A Champions hard work never really ends
Most Runners-up will always reach the peak
But both will use performance enhancers,
All work and dedication can pay off
You cannot bear the shame of failing now
Will feelings be the reaper that ends them?
A person hopes to god that they do well
True meanings of skill are put to the test,
They feel the pain and suffer the effects,
Achievement’s when a real champion born,
One injury, one single injury
Is all it takes to ruin all that work,
The bitter aftertaste of pain, begins,
The whirlpool of confusion and delay,
The mind- the soul are all becoming low,
Each drop of perspiration goes to waste,
As it dries so too does my mind and soul
Time to reflect upon careers and life.
Outside the Window
A Harlot stands outside the churches wall
Do holy men dare wonder or to drool?
What I’d like to eat
I see it glistening in the sun’s delight
I’ve got to have that Mars Bar and the Sprite.
3. A Recent Dream
Headlamps of it illuminate my eyes
I’ve but a matter of seconds to avoid it
4. Annoying tasks overdue
My clear head fills with panic and pure fear
My hands an dfeet are frozen as it nears
5. My body
My nose is dripping with each breath I draw
My lungs demand more oxygen, much more.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteReally great stuff here. Well done. I love the theme you carry through the first section, and there's a great sense of descent towards the end.
It's clear that you've already mostly grasped the metre here. There are some minor mistakes, though - so I hope this helps.
'performance enhancers' doesn't fit the metre. It's hard to get it to and still keep the meaning though. Maybe 'enhancers to perform.' Or something better.
I read this line as: 'the REAper THAT ENDS THEM' which looks good typed in block capitals, but do something with the 'end' to make the metre work.
The way you use champion is ace, but the line 'real champion' gets thrown off metre by the 'real.'
'As it dries so too does my mind and soul' loses the metre. You can cut or add words, (the 'too' isn't helping, and you could lose 'my' too).
Great stuff though - that's picky bits. I love the line about injuries - it's so true. I'm not sure about every athelete using performance enhancers, but I'd certainly like to blame for not running as well as them.
Second section is great too - cool images, and such fun/inventive ideas. You've clearly got your head around the metre - very well done.
There is a lack of cesura, though, and altough there are no full stops, there could be one at the end of each line, so I'm not sure the enjambement works. Maybe try opening your second lines with things like 'as' or 'until' - that way the meaning continues until both lines are finished.
Really well done. I've enjoyed reading that a lot.
Take care, and good luck with the next assignment,
Andy
I'm sure you'll get
My hands an feet are frozen as its near
Sorry that my comment has a non-sensical bit at the bottom - My first comment got garbled and deleted, and that must be what was left.
ReplyDeleteOh, there was a point to it though - there's two tiny spelling errors in:
My hands an feet are frozen as its near
Enough said. Take care,
Andy
Hello,
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that you've got the hang of iambic pentameter, well done! All your lines have got enough syllables and the stresses are good too. I really like that you've managed to make Part 1 into a real poem without losing sight of the task; the iambic pentameter.
In Part 2 you've got the iambic pentameter going strong, good work. I really like the imagery you've got going on too, but you only have caesura in one of the couplets. You have some in Part 1, so I know you can do it, but it would have been nice to see some more. I like that you have rhymed couplets two and four, but I would agree with Andy and say that your enjambement isn't spot on, and I think that this is something that you could work on.
Great ideas though, I think you've done really well!
Frankie
Hi life,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the way in which you've woven the athletic themes within an exploration of formal poetry, which I thought complemented the task very well! (Both of which require a lot of energy and concentration!).
There were some occasional glitches with the metre, for example in the first line where the stresses didn't seem fully in sequence, but there are other lines such as 'You cannot bear the shame of failing now,' which worked very well.
In the second part of this exercise you used enjambment very effectively, and I enjoyed the questioning at the end of the first stanza along with the lovely contrasting images of the headlamps illuminating eyes...
Well done! A great attempt!
Liz
Hey life,
ReplyDeleteReally, really great job on the iambic pentameter aspect of this task. Really well done. I don’t want to go over the rules of it again in too much detail, especially because you really rocked the ten syllables per line rule, but remember to keep the emphasis on the right syllables. You do this quite well, but seeing as your next task is iambic again, keep it in mind. The first line, though, has more than ten syllables – I’ve counted 11. You should know that this task was a struggle for everyone, and you should be really proud at how well you kept count and kept the meaning of the poem intact within the structure.
I really love the rhetorical question you ask (I love questions within a poem, seeing as they often answer obscure ones) in line six. I also love your line, “The bitter aftertaste of pain, begins” as if the pain isn’t bitter enough. It’s a really great poem, the struggle of success and failure; it’s real for all of us. You’re a champion of this poem.
And, in part two, I adore Outside the Window - partly because I’ve often asked myself the same question, and because of the diction. Out of all the words you could’ve used, you used harlot, and you used drool. The word drool seems so unholy anyway, so barbaric and socially unacceptable. It’s the perfect word to suit the question. Again, love the rhetorical.
You’ve done really well here. The one thing I’ve said often is to always try to come up with new ways to say common things. We all hear “love is like a red, red rose” or “the world is your oyster”, so we all crave newness. It’s really challenging, but sometimes you can surprise yourself at how interesting it is to look at a mundane thing a different way. It’ll obviously also improve your poetry in general.
I hope this helps, the other comments have covered grammar and spelling. If you ever need anything revised or have a question while revising this, let me know.
Can’t wait to read further writings!
Genevieve
Thanks for all your comments and taking time to read them, ill keep them in mind.
ReplyDelete