The Rats
In my opinion, the second opening of “The Rats” by James Herbert was a classic example of a protagonist gaining something of value to them, yet losing something else in its place. The very description of Gulifoyle “saving up his meagre earnings to buy more oblivion” portrays how reliant and controlled Gulifoyle is by Intoxication, and shows the author’s feelings towards Alcohol and its effects. Since we are informed that Gulifoyle has a drinking problem yet cured his very thirst for alcohol for a week to “buy a complete bottle of cheap gin”, it amazes even the reader how determined he was to get a drink. Furthermore, Herbert’s graphic and vivid descriptions of “huge teeth” sinking into “his cheeks” and tearing away “huge flaps” exposes us as a reader to a more gory image of suffering and torture that can do more than force us as a ready to sympathise for him.
Curiosity Killed The Cat
“DING DING DING DING DING”
The familiar sound of my alarm clock showed no signs of gifting me the much needed, invaluable prize of remorse. It never failed to hold me by it’s clutches and jolt me into a state of conscientiousness. It never failed to make me alert and aware that I must rise at 6 o’clock, warning me of the time period I had left before my departure. Yet, what was this? Today it had rung at 3:30…Peculiar, especially for a now questionably reliable clock. Despite this, I felt it my duty to allow my collapsing, drained and dangerously lethargic brain to have it’s required time of slumber. With that perfectly assorted in my mind, I thought it nothing to disable my eyes of it’s vision for the period of slumber that I required.
Yet, before I could achieve this I realised there was a strangely pungent aroma of sweat and skin emulsifying in each others presence. I sat up, shivering, glimpsing at blinding darkness and deafening silence that lay beyond me. There was a sudden creak of the floor boards, as though something of substantial weight had been deployed upon it. Next, a sudden tip-tap of the basement door, and an unexpected Click! Of the light switch which pierced through the unbearable silence.
My mind switched from reality to fantasy, quicker than a BMW engine could switch from On and Off. Then soon, without hesitation of the mind, my body seemed to slowly, surely creep into action. My mind now played no role in the matter, my body had made it’s decision. Each Step it took felt like a step closer to my possible oblivion, despite this my body carried on to traverse into what seemed like that darkest, deepest and mysterious abyss that had not even been ventured to by expert explorers. I was now in clear view of the basement, I could see a silhouette resembling an unfamiliar figure some sort of long, thick s-shaped tool of some sort. The bright orange glow of the basement illumination could even blind a man with sunglasses. I peered in. I had no idea what was to be there, I sniffed only the now familiar smell of sweat and skin. The figure glared at me, his face camouflaged by the white, air-holed mask that hung from ear to ear.
I wasted no time in bolting the door tightly shut, sealing off any means of access from them to me. The furious vibrations of the door forced me into a state of shock. I Hung my head with my arms tightly locking and securing my head in place, whilst my body slithered down to the smooth, cool comforting floor. Alas! The door could take those violent vibrations no more! It flung open. I shrieked back. The figure appeared from beneath the blinding glow of luminance. I now knew my fate was to be settled…
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteYour extract felt well developed. There’s a steady progression to it and a build up of suspense that reaches its height in the final paragraph with the familiar - but quite horrific - masked figure in the basement. All very evocative, and frightening! It’s interesting that the horror of this piece is shown to us through the luminosity of the basement itself - as we tend to associate darkness with the genre as oppose to light. I think you’ve subverted these notions well.
To improve this...
I think the image of the mask is a little familiar, could it be described in another way?
The first paragraph doesn’t read as well as the final two. I think this is because you were writing your way into the piece at the beginning, though I did enjoy the digression of consciousness and unconsciousness; the blurring of reality with the imaginary world.
Your response to your chosen extract is well thought about, and you seemed to have engaged with it and the task fully.
Be careful of typos and make sure each one of your sentences is as clear and precise as they can be.
Well done!
Liz
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteI'll comment on your analysis of The Rats first. Good job on giving several reasons rather than concentrating on one. You're right, it is gory, but I think that this is a good contrast from your feelings towards the character.
I enjoyed your own piece of writing. You've got some really nice images and I tink it shows a lot of potential. My favourite line is "The figure glared at me, his face camouflaged by the white, air-holed mask that hung from ear to ear". It's a simple and familiar image, and that what makes it so uncomfortable and frightening - good work!
Another image that I really like is the 'furious vibrations'.
I agree with Liz that it takes you a while to get into your piece, but that's OK, with a bit of an edit you could make it flow more smoothly.
There are a couple of lines that could use a bit of a tweak, e.g. 'could switch from On and Off' - it would make more sense if you said 'on to off' (what is with the capitals? You've got a whole bunch throughout your analysis and your own writing, make sure you proof read your work before you post).
Well done this week, I look forward to your next post!
Frances
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGood work. Regarding the Herbert piece you've done well to identify that sense of pathetic achieval followed by a sudden realization of oblivion.
I can see that you've employed the same sense of creeping realisation in your piece - cool.
I like your figurative language. This line:
'It never failed to hold me by it’s clutches and jolt me into a state of conscientiousness' is especially memorable - there's a humour behind it that really works. One thing to consider in your future writing might be that, seen as though you have a good grasp of presenting an image in a short line like this one, you can trim surrounding sentences.
Don't worry about that in the first writing session - I wouldn't want you to stifle yourself by worring about correcting as you go, but after a good re-read it's good to identify what is necessary as well as what is wrong. In this case the second sentence about the alarm clock is the strongest, so I'd use that as your first sentence, then trim the others (as best you can while still telling us what time it is).
Good use of tortology (if that's the spelling) in the line 'deafening silence' - it is a staple of showing a confused state of mind or highly sensational experiences. In this case, though, deafening silence' has been done a few times before - maybe try a more ambiguous phrase, like 'deeper silence' or 'breathing silence' - something like that.
I kind of liked the combination of old English 'alas' and the BMW simile - it shows a sense of fun towards your work. It's a good piece, and I look forward to your next,
Andy
Life,
ReplyDeleteWell done on the horror piece! The last time I attempted it was many, many years ago, so I’m doubly impressed with how well you understood it for your first go.
VERY briefly, and mentioned by the other moderators – just keep an eye out for spelling and grammar. You sometimes give words capitals when you’re not meant to, but it’s an easy fix!
I think you’ve really understood Herbert’s excerpt and applied what you saw in it to your own piece. Your analysis is well thought out and insightful, so well done there! Though Herbert’s piece has gore, I’m glad you didn’t indulge in that just yet. Your tactic is effective, just giving us an idea of what is to come for the poor protagonist.
On that note, of keeping information back, I actually think there could be one cut that would even further create a sense of horror. The last line of your second last paragraph, “The figure glared at me, his face camouflaged by the white, air-holed mask that hung from ear to ear,” is, to me, the perfect ending. I agree with a previous moderator, that the image of a white mask seems too familiar, but if you built up his image, make THAT the focus of the horror, and ended the piece there, you could create a very different sense of scary. I really like your last paragraph, but when I first read your piece, I thought it ended with the sentence I mentioned, just because it concluded so well. It left off on a great note. Obviously, this is just a suggestion, not necessarily for this piece, but your next. Cliff hangers in horror are always scary!
Well done life, I love the horror of this week. Keep up the great work, and just keep looking out for grammar and punctuation.
Genevieve