I love you but you make it very hard.
The pain soon rips my soul; you turn away.
I’m tortured, twisted, shaken, sick and scarred.
The fiends of hell let loose in me; they prey
On love that’s true, enjoy its taste, it drips
And stains the floor with deep pools of dark red.
The red, oh red, my god the red, red lips
That smiled the sphinx’s smile; while I did bleed.
That enigmatic smile so quick to guile
Not me though, I sit alone on the chair
I’m hoping that they’ll leave me be. So vile
Are those that chase my dreams; I fall in prayer
Once more. I smile though blinded by the pain
And tonight ‘need’ binds me to you again.
*Chocaholic*
I'm really impressed with your sonnet Chocaholic and I hope that you're proud of it. You should be!
ReplyDeleteThe rhyming scheme and the iambic pentametre are almost perfect and the language you've used is great; lots of adjectives and it's very visual. I like the image of being eaten alive from the inside by the fiends of hell, and it's well executed.
You've used enjambement and caesura really well too. My favourite lines for these aspects are 7 and 8, I think it works really well.
A few minor pointers however, with the rhymes and iambic pentamentre. Lines 6 and 8 don't fully rhyme, with 'red' and 'bleed', but as a kind of half rhyme it's still good, and lines 13 and 14 with 'pain' and 'again' which I would pronounce 'a-gen' but maybe that's just my accent so I'm not sure if this counts as a full rhyme or maybe it's just me.
The iambic pentametre is mostly perfect, there are just a few lines where it doesn't quite fit with the natural stresses on the words. I think that these lines are 10 and 14. With line 10, alone would have to be read A-lone rather than the natural a-LONE and that threw me off a little because the rest of the line is perfect. It's the same with 14 too, just one word that doesn't quite fit; in this case 'tonight'. In the sonnet it would be pronounced TO-night when usually it would be said to-NIGHT.
But these are just minor things that shouldn't be too hard to rectifiy and I hope that they don't detract from how much I like this sonnet.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI can only really echo what Frances has told you here - mainly that this is great. You balance your imagery nicely. It's tortured, but well controlled, and I like the inclusion of prayers and demons - rich stuff.
I also like how frank your language sounds - it's emotive, but not strained. I did think, though, that the line:
while I did bleed
sounds a bit old fashioned. It's the 'I did' that does it. To fit it with the rest of your voice, which is great, you could say 'while I bled out' maybe.
I also see what Frances means with the 'alone', but I think the not in 'Not me though' also throws the rythm off.
Picky bits, those. I think you should be dead proud of it. Happy halloween,
Andy
Wow, this is great. Very neatly written and great emotion. This really portrays the pain of love so well.
ReplyDeleteYou've nailed the structure. Your iambic pentameter is almost perfect. There are a few places it could be improved, like where the others have pointed out. Parts like 'OF dark' have the wrong words emphasised.
You've skillfully used words ending in -ed and -en to create some very smooth iambic pentameter. Nice one.
It's difficult when using such a very, very universal and widespread subject not to use cliche. For the most part, you have some great original images, but a couple of phrases are quite over-used, in my opinion, when it comes to writing about love and pain:
pain soon rips my soul
blinded by the pain
Sometimes understatement is more powerful than overstatment. Don't over-do the emotion too much, otherwise it paradoxically loses its power.
For me, these were by far the best lines:
The fiends of hell let loose in me; they prey
On love that’s true, enjoy its taste, it drips
And stains the floor with deep pools of dark red.
Absolutely AMAZING imagery and perfect structure. Loved it.
As mentioned before, the 'bleed' and 'red' didn't quite rhyme, but that's ok - I think it's better to have an almost rhyming word than to force a less suited word in there for the sake of structure. The rest of the rhyming is perfect.
I agree that 'I did bleed' sounds a bit old fashioned and slightly forced. I'm sure you could come up with a smoother phrase.
The sphinx is a great image. It implies power, beauty and danger, and fits perfectly with the enigmatic smile.
Why mention that the narrator is sitting on a chair, though? It seemed like a piece of irrelevant information, especially due to the emotional focus of the poem.
Loved the idea of falling into prayer. Fits very well with the hell/heaven aspect of love.
I didn't notice an octave/sestet attempt. Maybe next time you could have a go at this to push yourself a bit further.
In all, I loved this. Brilliant effort.
First, the areas for improvement…
ReplyDeleteLine 4: comma, not semi-colon
Line 5: second comma should be a semi-colon
Line 6: the rhythm slips a little in the second half – how about “with pools of deepest red”?
Line 7: part of me still loves the melodrama and archaism of this repetition; but part of me isn’t convinced by it. So, up to you to which ‘part’ you listen! :)
Line 8: “I did bleed”, whilst not incorrect, jars in its archaism.
Line 9: Whilst I know it serves your meter, I am not sure you can use “guile” as a verb here. ‘Beguile’ would be the verb; ‘guile’ is the noun… Also, a full stop is needed at the end of this line.
Line 10: I, too, am confused by what the chair has to do with this all. Also, “alone” is stressed wrongly.
Lines 11-13: Absolutely brilliant, in EVERY respect. Well done. (Perhaps pop a comma after “smile” though?
Line 14: A brilliant image, convincingly written. But the rhythm is somewhat awry in the first three feet.
All in all, though, this is intoxicating, intense writing, imbued with a gothic darkness which almost overwhelms the reader. The trouble with gothic fervour is that there is a fine line between intensity and excess, and that is one you need to tread carefully. Nonetheless, there are some fantastic moments in this, e.g. the list in Line 4; all your enjambement; and, as I have said already, the simply marvelous Lines 11-13! Well done you. :)