Extract 3:
This extract caught my attention as soon as i started reading it. I liked the fact that the romance is something people can actually relate to, instead of a perfect, storybook fantasy. It captures some of the struggles teenagers have expressing their feelings to one another, how always one struggles with the concept that the other actually likes them. For instance, the writer wrote, “He could not think. A tingling sensation was spreading throughout him, paralyzing his arms, legs, and brain.” This shows that the character is confused and stunned, which then leads him to a paralyzed state.
New Girl
He sat at his desk in Biology concentrating on something...on someone. The new girl. Her face was a gorgeous pale white and her eyes were a golden butterscotch colour. Jason had never seen someone’s eyes this colour before. She was perfect.
“What is so special about her? Why am i so interested in her? Why is she the most beautiful person that I have ever seen? Why am i such an idiot?” Jason kept asking these questions to himself.
The bell had not yet rung but he prayed and prayed for it to ring soon. A distraction was exactly what he needed from her. At that moment, she came walking through the door. Her walk had a certain unknown rhythmic pattern to it. Jason’s luck looked like it was turning around. The only available seat was the one beside him. She walked gracefully to the seat not noticing Jason staring with adoring eyes.
“Hey I’m Bella,” she said in a musical voice.
He froze, arms and legs locked into place. He was stunned and slightly confused on why such a beautiful person noticed him. At least now, he knew her name.
“H-h-hello. M-my name is J-Jason,” he stuttered. This made her laugh which then lead to a sigh.
“I hate Biology don’t you?” she asked.
“No actually i like Biology very much.” Jason surprised himself at how easily he was able to talk to her now.
Class was almost finished now. Jason laughed at all his past worries now. Bella and Jason were becoming good friends now; they had Biology and English together.
“Jason” Bella called.
“Yes” Jason replied; his blood was racing under his veins.
Bella stepped towards him hesitantly...then again...until finally she was so close that he could see every aspect of her face clearly. Her breath was in his face as was his in hers. She leaned in closer. Then slowly Jason leaned in and kissed her, unaware of her cold, lips moving in perfect synchronization to his. He had no idea what he was doing but he knew he liked it. This was their first real kiss...
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that strikes me about your piece is how similar to 'Twilight' it is. You've used the same Biology class, the only spare seat in the room to throw your characters together, the same descriptions of pale skin and butterscotch eyes, and you've even called your female protagonist Bella.
It's OK to be influenced by the books you read or what you watch in movies, but try to mix it up a little bit. Use your own imagination.
You said in your analysis that you liked the Harry Potter extract the best because it was the most realistic and something that the readers could relate to. However, I don't think that your own piece reflects this. Everything seems to happen very quickly with the characters, it seems like they meet and then two lessons later they are making out. He instantly overcomes his shyness too, which I think is a bit unrealistic; he only stutters once. I think that Jason would remain shy for a while, no matter how nice Bella was.
You tell us that Jason and Bella are "good friends" but don't show us. Your writing would benefit from some more 'showing' rather than 'telling'.
You could have spent more time on the details if you had zoomed in a bit; rather than describing how they met and what happened afterwards, you could just keep the situation in the classroom, and have Jason worrying that she thinks he's a dork, sweating because he's nervous, and maybe some eye contact, then some dialogue and he could show her where her English class is, or something.
You could have developed the characters a bit more this way too, at the moment they seem quite flat. I think that the more you move away from 'Twilight' the better, then you can create your own characters rather than being hemmed in by your ideas about Stephanie Meyer's characters, e.g. Bella has "cold" lips. Normally, I'd say that it's a nice, realistic detail, but as you've used so much of 'Twilight' in this piece already, when I get to this, I just think that you're using another of Meyer's vampire details rather than one you've made up yourself, which is a shame as it discounts all the effort that have put in.
I look forward to reading your next post, best of luck!
Sabz,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you've tried to cram a lot of action into one short piece. Rather than showing us how the characters meet, I think it might have been better to focus on the moment of most romantic tension. So, in revision, you may want to focus on polishing one scene (probably the one culminating in a kiss).
I really like your description of their kiss. It has all the elements of a first kiss - awkwardness, uncertainty, the sense that it's not what you expected but it's somehow better. I don't think you need to say "This was their first real kiss... " because the description of the kiss makes that clear. Also, what do you mean by real kiss? Have they had other close contact before, but not quite a kiss?
Keep it up!
Maria