Excerpt 1- The Great Gatsby (1925) by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Fitzgerald manages to show a different side to the ending kiss he showed the side on what some men may feel and for girls like me and other ladies, this is a different sense to what we may feel. Fitzgerald describes every little part in detail; he uses some strong descriptions and a lot of imagination. He didn’t use any dialogue, which created room for the reader to imagine what the character was thinking. Every line gave a new meaning to romance. I thoroughly enjoyed this story opening, It was great, not too soppy but soppy enough!! F. Scott Fitzgerald produced an exceptional piece. I loved it!
The Kiss
My night out with my date was about to come to an end, he was kind enough, to walk me home. The wind was blowing calmly, but I still felt a slight chill, I shivered, but was suddenly warmed as he wrapped his coat around me.
It was a beautiful night, the moon was shining down at us and the stars were brightly twinkling in the sky, the trees where swaying softly to the music that the wind was performing. As we were walking, I could feel his hand link with mine, he swayed closer to me; I couldn’t help but smile, I like him a lot, actually I’ve liked him for ages and now I have him in the grasp of my hand. This had to be the best night of my life, I’m sure of it.
As we walked down the lonely road, he suddenly said ‘the moonlight is beautiful, soft and bright, as it touches my skin, like a spirit, so strong I feel within, thank God for this amazing night’
I blushed. His voice was just so captivating, I felt as if I was in one of those Hollywood movies.
‘You’re not so bad you’re self’ I stupidly answered back.
Oh God what on earth was I saying. Quick THINK of a comeback, quick!!
‘Actually, I have had the time of my life, it’s been amazing, and thank you’.
We reached my house and stopped.
We turned to face each other. My eyes meet with his gorgeous green, waiting for him to make the next move, eventually he moves closer, so close that I can hear his every breath and smell his after shave. He puts his hands near the small of my back. I feel an overwhelming sensation of excitement take clutch of my entire body, finally our lips meet…
Hi lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteThere are some strong images here.
"the music that the wind was performing" is interesting but perhaps needs the active voice: "the wind performed..." this could also lead to a more concrete image of how the wind performs the music.
"now I have him in the grasp of my hand" works well on both the physical and metaphorical level.
The male's speech is poetic, ("like a spirit" is especially strong) but a bit archaic, a bit over the top romantic to my ear.
The female's responses add much needed humour and lightness to the situation.
There does seem to be a tense problem. Switching to the present while the kiss occurs could work as an experiment (emphasising the immediacy); however,
"This had to be the best time of my life. I'm sure of it."
is difficult to justify. You might need to check this past/present switch.
I especially like "My eyes meet with his gorgeous green" It flows smoothly, rhythmically.
Also,
"take clutch of my entire body" is odd but/and effective syntax.
You might want to look over the first paragraph. It's not as strong, original as your previous work.
lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteThis piece is very good at conveying mood through description. At the same time, descriptions of the moon and stars during a romantic moment might be a little cliche, but sometimes that can't be helped. After all, when someone is in love, they want to gaze into the eternity of the sky and think of how lucky they are and how big their happiness is. So I'm not saying you should change your descriptions, but at least think about how you are using them.
I was a little confused by the romantic exchange in the following:
"As we walked down the lonely road, he suddenly said ‘the moonlight is beautiful, soft and bright, as it touches my skin, like a spirit, so strong I feel within, thank God for this amazing night’
I blushed. His voice was just so captivating, I felt as if I was in one of those Hollywood movies.
‘You’re not so bad you’re self’ I stupidly answered back."
The narrator's response of "You're not so bad yourself" is confusing to me, because it sounds like she is responding to a compliment, when in fact her date is just romantically describing the night. You might want to change it so that his words are an obvious comment on her beauty or perfection or his feelings for her.
Also, even in first person, I tend to be hesitant about narrators giving direct voice to their thoughts, especially if the rest of the narratotion is quite literary. For example: "Oh God what on earth was I saying. Quick THINK of a comeback, quick!!" is not as effective to me as, say, "I immediately regretted my words. They sounded pathetic. I quickly tried to think of something else..." etc., etc.
Good work! Keep it up.
Maria
Hi Lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteYour narrator has an endearing and affectionate tone which lends itself well to the romantic theme. It seems fitting, too, that the piece is set in the unpredictable realm of night.
To improve this I think you might want to look again at some of your descriptions: 'it was a beautiful night, the moon was shining at us and the stars were brightly twinkling in the sky.' I realise that by describing the night like this you are hoping to enhance the loveliness of this meeting but 'beautiful' doesn't tell us much. This is when figurative language may come in useful...why don't you compare the night sky to something emotionally important to the narrator? By doing this you'd give us a greater indication of their character and also enhance the narrative's language. Again, when you describe his eyes as a 'gorgeous green,' you are successful in conveying interest, but it could be a lot more distinctive.
Keep going at it, and thanks for posting,
Liz
Hey,
ReplyDeletejust to say, sorry for being late in my reply. time keeping isn't one of my assests.
I really enjoyed your piece. It was lighthearted in places, but also romantic and created a 'warm fuzzy' feeling. some of your lines seem slightly over the top and cliched, but I think this works well with the humour created by the woman. I absolutely loved the line "I have him in the grasp of my hand", it just seems so curella de vil and i lvoe it. like the main character has managed to engineer this situation perfectly. I also love the line "Quick THINK of a comeback, quick!!" although i don't think you needed the second quick. The language was fairly coloquial, which deifnately put the reader in the mind of the protagonist.
a great piece, well done
Kat
excellent work brilliant example of prose!!
ReplyDelete