Snip, snip, cut. Cut, snip, snip. A weight off my mind. A new start. A new me. Yet like any new thing - would they like it?
Chop, chop, chop. Months of growth gone in a tick. Hair on the floor. Dead cells now twice as dead.
As it falls, I think - is this wise? I'm told I'll be a whole new being with this cut. That's wrong.
Then it is done, and I stare back at me, then walk out in to the open world - a rush of wind in my face, now free for the world to judge.
Like the poem, but just 2mistakes where you wrote 'any' and 'being'; these are both 2 syllables, but still liked the poem.
ReplyDeleteWhat I love about this is how understated and subtle it is - recognising, as it does, how it is sometimes the smallest moments which are the most significant.
ReplyDeleteWords: 101 = 4/5
Syllables: 3 words with more than one syllable (any/being/open) = 2/5
Figurative language: Some good, subtle use of metaphor (but no similes) = 2/5
Auditory language = this is where this is VERY strong. I love the short, sharp sentences, and the rhythm they create. I also love the bluntness of such simple syntax. Very effective. And you are using alliteration very subtly too... = 5/5
Structure = as I said at the start, I think you develop this simple narrative with considerable skill. = 4/5
17/20
Well done!
well done i wish that was my poem
ReplyDeletebut i do not have enough time to do as many as i want because i dont have a computer at home