Part 1
I know this may seem absolutely terrible but I read this opening without reading the title, so when I started I had no idea what was going on or any idea what was going to happen. The first line grabbed me again because this man was saving to buy something that could not be brought, so because I was confused I decided to read on; because I’m not a fan of horror I wish I didn’t now. As I continued to read it just seemed to be a story about a drunkard which sent me into a bigger whirlwind of confusion (what horror would be about that), but then we were thrown into vermin eating a man! I didn’t know what to think and I was sitting at the edge of my seat but I HAD to keep reading because I was… Horrified. I can really not described what drew me in; all I can say is it made something that I am not scared of or even find disgusting something that will probably give me nightmares and that has to be a skill in itself.
Part 2
She was sitting there with all her friends asking for their face painted and balloons blown up in animal shapes for them. No matter what any of them said she was not going to talk to him, he was not meant to be there, he was out of place and she did not like him.
She had looked forward to this day for three and a half months and it was nowhere what she thought it would be cracked up to be and she was not about to hide her disappointment, for this was Anna’s 10th birthday and it had to be perfect, at any cost. After he had made 80 ‘Tiggers’, and attempted to make a few ‘Winnie the Pooh’s’ he started his ‘show’ this is when Anna exploded and decided she no longer had to take this.
Outside she sat there by herself and plotted of how she was going to get her unwanted guest out, she knew he didn’t mean any harm but he was causing her ‘unwanted’ distress and he had to go.
A few hours later Anna was awoke by prodding; after opening her eyes and getting up the questions started, but she was confused because it was not those of ‘Where have you been?’ or ‘Are you ok?’ it was those of ‘How many where inside?’ and ‘Did you witness the attack?’. A horrified Anna looked both confused and dumfounded as she was lead to the police car.
***
To this day no one actually knows what happened to thirteen of Anna’s friends, parents and of course the clown. One thing people do know however is that Anna never seemed to cry or look for comfort and not once did she plea for someone to come forward even in her later years. Anna has only ever been near one clown since, her husband.
I think that is a very good way to read the story! It certainly would have created more suspense in the reading, as you would not immediately be given all the answers to what these creatures are and what they want! I think that upon reading the novel (not that I have myself) you would probably find it more comprehendible, as it is common in horror writing to set the story up by supplying a character who will have no influence on the rest of the story, yet who sets up the premiss of the story. In this case, a drunk who spends his time skulking around empty buildings would be a perfect throw away character to inform the reader of what to expect from the rest of the novel.
ReplyDeleteIt is an interesting idea for a story, and uses a common method in horror writing in involving a child in the narrative events. As Henry James puts it, it adds “another turn of the screw”. It is interesting how you have made Anna the antagonist and protagonist of this piece.
I would suggest reading back over your work as many of the sentences do not make sense. For example, “and it was nowhere what she thought it would be cracked up to be”, I assume you were aiming for the “nowhere near what it was cracked up to be”, but even then, this phrase is a little clichéd and would it really be employed by a 10 year old? That also poses some problems, as you are entering in free indirect discourse into the mind of a ten year old. I assume that the long sentences and repeated use of the word ‘and’ is an attempt at creating a dialogue mimicking a 10 year olds. This works well, however I am not sure you have entirely mastered it. Go back over the piece and work out which phrases are likely to be the authors, and which come directly from Anna. Then you will be able to create a fluid piece of prose where the register is consistent.
Also, before Anna is prodded awake, there appears to be no insighting incident. There doesn’t necessarily have to be one described, yet there has to be a gap between her sitting in the garden and her being asleep or unconscious. I like the mystery at the end, and the implication that something sinister went on, it would be interesting to see how you would develop the story. Would you follow Anna through her childhood or simply use this as an example of a problem plaguing a different character?
Shani,
ReplyDeleteIt certainly doesn’t sound terrible. Terrible of course that you may have a lifetime of nightmares, though! However, reading an excerpt without the title of the book isn’t terrible, I suppose it forces you to follow the story more in depth, create a side story for yourself… especially if the title gives so much of the story away, like “The Rats”. It may have been confusing, but it probably allowed your imagination to go a little crazier.
I do really like the idea of your story, there’s a lot of mystery in it, and of course, cliff hangers. And, as much as I like a good cliff hanger, I think you use the skill too excitedly. It can be the perfect horror tactic, but in moderation, because the story does need to be set up to create a vivid, scary, image. You’re headed on the right track, for sure, but next time, or if you want to continue this piece – which I think you should, it’s got great potential! – then build some more on the story. Connect the link between Anna sitting in her garden, to when she wakes up from her unconsciousness. Give us a little more information to get us even more scared.
Again, as another moderator wrote, re-read your story, and see if you can re-word some of your sentences, because even the first sentence, “She was sitting there with all her friends asking for their face painted and balloons blown up in animal shapes for them,” can be re-written more effectively.
Really well done though, on your first horror attempt. I really like your analysis because it’s honest, and insightful.
Good work!
Genevieve
Thank you for your comments i really do need to read over my work more then once because i do make a lot of foolish mistakes. Gina i do get the comments from a 10 year old thing but to be honest thats what i wanted; she is not supposed to be the 'normal' 10 year old she is supposed to think like an older person. That was my plot. So she probablly doesn't sound like a 10 year old but that is what i aimed for a crazy, vindictive 10 year old with split personalities. The reason there was cliche comments is because further in the story you would have found out she was like this becuase of her parents, and as you may know children pick up comments like that from their parents. But thanks for the comments. Maybe next time i will post my plan so you get where my thoughts are heading. Thanks for commenting.
ReplyDeleteJust thought I would comment quickly, as I promised I would do so...
ReplyDeleteObviously, I echo Gina's and Genevieve's comments about your syntax and grammar, which often misfire - but I am confident you could have ironed most of this out with some closer redrafting.
As for the story itself, and its place in the horror genre, I like your attempt to present events through a child's eyes, and I see what you mean about her being a little bit 'different'. However - and I hope this isn't me being obtuse - I was a little confused by what exactly happened. Part of me thought she was somehow 'possessed' and the 'he' was a voice in her head. But then a 'voice' couldn't make balloon animals, so then I thought something terrible had happened at the party, and she had somehow escaped alive. I am not sure the final paragraph was necessary or helped matters here; I would have preferred just a little more 'telling' in the paragraph beginning "Outside she sat there..." Your use of suspense is great, but you don't want to lose your reader completely.
Hope that is helpful.
Hi Shani, sorry for this late response.
ReplyDeletePART 1 - I don't think confusion should really be a reason to read on. I think you should be intregue and curious, but the writer shouldn't really make you confused, unless for a certain effect. Here, I think the confusion may have just been your misunderstanding of the subject matter, rather than the writer's intent. However, yes, you are very right in saying sometimes horrific things grip us, and we feel compelled to read on. This is often the case with horror fiction! It's like when you watch a scary movie through your fingers - you don't want to watch, but at the same time, you really really do.
PART 2 - Great idea. Right away I thought 'oh no, clowns!'. As the others have said, you should try to re-read your work (outloud even) and improve your sentence structure. Make sure they flow smoothly and make perfect sense. Be careful not to switch tenses, too. I thought you could have done without the bit after the (*) break, as it works well as an opening without it. Very sinister stuff, though. Well done!