heads for home, there's no way the audience can know where he's going - he doesn't need to explain - so maybe the direction can just say that he starts to walk rather quickly away from the scene... And again, we need to know where the "creak" is coming from - I assume it's some sinister floorboard or door...
This is promising, though - good work!
Life...Hi!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the normal opening quickly moving to drama when the window is smashed. Our attention is then immediately grabbed.
I think you could, from the outset, make Richard more affected when he hears the glass smashing. If he is so afraid of entering the house, then you could show this more with his physical actions. He could move Amanda away from the house to stop glass falling on her, he could even look through the window to see if a burglar is running away across the back garden! And in a way his actions could show his reluctance to enter the house until he feels that things are fairly safe inside, and this also would show his nervousness.
Would he not want to phone the police? And if he doesn't, is this because Amanda doesn't want him to?
Is Amanda involved in luring him into the house? If so, you could show more her temptation of him.
When they both enter the house, you need to say what they both do when entering an environment they are unsure of. At the moment you are presenting this scene mostly from Richard's point of view. But what do they both do when they get inside the house that shows their states of mind?
When Amanda goes upstairs after hearing the sounds of someone else up there, would she do this on her own if she was so afraid? Wouldn't she insist that Richard be with her? If they were both that scared, wouldn't they run from the house?
This makes me wonder if Amanda is trying to get Richard to follow her upstairs!
I like the ending with the door made of blood. But is the door made of dried blood? If not, how does Richard open it? Is the door a curtain of blood?
So I think that to make this stronger you really need to build the drama as if it were being presented for an audience. You need more direction for the actors to show what they do when outside and inside the house, more description of what is happening outside the house and more description of the inside of the house. This scene setting will build the drama in our minds alongside the dialogue.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes
ann g
I think it is bold and original to transform the initially comic scenario into an exercise in Gothic Horror, and, in many ways, it pays off. But I think that, as the others have said, it would be even more effective with a more careful and deliberate use of stage directions - and I also reckon there is room for more focus on character and less on plot: there is no need for so much to HAPPEN in a short piece like this, when atmosphere and character can achieve so much on their own...
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