Task 1
I choose "The Rats" by James herbert as it was a fairly ominous begining. We sympathzie with the character to some extent as we are told he worked really hard for the complete bottle of cheap gin and we understand to what extent he craves alchol. this shocks the reader later although we did expect something to happen. this is a good technique which is why i liked it. also the violence is simple and not oversaturated in blood and gore which works well.
Task 2
It's the strangest thing; watching the whole world from down here. Staring up, I gaze into to the eyes of passers by, there shallow faces drained of emotion yet flowing with tears...except one. Mother was never one to show her emotions, she prefered to present herself as an egg; a hard yet thin shell that surpressed a wobbly mess within which, under the right amount of pressure, would surely crack. And who better to penetrate the shell than the chicken whom it hatched?
As she was comforted and consoled by countless friends and family, others spectators slowly retreated back to thier own grief, and it was then I realised she was crying. Yes, my mother was crying. I giggle, a small snigger at first but as my eye lids slowly begin to lift, the realisation no one else is watching releases a uncontrolable chuckle.
However, someone is watching...just as my mouth repositions itself, I hear mother. Her smell reaches me before the large shadow consumes what little light my eyelids allowed to pass its filters. Staring over at me, I feel her breath examining my face and when she is convinced that I am lifeless, Uncle Myers drapes his arm over her shoulder only for her to shrug it off and heads for the toilets. At last, she is alone.
Checking the coast is clear once more, I get out of my box and enter the darkness which momentarily conceals my presence from my unsuspecting mother. Washing her hands in the sink she stares at the hideous thing reflected in the mirror.she bows her head and sobs. I aint surprised, if i looked like her, i'd be comtenplating suicide or plastic surgery at least. But don't sympathise with her, imagine being born into this world and her face being the first thing you see. Truely traumatic!
Now is my chance, exploding from the cubicle, my hand becomes fused with her hair as it presses her head into the basin. My faces is suddenly covered with a scarlet liquid and a loud crack echos rhythmically through the room to which the severd head in my hand slowly begins to sway in time too as though it were a pendulum. Job done!
* * * *
Re-arranging her body in the box, I adjust the lid and kiss my mum one last time. The ushers approach me as though I am the brother of the deceased, asking wether "he" is ready to be taken. A simple nod and a gentle smile both reach the usher and in understanding he lifts my mother into the ground. A wave goodbye and shes gone. it really is the strangest thing to watch your mother be buried in your coffin at your funeral.
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI'll comment on your analysis of the James Herbert piece first, and then move onto your own story.
I agree with you when you say that The Rats has an ominous beginning - how could we have guessed what was going to happen?
However, I don't sympathise with Guilfoyle particularly. Do you really, or do you just not hate him? He hasn't done anything bad in the extract, but neither has he done anything heroic. He's kind of neutral in my book.
"this shocks the reader later although we did expect something to happen. this is a good technique which is why i liked it" - these two sentences don't make sense to me, I'm sorry. What shocks the reader? Guilfoyle getting by rats, or do you mean you liked Guilfoyle, so you were shocked when he died? Don't leave us to guess, you should be clearly telling us what you think is shocking and a good technique in this part of the task. It seems a bit rushed, I think you could have put a bit more effort in.
Now onto your own writing. Firstly, you have created an ambiguous paragraph like you liked, nice work. It's a very strange image, the narrator looking up from his coffin, and there are lots of possibilties; ghost, vampire, zombie, being buried alive... I like that you don't explain it to us, it keeps up the tension and the mystery. Nice one!
I also like your extended egg imagery in the first paragraph; it's very visual and really helps the readers understand the mother character. My favourite bit is the chicken metaphor at the end. Well done!
I think that your idea is original, and you've done a good job executing it (ha ha puns are fun). However, at times, the register of the narrator feels a little off. From the beginning, he (I'm assuming the narrator is male?) sounds quite sophisticated, "I feel her breath examining my face" (I love this line by the way), but then later on some of lines sound much more casual and they jar with the overall tone.
An example is: "Job done!" I just don't imagine your character would say this so flippantly, or so simply. Another example is "ain't"; I just don't think that it fits with the overall tone that you have created. I don't really like that whole section, where the narrator is being mean about his ugly mum. I don't think it really adds anything to your piece - I think it could be more effective if the readers weren't told of any 'motives', as we would be left guessing and want to read on.
You've got some lovely lines in here,
"Her smell reaches me before the large shadow consumes what little light my eyelids allowed to pass its filters" being another of my favourites. I think you've tried hard, and it's paid off. Just remember to use capitals when starting a new sentence etc. I know Word Voodoo is quite informal, but it's important to get the basics down.
I really look forward to your next post!
You've got an ambitious opening here - and it *almost* works. I think the main problem is with the old "showing, not telling" gambit: for example, this phrase: "Mother was never one to show her emotions, she prefered to present herself as an egg; a hard yet thin shell that surpressed a wobbly mess within which, under the right amount of pressure, would surely crack." This TELLS the reader pretty much everything, and there's also a problem with point of view. Would the mother really have this much personal insight to know that she's presenting herself as an egg (which is a difficult metaphor, anyway)? I think you need to cut out some of the attributing factors: "Mother was like an egg, thin-shelled, messy beneath the shell", for example, would suffice.
ReplyDeleteYou've certainly got the ominous quality of the Herbert piece, which presents itself with the explicit introduction of the narrator; the character is assimilated into the story well. However, I'm not sure you've made the reader sympthasise with the character, as you point out with the Herbert - this is a thoroughly unsettling character you've written!
A few problems with switches in tone/register, too - sometimes it's high register (eg. "shallow faces drained of emotion yet flowing with tears...except one"), others lower (eg. "my mum" is more commonplace language).
You've done well to get any kind of narrative arc into so small a space, but remember this is just the opening; you can spend a bit longer on the premise, and not have to tie everything up into a narrative in this exercise.
A few grammatical and punctuation mishaps here and there, too - just make sure you double-check, as it's easy for them to slip by unnoticed...
Well done.
Penny
I won't add much, as Penny and Frances have covered most things. However, I think it is REALLY worth that final redraft next time, just to iron out the handful of errors with punctuation/grammar.
ReplyDeleteAs for the story itself, I got a little confused, I have to say, about what precisely was happening; but I was, nonetheless, suitably unnerved, and I found the final two paragraphs were very convincing examples of the horror genre.
Just listen carefully to Penny's advice about 'show not tell'. You don't need to give us quite as much information as you do at times; and that goes for your final sentence too...