Part One
I thought this task was going to be ok,
Now I realise that that was a mistake.
Now I see that this is quite difficult
And this is going to take some of my time
Much more then I managed to put aside
But maybe this will teach me to rethink
The difficulty level of these tasks
And teach me to put more then this aside
The one way round this is to just revise
Iambic stuff I learnt awhile ago
So maybe this will help refresh my mind
So maybe I’ll learn to beat the deadline
And get ahead in all this metre stuff
Cause then I can put all of it aside
And spend sometime to concentrate on me
Instead of spending it all on my work
Plus this will help me in my future tasks
Learning the skill to be on perfect time
While still keeping sometime for me, myself
I’ll concentrate on my upcoming tasks
Part 2
Outside the Window
The sky above lets out an angry noise
Then heavens open then let out the rain.
What I’d like to eat
The Barbeque-ey taste stays in my mouth
Reminding me that pizza huts the way.
A recent Dream
I walked I tripped and then somehow I fell
Right into hell but I could not escape.
Annoying tasks overdue
The constant emailing that never stops
Familiar names that constantly crop up.
My Body
My skin, my face the parts I must accept
But flaws that I sometimes let lead the way.
Hi Shani, great start here.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have grasped iambic pentameter pretty well. I'm guessing from the content of your writing that you've studied it before!
I would suggest, though, to really try and thing whether or not you've got the emphasis on the right words. Some words naturally have less emphasis than others, and it's easy to force them into an unnatural rhythm.
Also, if you are struggling with the flow of your words (i.e. how much sense they make!) try re-shuffling them. Sometimes a different order is all it needs. For example:
'The Barbeque-ey taste stays in my mouth'
- ‘Barbeque-ey’ is a slightly clumsy phrase. You could rearrange this line: The taste of barbeque stays in my mouth.
Also:
'My skin, my face the parts I must accept
But flaws that I sometimes let lead the way.'
This doesn’t quite make sense. You could try re-arranging:
My skin, my face, are parts I must accept;
But sometimes I let my flaws lead the way.
Keep a close eye on the syllable count. Something I've learned recently is that in different regions, people pronounce words with different ammounts of syllables, so it's a tough area to judge! But, for example, in your first line you use the word 'going', which to me has two syllables, making your total syllable count for the line 11 instead of 10.
'Now I realise that that was a mistake.'
- This also has one too many syllables. Furthermore, two ‘that’s together, although often grammatically correct, sound and look a bit clumsy on the page. Also, ‘realise’ doesn’t sound quite right. This might sound better:
i RE-a-LISE that I made A mis-TAKE
Most of your lines are perfect! I like the way you've linked the theme of them to the task itself.
Some of your images are very nice. I especially liked your 'Outside the Window' couplet. The use of the word 'angry' here is very descriptive. You've manage to convey a storm without telling us it is a storm - this is a brilliant show of descriptive skill.
Overall I think you've done very well.
Hi Shani,
ReplyDeleteAs Sophie has pointed out, there are several imperfect metres here. You have the knowledge and ability to fix these with a little focus. Reading aloud, tapping along to the beat, even (as I've had to do when looking at this and other submissions) physically marking the individual syllables as you go along.
Most of the lines, however are strong so I know you'll be able to clean up the lines which aren't quite 'perfect.'
One brilliant line is "The difficulty level of these tasks."
"Difficulty" should be a, well, difficult word to use here; but you achieve it flawlessly. Remember that Shakespeare uses iambic pentameter because it often mimics natural speech. Perhaps, in some cases you were trying too hard to fit words into the metre.
I'm only guessing about that based on overall your theme, Time: the Time of metre and deadlines versus "And spend sometime to concentrate on me" (another metrically perfect yet difficult line). When things get pressurised, let your obvious natural ability loose and you'll produce many wonderful couplets like
"I walked and tripped and then somehow I fell/ Right into hell but I could not escape."
Rhyming (and, therefore, linking) "fell" with "Hell" in the middle of a line is a sophisticated technique. Just as the word is trapped in the middle of the line, the persona "I" "could not escape."
I anticipate many excellent lines and poems in the coming weeks.
pax
Shani,
ReplyDeleteYou’ve done a wonderful job here with finding the right amount of syllables for each line in this iambic assignment. It’s a hard skill, it’s easy to miscount, or to change content and meaning because you’re trying to stick to the structure, but you’ve done really well.
Sophie pointed out the imperfect iambic lines really well, so I’m not going to do the same. You know which ones you should work on, and hopefully, you see the potential and talent in the perfect lines. I enjoyed that you used this task as the focus of your poem. It’s pretty clear how you were feeling about it and I feel your pain. It also makes me wonder what we’ll see from you over the next couple of weeks. If your poems will be clear and to point, or if there will be hidden meaning behind your words.
I love A Recent Dream. I like that it rhymes (fell and hell, obviously) because repetition always helps emphasize the poem, and they’re two perfect words to be emphasized. Well done there.
A couple minor things. In Outside the Window, the second line, “Then heavens open then let out the rain”, repeats ‘then’ too often (okay, so only twice, but still). I think that replacing the second ‘then’ would make it flow a bit easier. With ‘and’ or ‘to’ would keep the meaning, but make it sharper. In What I’d Like to Eat, small grammar mistake with huts, it should be hut’s (I don’t know if you didn’t capitalize it on purpose, either). And in My Body, I agree with Sophie that the second line could be better worded.
But really, I think you’ve done a great job. I’m really impressed with how you handled the iambic pentameter portion of this assignment. I can’t wait to see more of your stuff, Shani.
Ever need anything with writing, or if you have any questions, let me know.
Genevieve
Part One
ReplyDeleteI really liked this piece of work, it was nice that you put your meter into a fluid poem, with a relevant topic! It will probably help you in the long run as well as it will show you how iambic pentameter works in a real context, rather than in single sentences. Be careful with your line length, it is a really simple improvement that will make a big difference to your work. It tends to make it easier to stick to a certain meter as well if you have a constant line length throughout the poem.
As people have already commented on a couple of the iambic flaws, I will just advise a quick way to omit a few of these mistakes. If you go through your work and catch sight of a word ending in ‘ing’, just double check that the stress falls on the first syllable of the word, rather than the second, as there are no circumstances that I know of where you should emphasise the ‘ing’ of a word of two syllables.
I like many of the phrases you have used, for example, “beat the deadline” and “on perfect time”. I hope to see more of your interesting word play in future work.
Part Two
Again, some interesting ideas here. I like the personification of the thunder in ‘outside the window’. I think ‘a recent dream’ is really nice, the enjambment is really effective, and the second line was really unexpected. I don’t think the word but is appropriate here though; I think it would have even more impact if you left it at “somehow I fell right into hell”. You could try bringing in caesura here, as a nice alternative to your “but I could not escape” would be “I fell right into hell. I could not escape.”
Apologies if I have repeated things from other people’s comments, overall I really liked your work and expect some really interesting work to come.