Part 1
My life is full of exciting days now,
Before it was a grey cloud of dullness.
I like to sleep day and night, everyday,
Sometimes I can’t come out of my warm bed.
I like going on to the computer,
Though my mother thinks I have gone crazy.
I really like watching TV a lot,
Even though nothing exciting is on.
I’ve got a trampoline in my garden,
I like to jump, and jump, and jump, and jump.
On my fourteenth birthday I would like;
A big party in town hall with all my friends.
I like to eat chocolate it is yum,
I don’t mind it nutty or caramel.
I am part of the English workshop,
If I don’t finish this task by mid-night,
I’ll be in trouble with my mean teachers,
Evil Mr. Savage and Ms Ali.
I don’t like to skate I always fall,
I fall and hurt my bottom on the ice.
Part 2
Outside the window:
I look outside the window, I cry,
The world has turned into a massive bomb.
What I’d like to eat:
There is no cod in Pakistan, instead,
There is a whole lot of crunchy chicken.
A recent dream:
This has got to be a dream. I’m dying.
Please help me, there is fire everywhere.
Annoying tasks overdue:
Task 29. The deadline is mid-night,
What shall I do I haven’t finished yet.
My body:
My throat is dry, my forehead is sweating.
I think I am coming down with something.
Hi Neeq,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting your work. You certainly seem to have grasped the principles of pentameter.
Your first line doesn't quite work for me, though. I think that the stress falls on the wrong syllable of the word 'exciting.' It's the middle syllable that usually bears the stress - so, it should be ex-CIT-ing rather than EX-cit-TING. I think you have the same little hiccup with the line 'Sometimes I can’t come out of my warm bed.' Usually, we would pronounce the word 'sometimes' with the emphasis on the first syllable, and yet here it is the second syallable that is stressed - it should be SOME-times rather than some-TIMES. Does that make any sense?
Your second line works a lot better, though, as does your final line. And I really enjoyed 'I like to jump, and jump, and jump, and jump.' The repetition neatly reflects the action of bouncing, and your iambic pentameter is working too! Yay! With a little work, I'm sure you'll have mastered iambs in no time.
I would have liked to have seen more enjambement in your couplets, I have to say. The only real example is in your 'What I’d like to eat' couplet. I can, however, really relate to you 'My Body' couplet. I'm feeling the autumn term cold setting in as we speak!
Helen
Part One
ReplyDeleteImpressive work! I like the way that you have linked some of your lines rather than relying on end stops. I think that you have grasped the basics of iambic pentameter, however occasionally some of the stresses fall a little clumsily, for example, in “even though nothing” the stress falls on the second syllable of even, which is not how it is spoken. Also, be careful of using strong words in succession, as “my warm bed” sounds to me as if each of the words requires a stress, forcing your iambic meter into spondee.
With regards to your second line, putting day after sleep doesn’t appear right, as day requires a stress too. Maybe you could play around with adding a word in between, (ie. I like to sleep all day and night, though then that would mess up your line length).
I especially like the lines about your evil teachers; I think putting the stress on the second syllable of evil makes it slightly sinister. It is good to play around with the stresses of words to alter their tone.
Part Two
There are some really interesting ideas in this section. I think you could build on the idea of the world as a bomb, try not to stick to stereotypes though. You’re really confident with the device of caesura, I particularly like the line “Task 29. The deadline is midnight”, as the full stop really emphasises the importance of the fist two words. I think the first line of ‘What I’d like to eat’ flows very well, and the concept is very interesting too.
I would advise just to reread your work after finishing, as it is easy to concentrate on content rather than meter. A couple of your lines don’t quite fit exact iambic meter, so just double check that each stress falls where it is supposed to.
Hey Neeq, Just want to say well done, this is an interesting group of lines, with some very original ideas.
ReplyDeletePart1: I love the trampoline line, and you’ve managed to get the iamb of trampoline perfectly. “I’ve” tends to be stressed, but by slightly altering how you say it, it works perfectly. I also love the jumping of the trampoline, good effect and adds an almost onomatopoeic feel… good use of caesura, even though it wasn’t necessary in the brief. “On my fourteenth” doesn’t have enough syllables/feet… same with “I am part of” and “I don’t like to skate”, but interesting lines, and could work with small additions, such as “On MY fourTEENTH birthDAY i WOULD like A”. I like “I don’t mind it nutty or caramel”, good grasp of the iambic pentameter, well done!
Part 2: Your couplets have no real enjambment, although are all full of caesura, witch works well. “outside the window” is insightful, and brings up an important issue. I love the “what I’d like to eat” couplet, and you seem to have taken it from a real life experience, which works well. I like the insinuation that you’d like cod, but are equally happy with chicken. I have to say the half rhyming in “my body” works really well, and I love this couplet,
Kat
Hello Neeq, I suppose what strikes me about the mood of your poem is the pleasingly sedate and languid atmosphere, which makes it perfect for critiquing at 11:35PM.
ReplyDeleteAs has already been said, the only real problem is that you need to master your stresses, otherwise your lines are well-written and effective through being end-stopped, and self-contained.
When you are using small words your grasp of iambic pentameter is largely faultless. It is only when you attempt the larger words that you start to lose the rhythm somewhat.
In part 2, aside from a few technical wrinkles that need to be ironed out; "I look outside the window, I cry" only has 9 syllables, so you could even just add "I look outside the window and I cry".
In "This has got to be a dream" one would put the stress on the "got", so this could be changed to "This has to be a dream. I am dying".
The only other suggestion I should make is that you should have a real go at enjambement, as it's a very liberating poetic device.
Good luck with your next assignment,
Eoghan '4 minutes to midnight' Lavery
Hey Neeq,
ReplyDeleteHaha, your poem really made me laugh. XD
"I’ll be in trouble with my mean teachers/ Evil Mr. Savage and Ms Ali" is pure genious. ;)
Part 2's 'Outside the Window' is something I really like, seeing as it reminds me of the plot in Series 1/2 of Heroes. =3
You've managed to stick to the iambic rhythm pretty well for your first EVER task on Wordvoodoo, well done! Although there are a few mistakes, don't be put down by it. A lot of practice and a a good look at what the moderators have to say will do a lot of good (trust me, I went through it too xD).
Love the simplicity. It really gives an insight into your personality,
E.
Hey Neeq,
ReplyDeleteYour work is really interesting. You have grasped the rules for iambic pentameter. Well Done.
Part One:
Line 10 was good. ' i like to jump, and jump, and jump, and jump', the repetition of jump is very effective and gives a good sound to the poem.
I also like the way you have connected every two lines together.
'Evil Mr Savage and Ms Ali'
That made me crack up. :-P
Part Two:
I like what you have written for what i'd like to eat. the word 'crunchy' gives a interesting sound to it.
You must check your work after you have finished though. In line 15 and 19 you are short of the 10 syllables needed. But overall you have done well.
Xx ClOuD xX
Thank you everybody for those really wonderful and pleasing comments. I will try to follow those tips thank you very much.
ReplyDelete