The glass will always be half full, despite
The fact that you are not here. Walk away
Because it's what you're good at. I was right:
So now that you're not here to sway or fray
Me anymore, I'll learn to fend for my-
Self. Days are brighter, clouds seem fuller, now
That you're not here decaying them. You lie
Your way through my defences, I say "Ciao."
I see the world through different eyes now. You
The criminal, you rocked my world and shook
It into millions of pieces. True,
My life will only improve. But you took
My heart and dipped it in your acid lies,
My optimism brought to its demise.
This sonnet is fantastic Eternity. Its so powerful and creates brilliant imagery such as your heart being "dipped" in "acid lies". Where does this come from. Its so interesting and i like the use of "ciao" lol. xx
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff. Bleak and great. I see that you've got a shift in tone there too - from optomistic to optomism killed. Great enjambement too.
Some picky bits:
The fact that you are not here
the 'are' goes out of rythm. You can keep it with 'you're' but then you lose the pentametre. A pickle, I know, but one I'm sure you're cool with.
Great work getting: it into millions of pieces, to fit the rythm. It's a violent but well placed image too.
Oh, one thing with the enjambement - the 'my-self' strethes the pentametre a bit cheekily. I like it, but at some point you're going to have to justify why a word is broken up. I'm not saying don't do it, cos it can link ideas in a cool way, of suggest something about the broken word (like a broken self, perhaps), but make sure you have a good argument for it.
Really well done - you've clearly grasped the requirements of the format well, and created something good. Take care, and happy halloween,
Andy
Hello there,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing 'Optimism' with us. It's obvious that you've worked really hard on it, and there are some lovely moments here. I love the 'Ciao' / 'now' rhyme! It feels really playful and fun - a lighter moment in a pretty bleak poem. And your final couplet is great, too. The stress pattern works really well. Well done!
These lines bother me: 'Me anymore, I'll learn to fend for my-/Self. Days are brighter, clouds seem fuller, now'. It seems that you're really straining to fit what you want to say into the sonnet form. It feels forced and unnatural. And surely 'self' should be stressed, not only because we place the emphasis on this syllable in the word 'myself', but because the whole poem seems to be about asserting identity and the independent self.
Good job, though. You clearly know what you're doing, and have the makings of a top-notch poet. Just try to make sure that you work *with* the form, rather than against it.
Helen
Thank you both for your encouraging comments!
ReplyDeleteHi Andy.
Thank you for pointing out some of the problems in my writing. :D I was trying really hard to get away with that 'self' (grins), but as Helen said, I think it's just me trying to work my writing around the meter instead of the other way around. XD It's just me. I'll learn to fix it in time. Happy Halloween to you too, despite the fact that it's November. :p
(I like the 'millions of pieces' bit too ^^)
Hey Helen.
You've spotted the reacurring flaw in my writing, and thank you. :) I've had this trouble before and I'm sure I'll be able to find a way to stop doing it. XD I suppose I just find it easier to do that instead of really finding a way to adapt my writing. And, I'm very happy and honoured to share my writing with everyone, I'm glad that you enjoyed it. ^^
Much appreciated,
E. ^^
Great stuff as usual.
ReplyDeleteFirst, however, a couple of awry word choices: not sure “fray” can be used transitively (i.e. you can’t really ‘fray’ something else), and the same goes for “decaying”; as the others have pointed out, splitting ‘my-self’ doesn’t really work; and, unlike Jaffacake, I am unconvinced by ‘ciao’ as anything more than slavishness to the rhyme scheme.
As for your meter, much of which has been pointed out already, there are problems with:
Line 1 (“be”); Lines 5/6 (the whole “my-self” thing); and Line 12 (“improve”). But the rest is brilliant.
Lastly, your enjambement and caesura are largely expertly done, and leave me very excited indeed about what you will do for Task 31.
Well done, as ever! :)