She looked out of the glass of the car. Out at the dark grey clouds above her. An omen to greet her on the new start. Her mum and dad, no care for her pain. The car came to a fleet halt. Out she came and stared at the belfry, sky high. She was a small ant; it was a big, bull. It glared at her. Smiled to say ‘your mine’ .A kiss from Mum. A pat from Dad. She was left, lone. Bait to her new peers. Her first day at school had come. There was no way back.
Awww, i love you subject of 'first day of school' i never thought of that; it was really good :D
ReplyDeleteWords: 100 = 5/5
ReplyDeleteSyllables: Mostly monosyllabic, apart from: "above", "omen", "belfry". = 2/5
Figurative language: Lots of metaphor (ant, bull, bait...) and personification too ("smiled to say 'you're mine'" - what a fantastic line!). Room for a simile or two perhaps? = 4/5
Auditory language: I like the short, sharp sentences towards the end, but there is room for more alliteration and pararhyme in general... = 1/5
Structure: Excellent. A very skilful build-up to your climax. = 5/5
Overall = 17/20
Well done!