Excerpt 2 - "The Rats" by James Herbert
A novel that begins with a superfluous amount of self – exposure is purely what I look for in a book. “The Rats” by James Herbert accentuated the problem of vagrancy in the London suburbs and justified how lives were wasted from excessive alcohol consumption and unemployment; none of the details of this problem were obscured by the hindrance of upsetting or shocking the reader. The opening was insecurely remorseless – in my opinion, exactly what a horror genre book should be like. However, not too much was revealed and you had to work your way round the information you had been given to decipher the message the author was trying to give out to his audience. It appears to me that James Herbert was historically discussing the neglect of the lower – class in presumably the Victorian or Edwardian times, whilst mixing this with the horror genre, which is very popular at present. Moreover, I find having a book that you have to read a few times to absorb the real picture is the most intellectually effective.
Death's Cobweb
Reassurance knitted a safe place to tread in the depths of Alice’s heart. For a night without the shadow of terror violating her peace, she was overwhelmed with the fact that these next twelve hours were a respite from the dark world that quietly closed in on the brick and mortar she lay so near to.
All that matters now is you and me, thought Alice, as she placed her hand protectively on the erupting mount that bulged out of her dilapidating chestnut robes. Alice’s body shivered in the dim light that sympathetically emitted a useless amount of decent visibility. She had suddenly realised that she hadn’t eaten all day after spending the entire evening searching for a hospitable place to rest.
Not exactly a luxury, but I suppose it will do for the night, Alice thought, as tears pierced her florid cheeks. She felt a sudden jolt within the depths of her stomach.
Ah, the baby. My baby. Don’t worry. We’ll get through this. We both will. Life may seem horrible now, but it will get better. Things always do. When you feel the world is against you, hold your head high and - Alice broke down in tears, unable to hold back what was eating her up inside.
Pull yourself together, Alice. It's time I realised that nobody cares for me anymore. No - one. Fending for yourself is the only way to survive now.
Alice reached over and grasped an egg that lay on the thin blanket of straw. She cracked its shell on the icy ground, tilted her head back and uneasily allowed the gelatinous contents to slip down her throat. The raw egg immediately invaded her sensitive stomach, causing her to heave and yelp with disgust and revulsion. She stood up, feeling even more nauseous and peered out of the window. Night was drawing its vicious curtains around her and the spell of midnight was making Alice’s eyes flutter in a tiring manner. Slowly, the day’s labour began to take its toll on poor Alice and she fell into a uncontrollably deep sleep; liberated from the pain she would wake up to the next morning. . .
Alice awakened startled – oblivious of the time, yet aware of the scorching heat that stifled her quickening breaths. Something wasn’t right. The farmhouse was very hot, yet her breaths emitted opaque clouds of cold air. Alice glanced down at her limbs. Her ghostly white skin was peeling; burning; eaten by the invisible inferno she was trapped in amongst. Alice screamed, expecting to hear the echo of her terror. Nothing. Nothing. But then - Alice’s hairs on the back of her neck stood straight up. Whispering. Cold, penetrating whispers inaudibly congested the farmhouse. Alice grabbled the straw underneath her, endeavouring to heave herself upwards and flee from the abnormalities of the farm. But the pain was weakening the remaining strength she had left. The whispering now deathly screams that stabbed her insides. The cadaverous spirit looming towards her; sucking the sad life out of her dead soul. She was gone. So was the only thing that had truly loved her. Alice Shelton: no longer a woman in full bloom, but a lifeless corpse dead for all the wrong reasons . . .
It certainly is a relentless opening to a novel! This is what I enjoyed about it as well, he does not attempt to bombard the reader with enigmatic or supernatural occurrences, he simply describes the narration as it unfolds, truly showing and not telling. You seem to have read an awful lot into this short extract, and have uncovered some interesting class issues. As I haven’t read the book I cannot assure you of Herbert’s intentions, yet I am impressed with your analytic skills!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting opening to a story, and raised many questions in my mind. It also subtly hinted at Alice’s situation without overtly informing the reader exactly what is going on. Though saying this, you ensure that all of the vital information is systematically leaked to the reader. This is a hard task to do successfully but you have coped very well with it.
