Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Track 1- Concious
I awoke to the suddenly cooling saliva on my left hand that had slowly drooled out over the last few slumbering hours. The air clung to my skin forming a kind of Clingfilm over my body, making it ever more apparent that I needed a drink. I started my journey from the chemists’ porch, where I had slept, to the off license fifty yards up the road. The occasional pitiful look was only worsened by the looks of scowling city men, their disapproving glances burning guilt-ridden blisters my back. The only kick I could get out of the experience was the knowledge that as soon as they had gotten off work and had three scotch whiskies on the train back to Suburbia, they would neglect their children and ceremoniously spiral into a nightmare of sky sports, question time and whatever gritty Scottish detective drama ITV had to offer. I knew this reality was false, I knew that ultimately they were probably kind people that went home and loved there families, I knew that really, money could buy you happiness. However all of this was part of the experience of homelessness, part of the method author technique, and part of the test of will that would ultimately culminate in my most successful book to date. It may well have been worth it, if i didn't pass out on the off license floor, moments after buying my six-pack of polish lager.
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Hey, Naboo,
ReplyDeleteAwesome stuff here. You have a really well developed narrator's voice there. It's just the right amout of self awareness, without feeling forced at all. Well done.
I love your dry observations, but also that you've taken it to another level of empathy, where your narrator corrects theirself for being too hard on people. Showing understanding of how people think is crucial for good writing, and you've demonstrated here that you have that skill. It was really ambitious of you to choose a writer as your narrator, and I think you've handled it well.
As you're at a good stage with this already I'll introduce you to some picky stuff. Watch out for word repetition in your work. Unless it's for obvious empahasis, or it's the central subject, repeated words drag your prose down. Look at this sentence for example: 'The occasional pitiful look was only worsened by the looks of scowling city men, their disapproving glances burning guilt-ridden blisters my back.'
If you can find a way of wording that that gets rid of the 'look' or 'looks' you'll have a really neat bit of description. Then look at the following line. You have 'the only' again. You can word that differently too, and it'll read even smoother.
Bare it in mind for your next peice, but don't fret about it, and don't think about it when you first draft something - everyone has the odd repetition; you have to read the whole thing and check for them once you're finished. I'm really looking forward to whatever you get to do next. Well done, and take care,
Andy
This is a really clever conceit - and the twist midway is highly inventive and very effective. I also LOVE the line, "their disapproving glances burning guilt-ridden blisters in my back" - very powerful and sophisticated stuff indeed.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do think there was room for slightly more, and for breaking the piece up into shorter paragraphs (and, at times, shorter sentences too) - and I think the americanism "gotten" is out of place here too...
Well done also on recording the piece over the music itself: I will forward that file to your moderators too.
Hi Naboo,
ReplyDeleteMajor kudos for going the extra mile with this! Listening to your submission really helped me to see how the track and your writing intersect. Throwing another voice into the mix also added to the sense of drunken cacophony.
I think that this is really well written. It feels very sophisticated and some of your images - the air as Clingfilm, the scowling city men - are excellent.
I also enjoyed the intelligent way in which you invert conventional ideas, with suburbia becoming the nightmare, below even homelessness on the lifestyle spectrum. You manage to evoke the drudgery of suburban existence with an impressive display of concise and economical writing - 'sky sports, question time ...' Don't forget to capitalise these names, by the way.
Your submissions are consistently impressive, Naboo. I think you have a great deal of talent and potential.
Helen