Darkness encloses as I write this
Its inky blackness overwhelms me
Creatures skulk around its edges
Shadows dance to and fro along the walls
The moon shining bright in the sky
Stars gather in clusters and shapes
Making pictures I can’t make out
I marvel at a passing shooting star
Speeding beyond the confines of my window
I wish I was like that shooting star
Free to stop and start when I wish
Through my window I can see Canary Wharf
It’s tiny light blinking on and off
A typical London night; as noisy as day
Cars and buses rumble loudly down the main road
In the pitch black trees look grotesque
All gnarled, crooked and withered.
The rare person scurrying home to get to some sleep
A clock chimes as it strikes the midnight hour.
It’s late now so I think it’s time for bed.
Outside the window
The sun rises. In the east
I watch it through my window.
What I’d like to eat
Boy am I hungry. I could murder
Five bars of choclate in ten seconds flat.
A Recent Dream
Thrashing wildly about. Cold sweat rushes
From my pores. I wake screaming.
Annoying Tasks Overdue
This was meant to be finished
Yesterday. I truly am sorry.
My body
My body has a secret. But I’m not going to tell you
Because if I did it wouldn’t be a secret.
Hi there! From a first glance your work seems really original and creative, so i'm looking forward to reading your work :)
ReplyDeletePART ONE
You seem to be really confident using iambic pentameter, the first few are excellent, really creative as well 'inky blackness', it's a beautiful image. unfortunatly i'm going to have to query 'creatures skulk' because this isn't quite right with the stress patterns.
"making pictures.." starts really well, but unfortunatly 'can't make out' are similarly stressed, so the ending fails it a bit.
i love the line 'i marvel at ...' it's perfectly iambic, it's really creative as well.
the next line i have to catch you out on is the one starting 'free to', i think that the free is more stressed than 'to' and therefore this may put your iambs out for the rest of the sentence.
'its tiny light...' is wonderfully onomatopoeic, i love this sentence.
"A typical...." has a lovely use of caesura. the only thing i might query is that it's more than 5 feet!
"cars..." is again a heavy stress starting the sentence so this one doesn't quite work either, if you put 'The' it will be fine
'all gnarled' is wonderful original, however there are a few heavy stresses after each other so not iambic i'm afraid!
these are all lovely original, thoughtful sentences. you seem really confident with the task at hand, but there are still a few errors and unfortunatly at times you overrun the set 'pentameter' meaning five feet, in the last few you tend to go over by a few syllables, but despite this they're perfect. you really should be proud of yourself for these
PART TWO
these are all fine, i particularly like the one about a recent dream, the enjambement works really well here, i think in the first one this isn't as clear. you use caesura really confidently, especially in the dream one, the use of fullstops shows the pace of the dream and actions being described. Also, in overdue tasks, the caesura makes you seem even more sincere (and tsk at being overdue!)
Finally, your final couplet makes wonderful use of both caesura and enjambement, as is really original as well. you don't seem to have a problem using these devices at all, i'm really impressed, well done!
Hi Grim_Reaper,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you've tried hard with this task, but unfortunately you haven't quite grasped the iambic pentameter yet. Remember that each line must have five feet, which in this task would equate to ten syllables as it's a U/ U/ U/ U/ U/ pattern. Your syllable count per line ranges from seven to fifteen; not iambic pentameter I'm afraid.
Line two works with the stresses "its INKy BLACKness OVERwhelms ME", , it flows naturally and the stresses fall on the important words, but you only four and a half feet. I love this image though. I would recommend rereading each line and counting on your fingers.
One line that works really well in line 8: "i MARvel AT a PASSing SHOOting STAR". You've got five complete feet, awesome, and the stresses flow naturally and fall on the good parts of the words. Super. This is my favourite line from Part 1.
You've got some great imagery though, I like it.
In Part 2, your problems with the iambic pentameter continue I'm afraid, but you have a good grasp on the caesura and enjambement.
My favourite couplet is 'What I'd like to eat'. The first line is a syllable short to be iambic pentameter, but the second line has ten, hooray, and the stresses are good too. But the real reason I love this couplet is because of your use of caesura and enjambement. The first line is a little bit dark and ambiguous because of the full stop after 'hungry' and the way you leave 'murder' hanging before sweeping in with the chocolate. Awesome, I love it. Just keep counting the iambic pentameter on your fingers!
Frankie
Hey Grim_Reaper,
ReplyDeleteI love the images you’ve created with some of these lines. They’re unique and creative and I can tell already you’ve got some great talent. I think one of my favourite lines in part one is the first – “Darkness encloses as I write this /Its inky blackness overwhelms me” because you’ve linked writing the poem, to the inky blackness of the night. Instead of using a typical description of black, you’ve made it personal and pulled together two ideas – nice work! I love too, this idea of wishing to be like a shooting star (line 10). Obviously, you’re meant to wish on a shooting star, and to wish to become one, for others to be able to wish, is very cool. Don’t stop writing lines like those.
I see though, that iambic pentameter was a bit hard to totally master. Don’t worry, it’s a tricky rhythm to use – I’ve been trying them for years, and still have to drum out my fingers against a table.
These are the lines that fit the iambic rhythm
4) Shadows dance to and fro along the walls
8) I marvel at a passing shooting star
19) A clock chimes as it strikes the midnight hour.
20) It’s late now so I think it’s time for bed.
Not only do these lines fit, but “Shadows dance…” and “I marvel at a passing shooting star” are lovely. In “Shadows dance…” “to” and “fro” is the perfect description, it’s really as if there is a waltz of some sort across your wall.
Remember, and I know this has been said in previous comments, but iambic consists of ten beats, or counts - duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH. Make sure you’ve stressed the right part of the word. These things should be relatively easy to correct – but if you do, it may seem challenging to change syllable count without changing the mood and tone of the poem. Try it out, see how it goes for you.
In these lines, you’ve used too many syllables:
9) Speeding beyond the confines of my window
12) Through my window I can see Canary Wharf
14) A typical London night; as noisy as day
15) Cars and buses rumble loudly down the main road
18) The rare person scurrying home to get to some sleep
Again, just work on trying to get the syllables to 10. Cut words, add words etc. Otherwise Grim, you’ve really got some skill. Be proud of this poem, but try to master iambic. Use lines 4,8,19 and 20 as guides – they’re perfect!
Wow, that’s a lot of reading just for part one. But, on to part two.
I love how you’ve split up sentences. Right now, I’m working to master the most effective ways of doing so, and you’ve got great sentences right here! I admire the courage with both these poems, but this one especially.
“I could murder/five bars of chocolate”, if you’re going for a bit of a cliff-hanger and sudden interest, you’ve accomplished it. Wonderful how you’ve left it at murder and then sweep us over to chocolate, well done. One thing I’d say for the next couple lines if you want to be slightly more original, find other words for “cold sweat” – it’s commonly used. Though it has a strong image, it’s strong because we’ve seen it written before.
“My body/my body has a secret”, great sort of closing lines. I wish the poem wouldn’t just end with that; it’s too open ended, but works as a wonderful conclusion.
If you were going for iambic in this one too (which it didn’t look like) then it doesn’t really match up. But I’m not sure part two was meant for that.
So, overall, great work Grim Reaper. I so look forward to reading more of your stuff. I’m very impressed!
Genevieve
(One thing quickly – there’s been a typo in chocolate!)