In my opinion, I think that “The Rats” by James Herbert was effective. The first line grabs the reader’s attention, “all he cared for now was saving up his meagre…” and the reader immediately finds out that the character doesn’t really care for anything else but to save up “his meagre to buy more oblivion.” There is tension in the story and then the reader gets an image of what is happening to Guilfoyle, “the taste of his own sticky blood made him retch.” “Huge teeth that were meant for his throat,” the reader can see the painful experience that Guilfoyle is going through. I especially like the last line, “he felt nothing, just a spreading sweetness over his body.”
Staring at the night sky that surrounded him, he wondered what was left to him. He had nothing, not much on his body but he had his thoughts running freely up in his mind.
His feet laying there on the filthy ground and very little source of light could be found there. He was never certain on what path he wanted to lead his life but he ended up here on this street, Red Street. He stood up with great difficulty; a stream of pain ran down his back. He was in search of something though he wasn’t sure of what. The wind blew hard on his face as though giving him a sign to turn back, to stay away from where he was trying to go.
He saw an old ruin building up the street that seemed to be dripping in poison and decided it will be his shelter for that night. He slowly went up to the gates and opened it, the grass was over grown and the whole place made the surrounding shiver in fear expect for him.
Something gave him a tickling feeling on his back; he didn’t take notice of it at first. He carried on walking and sometimes he would nearly fall over some bits and pieces that was on the ground but that didn’t bother him much. Now he felt a sharp cut on his right leg and he felt blood dripping out, he stopped. Look on his right but he couldn’t tell what was there and carried on walking to the door. It was locked. He sat on the step and again another sharp cut on his left leg this time. He bend down to see if the blood was still coming out, his hands never saw that much redness and his leg never felt the pain he was feeling then.
They looked like tiny spiders with dark red eyes. Sharper cuts, he screamed and shouted. His voice reached to no one. Few minutes later, the pain disappeared and redness controlled his body.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGood to read you work again.
In the rats peice there is something nicely structured in the way the character is seeking oblivion in alcohol and find it in giant rats. I agree with you on the last line too.
Good opening. You take us through this scene in a very pacing way, and this kind of imediate introdution to the character's thoughts and the rough scene (using 'night sky') serves you well.
Do be careful of using word repetition in a setence. It is present in your opening, with 'him' and later in the line: His feet laying there on the filthy ground and very little source of light could be found there.
It's an easy thing to fix but difficult to spot when you're first writing, so it's good to re-read thoroughly. Everyone makes mistakes when then first put something down (or at least I tell myself that) so it's really important to check stuff.
A section you should focus opened with 'he saw an old ruin building...' - there are a few straight forward mistakes in there. They're easy to spot, so I won't take you through them, and easy to make too, so no fret, but always try to check.
Your sense of brooding menace is cool throughout this piece - I really like the image of water running from a house at night being like poison, and the detail of dark red eyes on the spiders is pretty freaky.
I think in that section where he recognises the danger you could space things out a bit more - have him see a spider, then pain, then more description of spiders, then pain, then the ending, so it's not so sudden we can't take it in.
Good image of redness taking over his body though.
Well done with this - I look forward to the next piece,
Andy
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGreat opening setence here - it's elegant and mysterious without being befuddling. A difficult balance, and you've pulled it off with style!
I'm a bit lost with the next bit, though - "thoughts running freely up in his mind" from where? I think I know what you mean - the way thoughts seem to arrive from somewhere else - but the way it's phrased is a bit confusing.
Your syntax in general sometimes gets a bit muddling: you've mixed two fragments with "His feet laying there on the filthy ground and very little source of light could be found there." There are a few punctuation problems, too - you've done it perfectly at other points, so I think it's probably just a proofreading issue.
You've built up tension well in the piece, but I think the turn comes pretty abruptly - we need to be "placed" a bit more in the scene, because as it stands we feel disorientated until the character suddenly knows exactly where he is, seeing the ruin "up the street". This can be fixed by giving us a few details about the surroundings piece by piece, so that the point of view is that of the character - gradually gaining awareness.
I think the ending borrows from the extract, but that's OK as you've set the piece in a different scene - just make sure you're not taking the same idea as the author of the extract!
Well done, though - this made me want to read on, which is the most important thing about suspense writing.
Penny
Hello again.
ReplyDeleteI think in your appraisal of Herbert you have responded to what is a defining characteristic of your own writing; a vivid glut of evocative language that irresistably draws in the reader, which is exactly what Herbert does with his heightened and reasonably melodramatic opening line, and once he has ensnared the reader, then he keeps them reading through his endless stream of intrigue and dark prose.
The main flaw in your own piece, however, is the pacing, which is exactly what Penny pointed out; the tension at the beginning is very good, and the horror at the end is very good, but the relationship between them both is somewhat tenuous, and you seem to be more interested in the tension as it occupies most of the story before the horror element suddenly appears, making seem a little tagged-on for the mere sake of it.
It's strengths are, however, that your characteristic flair for imagery is present as always; with the personification of wind as a conscious warning providing the very interesting and thought-provoking idea of the relationship between nature and conscious human thought.
From my own perspective, however, I'd just like to see more of this type of writing; your poetry is full of it and that's one of the reasons it's so compelling, but your mastery of imagery seems slightly diluted here. I appreciate that it's difficult to marry the rich imagery of your poetry with the more linear narrative requirements of prose but I'm sure you can quite easily manage it.
Therefore I found this piece a little more disjointed than your usual work, and a little lacking in your usual confidence, but all the usual elements of your writing strength are here, you just need a little more work at the overall pacing and structure to make to truly shine,
Well done again,
Eoghan
Hey Everyone,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all the comments, helpful as always. :)
I get what you mean about the pacing, I will work on that and the structure of my writing a bit more.