Lost in the middle of no where. I’m moving but everything seems be to still. Where I am going? I see them and I just stand there to watch them run wild, run free. As if they have no care at all. The feeling that was running through my veins was unbelievable; I had a new meaning to life. I felt a change in my body. Suddenly I felt myself getting weak and I really couldn’t control it. I felt myself falling to the ground. I called out for help yet no answer, there was no life around. Last thing I can remember is the sound of the horses in the distance.
I woke up, there he was standing. He left the others and came back to me. He was looking great but in his eyes; I could see he was worried about something. I got up and stroke him on his back; he always used to like it when I did that. For some odd reason he moved away from me this time. I didn’t really know why he was behaving like this or maybe he wanted to show me something. He looked at me then into the distance, on the right of me. I slowly started to walk towards the place he was looking at. Still to me it didn’t seem like there was anything there. Emptiness surrounded us like a spider’s web; I didn't really know where we were headed to.
I think we were walking towards north but I had no idea. We’ve been walking for hours and hours and it started to get dark, we both needed to rest for a while. I sat down, looking around like a helpless child though he was strong even to just stand there. I started to feel that same pain as before and I got weaker and weaker. My head was spinning like I was in some kind of fun fair ride, I was in need of water or maybe even a fizzy drink so that my energy level stays high. The pain was unbearable, couldn’t fight it, I try to put my hands over my head to make it stop. I was turning and turning; trying to find a good position to be in. That wasn’t helping and sooner or later I found myself lying on the ground.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteCool stuff there. I like your approach - I can see how the music syncs up with the writing.
In keeping with this you've focused on sensations, and I think it works really well. Your opening of 'lost in the middle of nowhere' establishes your intent well, and what follows sticks with the running impression of confusion.
I would suggest looking into some issues of tense. In places you have 'I was feeling' then 'I felt' then 'I call out.' Try to keep things consistent. I was feeling becomes 'I felt' and I call out would be 'I called out' if this was all past tense. I call out works if it's present tense, and I felt would become 'I feel.'
Anyway, when I first realised how important tense is it made me feel really insecure about my past stuff, and I don't want to fill you with the same paranoia, but this way you'll be more aware of it next time.
I loved the line 'emptiness surrounded us like a spider's web,' but in other places you include some figure of speech lines like 'from head to toes' which is unnecessary - your sensory writing is fantastic and you don't need to use these staples to get the image across better.
I continue to enjoy your work, and you should keep being proud of it. Hope the next task is fun. Take care,
Andy
Thank you so much for the comments you made, Andy. :)
ReplyDeleteI will go and change the tense right now.
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteYou evoke a strong sense of atmosphere and mood here. There is an almost dreamlike feel to the piece - so if you're aiming for that, that's great. However there is a danger with that 'dreamlike' approach sometimes, which is that it weakens the structure and the sense of narrative development. Try to enable the reader to construct a consistent picture of what's happening. So for example, in the opening para, give us some visual thing to work with, not just a sequence of 'I felt x' 'I felt y'. We have no idea what she's looking at until the very end of the para so it's hard for us to share in her emotions. Also, it starts 'i'm moving but everything seems [to be] still' but then 'I just stand there' while they 'run' - so who's moving and who isn't? These are things that get in the way of your reader imagining the scene for themselves.
The sense of mystery and haziness is nice but perhaps you could fill in some 'answers' for the reader - why is she alone in the middle of nowhere surrounded by horses, and what's wrong that she keeps fainting? It's interesting to be plunged right into the middle of a strange situation, but sooner or later the reader expects to be given some backstory.
Avoid cliche like 'run wild, run free', and try instead for more stuff like the excellent simile 'emptiness surrounded us like a spider's web' - that is fantastic, evokes the eerie knd fo atmosphere and is a really strong, striking picture.
Good job, keep it up
I love the deliberate vagueness of the characters' flight: to where? from whom? It's so much better for leaving these questions unanswered. Although I see what Claire means about the value of a few more clues here and there, perhaps.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me like some of the recent stock of neo-westerns in the cinema - like "The Three Burials of Melquides Estrada" that we saw in film club - and captures the intensity of that sort of scene very effectively indeed.
My main issue with the piece, like Andy, is tense: which one are you using? You seem to flit between past and present, but you need to decide. For my part, I reckon present tense is the way to go here.
And, finally, I cannot express strongly enough my awe and delight at the line, "Emptiness surrounded us like a spider's web". Absolutely brilliant (and SO much better than the cliches you slip into here and there elsewhere)!