He got put in a land of obsession
Was a boy who was taken from love
He was taken from warmth, he was taken from joy
Yet he felt all at peace like a dove
Twas a man who was desperate like most men
For an offspring who'd make him feel proud
He would love, he would care he would make sure he's there
Yet to take one was just not allowed
As he rushed through his hall with the baby
He already felt like going back
Twas a look in his eye, saw the baby just smile
Was his frown which did proceed to crack
Was the baby that gripped to his torso
He looked down saw the grin, saw the heart
It was right then he knew just what he had to do
He realised that he'd have to part
He was put in a land of obseesion
With illegitamate loving and care
He was glad to depart from his god awful mum
He would take any love going spare.
Almost spot on with the rhythm - and a powerful and original narrative too. Well done!
ReplyDeleteIf I am being picky, however (as it is my duty to be), I wonder what syntactical and grammatical sacrifices you find yourself making to fit that rigid meter: e.g.
Doesn't the MEANING of line 2 need a pronoun before the verb (as does the second half of Line 11, and the beginning of Lines 12 and 13? And isn't "twas" a little archaic for your purposes?