Melissa saw a huge and hazel eye
To cast a massive role in four plays
I need to be a good mistress very fast
Lots of pedestrians throw litter
William Shakespeare wrote lots of plays
I hate to be the first person at the cinema
Friends that you can trust and keep can turn
My family is fun but boring for some
The trout was more familiar with more fish food
A rather large tortoise came behind me
It's wings viciously swoops above my skull
His lashes can curl up higher than his
The five children could not figure out the sum
The Witch couldn't cast a spell on her properly
If only she was more confident
It's time to focus more on working now
The beach gets really crowded so wait now
The sound is loud i think you should turn it down
The lap top would not turn on for the man
Please can you come park with us lot now
1 Outside the window
The rain cries.It's drops droops low.
Like depressed women in a symmetry. I sympathise.
2 What I like to eat.
No pepper in Grenada. Instead
They Have Plantain it's heavenly
3 A Recent Dream
It was terrifying. Full of fear
Me fearful of the truth that hurts
4 Annoying tasks overdue
The flo was to difficult
I guess its going to be a detention
5 My Body
The stomach turned inside out
Butterflies.Itching Inside of me.
Hi there, bubaah.
ReplyDeleteThis task seemed to prove a little tough for you. How did you find it?
You did manage to write some lines in perfect iambic pentameter.
These are some of your best ones:
Lots of pedestrians throw litter – great use of polysyllabic words here, but you've only got nine syllables in total and you need ten.
A rather large tortoise came behind me - perfect
It's wings viciously swoops above my skull - brilliant, great image too.
His lashes can curl up higher than his - good
It's time to focus more on working now - perfect
The beach gets really crowded so wait now - good
The lap top would not turn on for the man - perfect
So, I know you can do it! However, your biggest problem seems to be your syllable count. Lines in iambic pentameter must have TEN syllables in each line. Many of yours have too many or too few. For example:
I hate to be the first person at the cinema
(I hate to be the first per-son at the cin-e-ma) = 13
The flo was to difficult
(The flow was too diff-i-cult) = 7
I find it helps to read back the line you have written, and count the syllables on my fingers. This way you can focus on the words and not have to worry about remembering how many syllables you've done.
Remember that syllables are not just how many words there are.
Once you've worked out the right ammount of syllables, you've got to keep a close eye on the EMPHASIS of those syllables. Remember that with iambic pentameter you start with an unstressed syllable and carry on alternativing between stressed and unstressed.
Just like you've done here:
it's TIME to FO-cus MORE on WOR-king NOW
You obviously have a very imaginative mind. This reflects in the things you've written about.
Some of it is quite abstract:
'Like depressed women in a symmetry'
I have no idea what this means! But it sounds very poetic.
Really liked the idea of butterflies 'itching' inside your stomach. Very descriptive.
So, I think the main thing you need to focus on here is getting your syllables right. If you can grasp the basics, I'm sure the rest will come much more easily. You've managed to write quite a few perfect lines of iambic pentameter, so you can definately do it! Just focus a little more - it's not an easy task!
Hi Bubbah,
ReplyDeleteThis is a challenging task, and I can see that if you work on this more you have much potential in mastering the tricky and demanding rules of iambic pentameter. The exciting thing about using this form is that the ways in which you can express things have many possibilities within a set of rules, and can, arguably, give the poet a greater freedom.
From reading these I notice that at fragments at a time you grasp the rules and the demands of the meter, but perhaps the difficulty arises when the need to express what is really felt slips in and then gives way to an expression that moves away from these rules...?
A line might kick off nicely - within the restrictions - but then it falls away at the end, when the needs of what, perhaps, you want to express, takes over. Or vice versa - a line ends well but it's beginning isn't within the meter.
e.g-
'A rather large tortoise came behind me/Its wings viciously swoops above my skull.'
The first part works well, but the end of 'viciously' is stressed as is 'swoops.'Though I did enjoy the surreal and original qualities of these images.
In the second stage you use caesura effectively, in the first two lines
'Like depressed women in a symmetry. I sympathise.'
'I sympathise' seems to act as an aside, which I liked.
In the second stanza enjambment is used particularly well.
'Instead/They have Plantain its heavenly.'
Keep going with it, you have a lot of potential, and it is something that will get easier the more you practice.
Liz
Hello,
ReplyDeleteAs the third person to comment on your work, I'll try not to repeat anything, apologies if I do!
I'll agree with Sophie and Liz and say that you've tried hard but not quite grasped it. But keep going, because it will get easier!
I like some of the images you've used, the couple for 'My Body' is great, that is what butterflies feel like, but the enjambement is a off, as 'turned inside out/butterflies' makes no grammatical sense. This is something you can work on for next time, as with other lines you've got it bang on, like with 'What I like to eat'.
You've got lots of creativity, keep it up, and the rest will come with practice :o)
Frankie
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI'll keep this short as the others' comments are very thorough and helpful! You've put effort into this, and it shows - particularly in the imagery, much of which is lovely. The rhythm isn't quite there, but the way to fix that is with practice :). I know the only way I can fix problems with rhythm when I'm writing poetry is to read the lines aloud - I find this will immediately flag up any problems, because it simply won't sound right.
Well done, though - and with practice, you'll soon be writing perfect iambic verse all the time!
Cheers,
Penny