Task 29
Part 1
1. The Sweet smell of Cooking food on Sunday
2. The shouting of school children on Monday
3. The kicking of a football Tuesday
4. All those things to come on hump day, Wednesday
5. Now we're getting closer to the end of the week
6. Friday is here thank goodness for all of that
7. Saturday is the day for having fun
8. Now we will begin at January
9. February the cold breeze on my neck
10. This month will make me smile spring is here, March
11. Easter, a time to celebrate in April
12. Baby lambs are rearing their heads, it's may,
13. June, the sweet fragrance of blossomed flowers
14. The end on school is near get ready, July
15. August, the heart of ,summer enjoy it
16. September school starts iambics to write
17. October this weather is getting cold
18. November has, hail, sleet, rain and snow
19. December decorate the Christmas tree
20. All these months will repeat themselves again.
Part 2
1. Outside the window
a flock of frozen passersby,crowded around
a scene of horror. A pool of blood.
2. What I'd like to eat
A mouth-watering piece of chocolate
that will go on and on, it is just so nice.
3. A recent dream
It Scared me to death; an eerie silhouette
that should have been on a horror programme.
4. Annoying task overdue
Oh no. This can't be true, it's
late again just one more day!
5. My Body
Its like a temple, just waiting
to be prayed in. Lets keep it going.
Hi there, Nika.
ReplyDeleteNot a bad attempt. It was interesting how you have tried to challenge yourself by linking your lines with months and days of the week, however perhaps this hindered you a little by focusing too much on the content of your lines rather than the rhythms. You've got a few perfect lines in iambic pentameter, but you've got a few problems with some of the other lines.
These ones were really good:
Saturday is the day for having fun
June, the sweet fragrance of blossomed flowers
August, the heart of ,summer enjoy it
September school starts iambics to write
October this weather is getting cold
November has, hail, sleet, rain and snow
December decorate the Christmas tree
These are all great, so well done!
The problems you had are very similar to problems some of the other students had too, so you're not alone. The first thing is to remember that iambic pentameter has ten beats in the line. Many of your lines fall too short of this, and some go a little over, like these ones:
Now we're getting closer to the end of the week (12)
a flock of frozen passersby,crowded around (12)
Oh no. This can't be true, it's (7)
late again just one more day! (7)
The other thing you have to look out for is the stressed and unstressed syllables. Iambic pentameter should sound like this:
dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM
Here's a line where you've done this perfectly:
oct-TO-ber THIS wea-THER is GET-ting COLD
So well done for managing that! However there are quite a few lines where the rhythm doesn't quite fit. For example:
it SCARED me TO death; AN ee-RIE sil-HOU-ette
Firstly this line has 11 syllables. The first half works fine, but after the semi-colon the stresses seem unnaturally reversed, i.e. it seems more natural to say 'an EE-rie'.
Sometimes, all you need is a little bit of editing. For example:
a flock of frozen passersby,crowded around
This line has twelve syllables, but the rhythms are perfect. Solution? Take out a word! You can get away with removing 'crowded'.
Your writing is full of vivid imagery, which is great. I especially loved the 'flock of frozen passersby' - that is an awesome piece of description.
On the whole you've done really well, you just need a bit of tweaking!
Hi Nika,
ReplyDeleteThe way in which the first section comes together reminds me of the Romantic poets with their preoccupations with nature, the seasons, and time passing. All of this is rich for poetical inspiration and I like the associations you make and the sense of unity you created which is all ambitious and good to see. The only problem would be that some of the lines fall a bit short of the rules, with stressed syllables being placed in positions which jar occasionally. 'The kicking of a football Tuesday.'
With further drafting and reworking I think you'll get the hang of it. The more you write within these rules, the more you'll progress...
There are some great images, such as the frozen passers by and the silhouette. I liked the way you used both enjambment and caesura effectively in this part.
Keep going at it, lots of poetical potential here!
Liz
Hey Nika,
ReplyDeleteTo start, you’ve got some really beautiful and imaginative lines. As been said before, “a flock of frozen passersby” in part two is really good. You have the double ‘f’ even if it repeated by the ‘of’, which immediately allows it to flow, and the repetition of sound is effective. And I love the use of flock to describe the people, it creates an image different of if you had used crowd, swarm, etc. Also, in “My Body”, “It’s like a temple, just waiting/ to be prayed in” is a wonderful line; the cutoff in the middle of the sentence is effective. It’s sometimes hard to figure out when you should use that technique, and I think you mastered it there. Very, very well done!
I really like the pattern that you follow, with days and months/seasons of the year. I thought it was creative and interesting, but I’ve always found that sticking to a structured idea like that in poetry, can be quite challenging. You find yourself having to stay within the structure, and it can sometimes hinder the flow or meaning of your poem. I loved how you experimented with this, really, good for you. And remember, some of the best poetry just comes without any restrictions!
