Task 1
Extract 3
from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix- i felt this extract worked particularly well as it delt with all the emotions of love such as awkwardness, uncertaintly, happyness and sadness yet all in the presence of mistletoe which rather complicates the situation for both characters, harry who is unsure wether to stay or go and cho who is unsure wether to be happy or sad. this is something most teenagers may experience, so it is a cliche but told in a different and fresh way which is really effective and interesting to read.Also the use of "show not tell" at the end is very effective and works well to keep the steady pace built up beforehand, as it is like a train that is becoming closer to its destination and gradually slows down rather than abruptly stopping.
Task 2
Women claim to be special, a special breed, and argue they are the superior sex. I, however fail to see it. I mean, sure they may be more attractive to the eye, but all the moaning and fussing is just too boring. And speaking from experience, women suffering P.M.T should be locked up for the duration, or go into hibernation. It disgusts me they are still allowed to roam free and infect everyone else with bad moods and short tempers, I mean if you want to be all stroppy and angry, that’s fine, but leave everyone else out of it. The selfish breed more like.
The club is full of perfect examples, all closely concealed in little herds. In the far right corner, there’s a hen party; starving, man hungry little women all gathered to celebrate the conviction of one women. To the left we have 3 hookers, or escorts as they prefer to be known as now, either way there’s no mistaking; toddler size skirts, glow in the dark lipstick and heels which were designed to restrict the wearers ability to run away. Bearing further left, we can see a drunk, conscious yet still alive so be careful. Moving on. In the distance we can spot a lady who at distance appears to look presentable yet don’t be fooled, I am sure as she draws nearer the fur on her face shall appear, her nails shall become claws and a distinctive howling will begin.
I…But…How? Surely my eyes are mistaken, this beauty is the work of a devious cupid, he attempts to infect me with love by presenting the most perfect beast I have ever seen. I have never trusted my eyes, and consequently never felt to love yet now they seem to have gained some tyrannical control of my heart, as though it were the control room of my body.
Her eyes bulged out of there sockets, green and blue in colour, almost resembling twin globes. Yet the effects of two world wars and global warming seemed non-existent as they still shimmered in the light, untarnished by human hands. There were no signs of tears or tiredness, just the freshness of light bursting out from within. Her smell revives me before she is in reaching distance, as if it were some antidote to cure my hatred of love. Yet now I am infected, not with a hatred but a craving.
She brushes past me and apologises with a grin, I instinctively follow unsure of my intentions yet as we get closer, they become clear and as I gaze into her eyes, our lips combine in an embrace…This kiss, this moment, this women were nothing less than special.
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI'll first comment on your analysis. You've identified lots of emotions, and I'm pleased to see that you thought this extract was a little awkward too!
I'm interested to know why you think the mistletoe complicates the situation. Do you think that it could be used as some kind of scapegoat for if the pending kiss goes awry? Or as an excuse for Cho to move closer to Harry?
Now on to your own piece of writing. I like how your character is unashamedly sexist. He isn't even trying to cover it up, and I admire your confidence in doing this as I'm sure some people could take offence to it. Don't ever be afraid to write what you want, just because a character thinks something it doens't mean you think it too!
However, be careful that you don't make him (assuming it's male..?) a flat, stereotypical misogynist. This can be a fine line, but I think that you're on the right side of it, so well done!
You've got some lovely images in your writing. My two favourites are:
"still allowed to roam free and infect everyone else" - as if PMT is a contagious disease, ha ha, this one made me laugh and is an enjoyable spin on this could-be cliche.
"the fur on her face shall appear, her nails shall become claws and a distinctive howling will begin" - I like this one because it is so visual, as well as a little bit unusual. It's not often girls in bars are compared to werewolves, and I like it.
I'm really not convinced by the girl's eyes that "bulge out of their sockets". This seems a little grotesque when describing someone he is attaracted to. I'm not sure about the "twin globe" extended imagery either, especailly the "two world wars and global warming". Are you trying to suggest that she is beautiful because she has dealt with these things, or that she is dim, showing no signs of them because she doesn't know about them? If you're going tos tickw ith this imagery then maybe you could clarify it a little bit?
You've created quite a strong voice, there's some nice little touches of character tucked away within all the describing he's doing of his location, such as "Moving on." It can be easy for a narrators character to gt a bit lost in the description they give us of their surroundings, but it's throwaway lines like this that can save a character from being overwhelmed - good job.
Plot wise, I was a little disappointed that he goes back on his earlier tirade and says that women are "nothing less than special".
I think that you could have had a much stronger ending if you had stuck with the woman-hating line, especially as the narrator is "infected with a craving". I think that you could have explored this, and have him using this woman because he is attracted to her but still despises her gender. In such a limited word count, I'm not sure if there is enough room to give the narrator redemption.
Wowsa, what a long comment! There is a lot to like in your story this week, Sparky, well done! I look forward to reading your next post :o)
hi Frances,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment, I underderstand the comment about the mistletoe and think I meant to suggest the fact all these emotions arent usually associated with love, but mistletoe is a sybol of love and therefore mistletoe is the object that combines them and represents love.
In the second paragrah, i really wanted to show how shallow the character was, so i tried to make it sound as though he were a tour guide taking the reader through the club, through the use of phrases sucha as: "to the left" and "moving on".
and i know the ending was sort of weakend,due to the word count but i thought that as the character was not used to this emotion called love,he wouldn`t have alot to say
Hope this helps, Sparky
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteThis piece really rolls along. The pace is so quick that you could almost do without punctuation. Though the punctuation may not always be conventional, you mostly do an excellent job placing these "breaths" in the natural places. One more time through it (perhaps aloud) might reveal places which would benefit from longer (full stops) or shorter (commas) breaths.
The voice is very strong and the images striking. The extended metaphor of eyes/globes is brave and mostly successful. I agree that you might think again about "bulging", but otherwise it's effective and could perhaps be expanded.
I didn't get the "tour guide" metaphor/characterisation until you mentioned it. Having read it again, it is more apparent; but it's such a good idea you might make it more explicit, or "obvious" (in a good way).
I also agree with Frances that the ending is a bit disappointing. It's not mere cynicism. Such a turnaround needs a bit more space to give the character the necessary depth. I really think there's potential here for a much longer piece. You might look at some of Martin Amis' early work (perhaps The Rachel Papers) as an example.
Thanks for an interesting read
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really strong, convincing voice – I’m really impressed with the way you get straight to the essence of the character with conversational phrases like “I mean if you want to be all stroppy and angry, that’s fine, but leave everyone else out of it. The selfish breed more like.” “Little herds” in the second paragraph, to describe the clusters of women in the club, is excellent, too, as is “toddler size skirts, glow in the dark lipstick and heels which were designed to restrict the wearers ability to run away.” Your power of description is fresh and exciting for the reader.
Not sure about the word “beast” for the image of perfection, though – while the speaker has a reductive way of speaking about women, if this is a beautiful woman who has caught his attention, I don’t know that “beast”, with its unpleasant connotations, would be the one that would immediately come to mind. Similarly, “bulging” eyes are not normally considered a good thing! I love the comment about global warming and wars, though – a nice ironic twist, as the speaker hasn’t quite shaken all his objectifying habits.
I’m a bit let down by the ending, though: “special” is a bit of a flat word, especially from this speaker who is so fond of hyperbole. Your punctuation and grammar also let you down a bit, too: the typos make your interesting and innovative writing look a bit unprofessional, which is a shame, but you can easily fix that by proofreading.
Well done.
Penny