Pelting through the city with no thoughts of turning around, Mathewson knew that his only hope was to lose them. Sirens echoed far too closely behind him, reminding him of what was at stake here. With his shoulder crying out in agony and his breathing becoming ever heavier, he knew he could not last any longer. The gem was his until he got to T, he would make sure of that.
The stares of passers-by were only in disregard. He knew that citizens of Washington saw a chase everyday, but did they know what the secret under his jacket could bring down? Sidewalks were becoming crowded. Like a real professional Mathewson bounded into the mounds of ties and briefcases, getting lost in the sea of rush hour. James Bond knew nothing. Extravaganzas about guns and girls was not the truth, but a way the media could make money. Mathewson knew the media will be all over this. Running out of Pennyville tower in broad daylight was too big of a mistake. It was stupid of him, he knew. A lecture or two would be waiting for Mathewson.
Looking behind him for the first time, he could not see pass the hundreds of bobbing heads. But flicking an eye across the street gave him all that he needed to know. They could see him. Police officers and armed men were sprinting in his direction pointing and shouting orders. A wall was slowly enclosing itself around Mathewson. He had to find a way out, fast. Now the shouting had begun the cover of the hustle and bustle slowly began to split itself. Sounds of running feet and shuffling opened up a gap in the sidewalk. Mathewson muttered a quick “Shit.” And sprinted around the corner and down Millwalk Avenue.
It was a small avenue, the sound of music travelled through the air, notifying him of the open back door of Fever Club. Flashing disco lights and pounding music added to the never-ending headache that ripped through Mathewson’s head. Neon lights shuffled his thoughts bringing him onto the dance floor full of skimpy legs and waving arms. It was only then that he let his jacket fall open, allowing the brown envelope to escape onto the filthy floor. It was only then that the screaming and shoving melted away into a dark realm, seeing as the bullet had taken on its full effect.
This was really good becasue somehow you managed to keep me in suspense and made me want to read on so i could know what was going on! You describe the seen and the going on's really well its amzing actually lol!
ReplyDeleteErmmmm really good, thats all i can say!!
X.Shani.X
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of your earlier monologue by the policewoman. Here, you do a better job of getting right into the action. It is (and for such a short piece) suspenseful and moves at a good pace. I love the intepretation of the song. It does sound a bit like a James Bond theme but darker and edgier - all of which you convey in your writing. I do think it slows down a bit at the end, which does give it a kind of dreamy quality - it depends which effect you most want to achieve. You have a great ear for this genre. Hope to see you on the
4th.
Very well done on this. You have a real authenticity and consistency of tone and atmosphere. It's pacy: you hold suspense well, not overdoing it and making it melodramatic, but not letting it drag or losing the reader's interest either.
ReplyDeleteThere are some particular uses of language which I find interesting, eg 'neon lights shuffled his thoughts' - that's really good. Avoid things like 'hustle and bustle' though, because they tend towards the cliche (although generally that is something you steer well clear of, which is great)
I think the last two sentences ought to get another look. There's a lot going in on them and a lot of potential, but they create confusion as to the sequence of events & pace of narrative, because they are long, and so much happens/is described before we hear about the bullet. While in theory witholding the fact of his being shot until the very end could be really powerful, I think you should then make the preceding action clearer and sharper to the reader so that we are clear about what is actually happenning, but still in suspense as to the cause behind it.
Really well done here!
:o)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThis is very good.
The opening is punchy and pacy and sets the narrative up.
I liked your authentic James Bond and the dig at the money spinning original franchise, nicely done there, it gives a good insight into the mind of the character, the sort of guy we're dealing with, and adds a level of satire and irony. On the whole you keep things matter of fact
I don't know how frequent armed chases are in Washington, more frequent than in the UK, but probably not to the level of one a day.
'lost in the sea of rush hour' is a bit weak really and slows the pace.
Occasionaly your sentences aren't quite logical and this impedes the pace, this bit in particular needs another look I thought: 'A wall was slowly enclosing itself around Mathewson. He had to find a way out, fast. Now the shouting had begun the cover of the hustle and bustle slowly began to split itself. Sounds of running feet and shuffling opened up a gap in the sidewalk.'
The first half of the last para is a really good piece of description but you wrap it up quite clumsily (It was only then...), the language seems too heavy.
You could make more of Matthewson's injury and have that thought 'will or will he not make it', playing heavier on the reader's mind. With-holding the extent of his injury is a good move.
You already have the start of a really good piece here, a few alterations and it will be ready to go.
Good stuff,
S.
That the moderators are commenting on such relatively minor details here is testimony of just how impressive this writing is. It is like you have accessed a whole new layer of moderation - and so I hope you are taking these comments in the spirit in which they were intended? :)
ReplyDeleteIn addition to everything else mentioned, I was struck by the way you managed to use personified verbs in an especially original way, e.g. "Neon lights shuffled his thoughts"..."Sounds of running feet opened up a gap"..."A wall was slowly enclosing itself"... Highly original and effective, I reckon. :)
I agree that the ending is, perhaps, slightly weak in its opaqueness, and, here and there, some punctuation goes astray too.
But I remain convinced this is superlative stuff, in a genre of which you are truly becoming master. Perhaps try branching out to an area in which you feel far less comfortable and confident next time?
I very much like the way in which you manipulate point of view in this piece - you borrow Mathewson's thoughts to inform the narrative voice, which means the reader gets a real feel for his voice.
ReplyDeleteSmall point - the phrase "like a real professional" confused me. I thought Mathewson WAS a real professional? Especially since he expects "a lecture or two" for his rather un-covert behaviour. So if he IS professional, he probably wouldn't be thinking to himself "I look professional"! It's a small point, though, and this is a convincing, engaging piece, which both borrows from and analyses the "spy" genre. Well done.