The Great Gatsby (1925) by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Cliché and romance tend to walk hand in hand to dinner on Valentines Day, but Fitzgerald manages to escape the mistletoes and roses to hand-deliver an equally sweet and romantic excerpt. Of the five extracts, it is Fitzgerald’s focus on the atmosphere or in fact, remembering it, that helps to conjure the ‘quiet’ and ‘mysterious’ ‘visions’ of ‘five years before’. Fitzgerald describes every little shard in detail, the imagery he uses lights up the setting and sets the perfect ‘cool night’ ‘among the stars’ for the perfect kiss. Although I am a big fan of dialogue, by avoiding it, Fitzgerald shifts the imagination of the reader onto what is left to focus on; the ‘wonder’ of his ‘sidewalks’ and what takes place upon them.
Fire on Fire
They could see everything out of the floor to ceiling window, fifteen floors above London. No lights were on, allowing the room to be showered in the neon glow of the surrounding city apartment blocks. As the music continued to drift around the room, she slowly closed her eyes, and imagined the thread of sweet harmony illuminating the remaining dark corners of her apartment. The night was cold, but he was warm – he radiated the kind of warmth that her electric heater could not. This is why she loved him. He sat on the sandy cream floor by her feet, among his messy Music sheets and her organised Biology books, and gently played away on his guitar.
She kept her eyes closed, even after he’d laid his beautiful melody to rest. He got up slowly, and sat by her side on the sofa. She leaned into his chest, and listened to his breathing. She opened her eyes to meet his dripping gaze, chocolate and hazy and drowning in warmth. Only a few lights remained, but she was sure that the pair of them glowed brighter than anything Edison could ever invent. He brought his right hand from her waist and placed it on her left cheek, and smiled. She wanted her sofa to swallow her up, hide her in it’s feathery filling – anything to save her from the embarrassment. But before she could wish any further, he kissed her. Very quickly, one kiss turned into many, as they went from two halves to one whole. Skin on skin, fire on fire, K on H20.
The sofa screamed in agony, knowing that the sensational fire on its skin would not stop burning, for many hours to come.
I’m really pleased you picked this, purely because ‘The Great Gatsby’ is one of my favourite books of all time. Have you read it yet? If not, read it – and then read it again! I first read it when I was 15, loved it, eventually re-read it when I was 19, still loved it – just in a completely different way.
ReplyDeleteIn your analysis of Fitzgerald, you pick up on the way he subtly withholds information from the reader. By not using dialogue, he doesn’t give us the “facts” of this scene. Instead, he presents (as you rightly point out) a REMEMBERED atmosphere. He uses highly poetic, sensual language (his writing style was very influenced by Keats) in order to present this romantic memory, and create an immersive, detailed atmosphere and setting.
Like Fitzgerald, you have particularly focused on the atmosphere of romance. You achieve this focus through a heightened use of imagery, including metaphor and personification. Some of this imagery is really nice. My favourite is ‘she was sure that the pair of them glowed brighter than anything Edison could ever invent’. Not only is it a charming, original image, but it also characterised the protagonist by showing her scientific frame of mind (as previously hinted at by the ‘organised Biology books’). This is important, as, at this point, we don’t know much about “him” and “her”. You also try to show “her” scientific mindset through the ‘K on H2O’ image, but I don’t think this works quite as well; the metaphor broke my connection with the atmosphere you were creating, as I had to double-check what element ‘K’ was.
You portray a couple in the early, shy, tentative stages of love. As such, a few of your adjectives and images are a little too harsh – even violent – to show the couple’s tenderness. ‘Dripping gaze’ is, for me, a pretty grisly image. ‘Drowning in warmth’ is both a cliché, and a pejorative one to boot (drowning isn’t a good thing!). Finally, I thought the personification of the sofa didn’t work that well, as it left the story on an overly negative note (‘screaming in agony’), and pulled the attention away from the main couple.
There are points where you still need to be careful about showing, rather than telling. Just a couple of minor edits would make the piece a bit sharper – for example, it has already been established that the flat is in London, so we do not need to be told that they are ‘CITY apartment blocks’. ‘The night was cold, but he was warm’ is a bit of a cliché. ‘His beautiful melody’ is also an overstatement – we’ve already been shown the melody was beautiful by her reaction to it, so we do not need to be told. Two niggles: should that be ‘kind OF warmth’? Also, it should be ‘this WAS why she loved him’, to fit with your established tense.
Your best images are ones that not only create an atmosphere, or read beautifully, but further characterisation, or action, or plot, or theme… An image can’t only sit looking nice; it must also fulfil a purpose. When your imagery has this dual function, your writing is at its peak.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGood logic with the Fitzgerald piece - the setting is indeed lit up with those images. I can see why you chose to follow it.
You also evoke a pleasing sensation of the scene - the play of light is really well put. I like that the beauty is taken in by the central character - it's good that these observations are clearly through her eyes. It makes it clear that she is placing beauty on the city, as cities aren't inherently beautiful places (he says looking out of his office window on Seoul) - the city becomes an extension of her mood.
Similarly I loved that you have her imersed in the music, specifically as a harmony. It's a neat way of bringing love into your piece. As a reader we sense the music and then see where it comes from - it's cool. Very dreamy, very romantic. And the inclusion of the sense of balance, of confucianist light and dark serves the romantic tone well.
I think that the 'for many hours to come' is a bit weaker than you'd want in an ending. In fact that final paragraph has less impact than the one before, so you might removing it completely. It's great that you've thought through your imagery to include origianl figuartive language, but I think the shift to the sofa's perspective, away from your dreaming protagonist, takes some of the beauty out of the scene - it feels like we're pulling away from it too.
I think you've got a good romantic scene there. Well done. I look forward to your next piece,
Andy
Hi eternity forever,
ReplyDeleteYou've done a great job creating atmosphere. The absence of dialogue is an interesting technique in your extract, as its absence heightens the emotions explored in the text.
Your imagery is lovely. I especially enjoyed the parts concerning light and music: 'No lights were on, allowing the room to be showered in a neon glow...'
'she...imagined the thread of sweet harmony illuminating the remaining dark...'
The combination of all these aspects is very evocative.
To improve...
I think this piece would benefit from further editing. Some of the sentences could be a little sharper. I wasn't entirely sure about the last two lines, the sofa 'screaming in agony.' It seems too sudden an end for a scene who's strengths are found in attention to a given moment.
Well done with this, and thanks for posting,
Liz