With him everything seemed fine, even though it wasn’t everything seemed it.
My life wasn’t easy, it wasn’t easy at all. Everyone doubted me from the beginning, ever since primary school people said that I was different, my goals were not the same. Then secondary school started it got worse I got thrills in weird ways I didn’t mix with any crowds I was just my own person Then I started college that’s when I realized everyone was right, I wasn’t normal I liked different things to everyone else, I wanted different things to everyone else I was just different to everyone else fall stop.
So here I am 3 years later walking through a dark ally with nothing more then a belt round my waist, and a ragged bra on. I’m feeling alone as always, scared but I’ll cope, I always do. I know what’s gonna happen next, it happens every night, I’ll turn this corner then I’ll see them as usual. They’ll all try to touch me, fantasising about what’s under my belt. I’m supposed to feel safe because of these people around me! But I don’t feel safe I just feel alone.
But I’ll keep on walking for the sake of getting home to him! I turn the corner and the hungry hands start pawing at me, I can’t do it anymore but it’s so much easier to carry on and forget this happened again then to push them away. I really do wonder what they think gives them a right to do this to me though, am I not a human just like them I might be a superstar that has more then 10 platinum singles but I’m still human. The bodyguards, the fans, the clothes I don’t need them all I need is him to make me whole to make me happy. When I’m with him I don’t feel alone I feel me.
So I kept on walking with a big fake smile across my face trying to accept what they were supposedly giving me, love, but that’s not how I feel I don’t feel loved just used. That will change when I get there though, once I get there I’ll see it I’ll feel him. Because it’s all in my music box he is in my music box that little plastic figurine that sings and turns perfectly in time to my heartbeat, he’s perfect, something that everyone strives to be but never gets but he does it and because of that I need him because with him everything seems fine and that’s how I need to feel.
I hope this is ok, i found the challenge hard but i tried my best!!! :)
ReplyDeleteHey, Shani,
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand finding this hard - the brief can seem really open, but it can be difficult to just go where a stimulus takes you. I can see that you've thrown yourself into this, and the result is a cool, dreamlike piece. You should be really proud.
I know from past pieces that you're very focused on your story, but occaisionally skim over important grammar issues, but I feel you're improving here. Your spelling and word choice gives this the serious tone that it deserves.
Give stuff here a reread if you get chance, and watch out for sentences flowing into each other unnaturally, for example 'I got thrills in wierd ways I didn't mix with any crowds I was just my own person Then I started college' needs breaking up (though it's all good stuff - don't lose any of it). Read outloud and listen for those crucial pauses; and keep things simple - just use a full stop wherever you feel a pause.
I realise you're probably in a hectic state towards the end of term (I know I was), but if you got chance to do anything more with this I would look into introducing more sensory features. I liked how you built all of this around one unwanted thing, and one desired thing - if you wanted you could bring out what is horrible about the undesired stuff with more sensory descriptions - smells, and sensory aspects of anxiety like tightness in your stomach or sweat: - and also what is so nice about this one thing in terms of feelings and stuff.
Your work and your message both show you're trying hard with this, and it's really paid off. You should be well pleased. I look forward to your next work,
Andy
This is a remarkably complex piece - once we get past the sentence punctuation issues highlighted by Andy.
ReplyDeleteI go through the first half frankly quite disturbed by the dark underworld your exploited victim inhabits; and then I find myself (and my expectations) totally subverted when I learn this is a multi-platinum award-winning singer, and everything makes (different) sense. I am a little confused as to whether there is REALLY a man back home for her, or whether she is investing in her actual music box all her needs for genuine, sincere company. But, that aside, I really liked the dreamlike quality of the piece.
I am not sure you need the 'when I was little' preamble; I would get straight into her walking through the dark ally.
Hopefully this piece (and the two comments so far) will go some way to persuading you that this IS good, and that you ARE a force to be reckoned with on wordvoodoo. Sentence punctuation can easily be learnt; flair, originality, creativity - these you cannot be taught, and they are innate in you. :)
Hi Shani,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above about the dark, surreal nature of this piece. It was very troubling. I could imagine the pawing hands of the waiting crowds, and I was fascinated by the idea that your protagonist is in love with a music box! There's an amazing short story by Angela Carter entitled 'The Man Who Loved a Double Bass' which plays with similar ideas of misdirected human affection.
Aside from the punctuation issues, my only comment would be that you need to be more confident in your own abilities. The ideas here are really complex and exciting, but I think that you could afford to take a few more risks with the writing. You could make it even darker, by letting us get inside the superstar's head. At the moment, it feels as if she's talking to the reader, explaining things, but you could be brave and go for a stream of consciousness approach. That would involve a troubling, dream-like flow of images and sensations. I certainly think that you could pull it off, as this piece shows that you're an intelligent and imaginative writer with lots of wonderful ideas.
Helen