Preferred opening.
The most appealing, emphatic, and skilfully written extract for me came from 'The Great Gatsby', by Fitzgerald. There are many a reason why this piece caught me attention and diminished its rival opponent. The main factor leading to my choosing of this opening however was a simple, yet crucial one, the way Fitzgerald manages to completely burst free from the more 'cliché' elements of romance, with phrases such as 'The milk of wonder' (referring to the moon). However, Fitzgerald does not get carried away (as it is far too easy to and shows the signs of a weak writer) in the freedom of originality, no, he still keeps the thought provoking elements of romance in that cause a stir in the readers brain.
My Romance Extract.
People rarely posses the right to call a certain point in their life 'perfect'. I always thought 'perfect' was a concept thought up by the tyrannical aristocrats behind modern industrialisation, to make us all feel 'secure' on the inside.
Well at least that's what I thought until she held my hand for the first time, until her fingers unlocked a dimension within me, which, I never knew I had. Her soft touch was enough to rid of even the oldest, hardest most stubborn scars I had gained from previous attempts at the thing we, as humans, call 'Love'. We hadn't even been together long enough to see the next full moon together, yet we didn't need to, as Eros provided all the support I needed.
No longer would I bear the burden of a shattered heart! Neither would I have to, for, as we sat there in each others arms, illuminated only by moonlight reflected of of our irises. We embraced. Oh such a sweet, soft yet subtle embrace! Guided by Fate, and Fate only, we allowed ourself to indulge into the seven (seemingly innocent) deadly sins. Lust had overcome my previous hesitations, my Brain instinctively pumped torrents of raging adrenaline round my being. She responded, oh how very dreadfully nervous I was!, yet my eagerness had been welcomed with both arms, it would seem as she was far more passionately honed than me. Before I had a chance to accept, her lips pervaded my previous security measures, and, with only the Moonlight providing a spotlight for the main event, we lay, careless as can be, as one.
Hey Mods,
ReplyDeleteJust a notice (not an excuse, honestly). Much like Life mentioned in his comment on his piece, I haven't been the 'fittest', let us say, of fiddles this week. To start off with I contracted Mr.Salmonella, fought him off, yet with him gone, Mr.Loose Stools paid a visit and kept me awake for near enough 3 bloody days. Anaway with certain physical repulsion assured, enjoy!
Carlsberger.
Hey – I’m sorry to hear you’ve been unwell, and hope you’re feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteI’m really pleased you picked ‘The Great Gatsby’, purely because it’s one of my favourite books. Have you read it yet? If not, read it – and then read it again! I first read it when I was 15, loved it, eventually re-read it four years later and still loved it – just in a completely different way. Fitzgerald often got accused of getting ‘carried away’ in his writing, and one of the reasons ‘Gatsby’ is his most acclaimed novel is because here the prose is highly controlled. Well done for picking up on this!
I thought your extract had a really fantastic opening paragraph. The ideas concerning “perfection” were both funny and true; the reader can both be amused by the narrator’s slightly OTT cynicism (‘tyrannical aristocrats!’ ‘modern industrialisation’!) and agree with it (“perfection”, whatever that means, is impossible – we are always capable of imagining more than we experience).
Because your opening was so strong, I was disappointed that the rest of your excerpt didn’t live up to its promise. I think your piece would have been both more honest and more original if you’d taken your ideas about the imperfection of perfection and run with them. As it is, you move into romantic cliché with buzzwords like ‘Fate’, ‘Eros’, and ‘lust’. There’s again evidence of a heightened register, of a deployment of highly traditional imagery, but it isn’t always effective. For example, ‘the seven (seemingly innocent) deadly sins’ really threw me, as my mind boggled at how, exactly, the lovers could commit all seven in one single action. They’re clearly far wilier than Kevin Spacey.
Be very careful of your tendency to overwrite. An example is ‘pumped torrents of raging adrenaline’. One of these descriptive words would suffice; four is purple prose.
There are also some grammar issues here, but as you’re usually so spot on with grammar, and have a very good reason for not being so spot on this time, I’ll let them slide.
I think your first paragraph’s narrative voice and initialising concept is fantastic; so good the rest of the piece does not live up to it. For the next task, think hard about exactly why you’re using a heightened register/traditional images, if you do continue to use them – is it for a good, effective reason? Will the reader enjoy it? Does it work? – be very careful with over-writing, and be sure to show, not tell. Hope that helps!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteAs usual, very good opening – it draws the reader in without being too obviously a device to do so. I’d lose the quotation marks in the rest of the paragraph, though; just leave it as “I always thought that perfection was a concept...”, and “make us feel secure”, or the reader starts to feel a bit as though the speaker is giving a lecture. Your metaphor “unlocked a dimension within me” is very strong – concise and precise, which is something that is hard to achieve and which is exciting to come across. Because this is so strong, you can afford to lose “which, I never knew I had”; apart from anything else, it’s clear from what the speaker’s said before that this is a new sensation for him.
You stray into cliché, sadly, with your image of “scars”, though; it’s hard, but try to apply the same level of innovation that you do with the rest of your writing; this is particularly important when writing about love. The reason most clichés exist around this subject is that pretty much everyone’s had a crack at writing about it... Watch out for this with phrases like “as Eros provided all the support I needed”, too – because your lovely detail about not having “been together long enough to see the next full moon together” is really nice and fresh (though watch the two “together”s).
The next paragraph is definitely lapsing more into cliché, though – there are exclamation marks, and archaic terms like “for” instead of “because”, aplenty, which is a shame. In fact, the whole of the last paragraph reads melodramatically, and archaically, which I actually really enjoyed, but you need to flag up that this is the style, if that’s what you want it to be, right from the start; otherwise it seems that your writing’s got more “stock” towards the end.
Good stuff in this, though – well done.
Penny
P.S. Sorry to hear you've been ill - your explanation made me laugh!
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteThe many original expressions here:
"Moonlight reflected off of our irises"
"passionately honed"
"lips pervaded my previous security measures"
demonstrate your main strength - making the usual, unusual, disorienting the reader until statements like "we, as humans,.." become necessary and grounding.
The first paragraph is strong, but I think you need to apply your intellect more rigorously.
"the tyrannical aristocrats behind modern industrialisation"
is a good rant, but industrialisation was a major factor in making aristocrats nearly powerless, not tyrannical. And is the concept of perfection, ancient, comforting? Not sure.
This may be pedantic, but such errors ( such as sarah pointed out re: 7sins) undermine the reader's confidence. And that's a shame because your intellect is key strength. Let loose on the first draft, but do review the validity of your often unsettling (good!) ideas.
The ending does verge on cliche, but your style saves it.
Tough task, though. I wonder if Fitzgerald (great novelist, great novel) would have gotten away with "she blossomed like a flower" today.
Anyway, glad you're through the salmonella - a real beast.