Part 1 -
I chose the 4th extract from the 5. Although it's a book from 1915, I found the text engaging and also found the description of the scene interesting. I especially enjoyed the metaphors used and the meaningful atmosphere they created. The text drew me in and I found it very good at producing images in my mind about what the characters felt and were doing. I also thought that he described the feelings of the characters, in particular the man, very well and bought life and realism to it all.
Nearly Perfect -
It was all so perfect, so exact, the optimum temperature and the optimum atmosphere. He knew it as did I, it was the right time and the right place. The creature that thumped within my chest knocked on my rib cage as if to signal “yes”. I looked at him and saw a change; he looked so different all of a sudden. It was as if he’d suddenly been imported from within a utopia. His movements were so subtle that I hardly noticed yet mine moved in sequence, although I had not much control over them, his movements requested and mine accepted.
I had had enough signals for me to take down my defense and I plunged deeper in to explore the thick, zeal filled, ambiance. I could now feel more than ever his lips touched mine and the reaction let loose a steroid which instantly boosted my sense of touch in every cell. Silence was now the only music that played. I sank into his arms and rested as a bird in her nest. My head felt the comfort of his chest and my arms the warmth of his. Every hair on his body dug into me, gripped my skin and ensured each tip of every hair paid its undivided attention into giving every particle it touched a sense of satisfaction, a seemingly everlasting connection of caressing delight.
His face lit up and brightened the room. He stared into my eyes and I dived into his. We were floating, suddenly transfixed in midair; I was transported to a different world and gradually back to actuality where he laid me down tenderly, onto a bed with a duvet made of perfumed red silk. I’d glided from the skies of paradise down to the grounds of earth; like a petal with an angel as a parachute to guard me safely onto a meadow of infinite passion.
Fizzy
Part One
ReplyDeleteI hope that your comment “Although it's a book from 1915” doesn’t mean that you discount books from your reading list because of their age! Also, as love is such a timeless subject, it is often easy to forget when the book was written, the emotions being relevant today. I think you are right, the focus of the extract lies mainly upon how the man is feelings. I wonder if you found it a little disturbing how he constantly compared his lover to a child? The metaphor you mention are certainly consistent, though I did find them a little clichéd.
Part Two
You have certainly captured how in love these two are! You have used a lot of emotive language in order to effect some empathy in the reader, and I think this works very well. You have played into the genre of romance very well. I feel where your work is let down slightly is in your metaphors. Most are not clichéd, and I commend your attempt at creating some original metaphors. However they don’t quite seem right. “The creature that thumped within my chest knocked on my rib cage”… I’m not sure whether it’s the comparison of a heart to an animal or the language used, but something doesn’t seem right here. Maybe “the beast that raged in my breast” has more strength? Just try playing around with different vocabulary until you rest upon the perfect words to express what you mean. “I’d glided from the skies of paradise down to the grounds of earth; like a petal with an angel as a parachute” I really loved the start of this metaphor, and think it would be stronger without the slightly clichéd image of an angel. Gliding like a petal is a really poignant image that seems very appropriate within this context. I think that a little more work would perfect them, improving your story tenfold.
Some of my favourite lines are; “Silence was now the only music that played”, “his movements requested and mine accepted”. I think it would be a really nice contrast to the story if you played around with some short sentences to emphasise the importance of individual feelings or observations in the story.
Overall, well done, you have taken on the task of adding original metaphors and have made sure the reader understands the extent of the love that your protagonists share.
hey Fizzy,
ReplyDeletei very much enjoyed reading your piece. you have managed to incorperate the majority of what you liked aboutextract 4 into your work, with the strong focus on the emotions of one character and the metaphors used to make the piece seem poignant. I agree with you that the metaphors did create an image very easily, but like Gina, i feel this was because they were cliched, and while this may have helped form an image, it didn't arouse the interest your much more unusual metaphors did. I loved the line "I sank into his arms and rested as a bird in her nest." An interesting image which evoked the idea of comfort and homeliness.
I would try looking at repeating words and different puncuation that can be used. While repetition can be used for effect, sometimes it gets lost and makes the peice seem unoriginal. the line "I looked at him and saw a change; he looked so different all of a sudden. It was as if he’d suddenly been imported from within a utopia." made the sudden movement seem not so sudden as you use the word twice. Maybe "...different all of a sudden, as if he'd been imported from within..." or "...he looked different. As if he'd suddenly been imported...". Playing with where you put your puncuation can also add effect. rather than making the movement sudden, make the speech sudden by putting in a full stop or elipsis.
I actually prefered your piece to extract 4, with the interesting images and less cliched language. Well done
Kat