Your change from authorial narration and 1st person narration beginning “Pull yourself together, Alice.” needs a clearer emphasis to inform your reader that you have not simply switched unwittingly between 1st and 3rd person narration. Perhaps italics, or quote marks?
I would also suggest a slightly more simple with you diction, as you sometimes get muddled with the words that you use. For example, “the dim light that sympathetically emitted a useless amount of decent visibility”. Light doesn’t emit visibility, it emits light, which in turn allows us to see. It sometimes feels a little like your diction is forced, such as in “protectively on the erupting mount that bulged out of her dilapidating chestnut robes”. It isn’t a particularly fitting way to describe a baby bump, especially one that she appears to be so fond of. There is no shame in using a simple register, sometimes a piece can become more poignant if this is done well. Just rethink some of your words to see if they are saying exactly what you want them to say.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteWow - this is a great piece. I'm really impressed by how much emotion you got into such a short scene.
I like your logic with the Herbert piece. H G Wells is another good example of issues addressed through horror. Maybe be careful with the meaning of 'The opening was insecurely remorseless' - it would be better put as 'there is a remorseless semse of insecurity.'
I was unsure of your first sentence to begin with. It's meaning, with two metaphors, seemed a little lost, but to be honest I like it a lot. Having the sense of treading on a knitted object is such a gentle and precarious image - it beautifully evokes what you're decribing. I love it - very well done.
I think that your use of language is a treat. There are the odd points, such as 'disgust and revulsion' where one word serves the necessary purpose, but from your style it's better that you do what feels natural first - don't worry about being too wordy, but once you've finished have a carful re-read, at cut down anything unnecessary.
I felt genuinely sorry for the character in this - it's very well achieved, and you should be really pround. Well done,
Andy
Hi again,
ReplyDeleteI have a bit more time than when I first commented, so thought I would give you some follow up (also sorry for the typos in the last one).
Your sensory language is very cool - the 'gelatinous' egg 'invading' Alice's stomach is sickening - well done.
I would reinstate what I said before about not getting hung up on getting things perfect as you go, but there are a few meanings that could be made clearer with a re-read, for example, 'tiring manner' could maybe by 'tired manner' - picky things like that.
The way you represent thought is great. I like that you embed snippets of Alice's thinking in the text - it keeps a good, interesting pace to the piece. It's very kinetic.
I'm not sure about the forshadowing - it's a good staple of horror writing, and I think it's a good hook, I just wasn't sure about the phraing:
liberated from the pain she would wake up to the next morning.
You can be 'free from the pain..' but liberated would be 'freed from the pain' which is less precise because she hasn't experienced it yet.
'Cadaverous spirit' is, for lack of a better way of putting it, really cool. Freaky stuff. Well done again,
Andy
STARDUST,
ReplyDeleteImpressive as always. I like how you’ve tackled this first horror task (I really hope there are more!).
Your analysis of Herbert’s piece is insightful and touches on very important aspects of horror pieces, which I’m delighted to see you attempted in your piece. Mimicking style is how we learn and develop our own, so I’m glad you’re being inspired.
You have a wonderful vocabulary and use words I hardly dream of. I’m so glad to see you using it (obviously, that’s the only way we really learn – when we use it in context!) because it’s a huge tool for future writing. However, I do agree that your word choice sometimes seems forced in certain sentences. Don’t be afraid to use simple language, because sometimes that is what a piece needs. It’s horror, and sometimes horror needs to be clear, sharp and obvious – the bold tone often makes it even more frightening. You should play around with it, because truly, sometimes shorter, less formal words are more effective. I ADORE your first line, knitting and treading are great words, imaginative words, but a sentence like “Alice grabbled the straw underneath her, endeavouring to heave herself upwards and flee from the abnormalities of the farm,” can be simplified and words can be changed to make it heart stopping.
I really enjoy your story line, and like where it is heading. I hope that you write more, and that we get to see some of it. I’d especially love to be informed a bit more about what was killing her, and how it happened. Ambiguity is great in horror, but keeping too much is just torture for the reader! I just want to know more! But, it’s a great hook, you keep us needing more… GREAT if you want to continue the piece.
Again, really well done for your first horror story. You’ve fit a lot in, and developed the character well in the amount of words you had.
Any questions, let me know!
Genevieve