Like many others, because it’s a difficult technique, the iambic pentameter in part one seems to have been a bit of a challenge. I won’t repeat the rules of iambic rhythm, but it is tricky, but if you look on it again, count out the syllables in your head or even with something to make the noise of a stress, then I’m sure you’ll get it. There are a few sentences that fall short of 10 stresses, and a few that go over.
One final thing, a typo in one sentence. You’ve used “may” when it should be capitalized to become May. Easy to do when spell check won’t correct it!
Let me know if there’s anything in particular you are curious about or if you re-write it and want to see if the iambic is right…anything!
Genevieve
Thank you for the comments everyone, the main reason for me falling short of over runnig the line structure is because iambic pentameters aren't my strong point. I never really understood it. I would be very gratefully if any of you to explain how the iambics actually works in layman terms please
ReplyDeleteHey Nika,
ReplyDeleteIambic Pentameter sounds scary, but once you get your head round it and get past all the confusing terminology, it's quite a simple concept.
Simply put, 'Iambic' refers to the type of stresses on the word. In this case, the rhthm is created by following the natural stresses of certain words that fall into the pattern of unstressed/stressed:
de-DUM
That is one iam.
'Pentameter' means that there are five of these ('pent' meaning five, like in the shape 'pentagon')
So we get:
de-DUM de-DUM de-DUM de-DUM de-DUM
But what the hell does that mean?
When you say a word, you naturally stress parts of it. For example, we say ENG-lish, not eng-LISH. Likewise, with one-syllable words, we stress some and not others:
the CLOUD is WHITE
Then it's just a matter of fitting these natural rhythms into the prescribed form of the iambic pentameter. It's best to keep exagerating the rhythm in your head (or out loud) as you experiment with it. Don't think too hard about it. After all, it is meant to be a close immitation of speech.
Wiki has quite a nice break down of it if you want to have a read of that article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter
Does this help at all?
Sophie x
Hi, Nika,
ReplyDeleteIn case this helps, I'll share with you the way I learned the difference between stressed and unstressed syllables. My teacher told everyone to place a hand under their chin so that we could feel the way our mouths move as we speak. Then she asked us to say words outloud to ourselves (for example, 'miracle' and 'potato'). Afterward, she would ask us which syllable we thought was stressed. The way you can tell with this technique is that your mouth is usually the most open when you say a stressed syllable. So, whenever we felt our mouth open the widest, or whenever we felt our chin push down on our hands the most, we knew it was the stressed syllable.
Example: take the word 'miracle.' If you're doing this excercise right, you should feel your hand move most on the first syllable: MI-ra-cle. For the word 'potato,' you should feel this happen on the second syllable: po-TA-to.
Please let me know if this explanation is unclear.
I also would like to congratulate you on your intuitive use of enjambment and caesura. It can be a challenge sometimes to allow lines to flow into one another. I know that when I first began writing poetry, I wrote each line as one complete sentence, and sometimes it's hard to let go of the midset that a line of poetry ought to be a solitary, self-contained thing. But the way you allow your lines to flow into one another in your second excercise seems very natural.
I would like to offer one piece of advice in terms of enjambment. Being aware of enjambment can have a very powerful, positive effect on poetry writing, because it forces you to think about where to end a line, since you're not just ending it with a full stop. The last word in a line of poetry is a powerful word indeed, because at the line break your reader pauses for a fraction of a second as their eyes drift down to the next line. Therefore, readers' thoughts naturally linger on the last word in a line of poetry. Because of this, poets who specialize in good enjambment are careful to choose end-line words that emphasize the mood that they want to convey, or are powerful, concrete images. You did this very well in example 3 of part 2. You see how the last word of your first line is 'silhouette?' This is a very strong word to end a line of poetry on, because it is concrete and certain feelings and ideas are attached to it. This strength could be emphasized by also working with the last word of line 2 so that it too emphasizes the mood of the poem. If you take a look at example 4 of part 2, you chose to end the first line on the word 'it's.' This is a weaker word to end a line of poetry on, while example 5 again does it well,, ending the first line on 'waiting.'
Mind you, I wouldn't recommend stressing out over enjambment when you're drafting a poem for the first time. End-line words can always be changed, and I would suggest paying attention to them during revision.
I think you can be very proud of what you've experimented with in this excercise. Writing is a constant learning experience, and I feel that you'll probably learn a lot from having done this one. Please let me know if you need me to clarify anything I mentioned.
Haha, Maria, that is a GREAT method for working out the stresses in words. (I just tried it!)
ReplyDeleteAnd I also agree with everything you've said about the last word in a line of poetry.
Thank you for all your help! =]
ReplyDeleteHey Nika
ReplyDeleteYour work is wonderful. i like the way you have chosen the days of the week and the months of the year as the subject for your poem. =)
Anyway lets get to the main part..
Part One:
At some points you havent got the ten syllables needed, you've either got too many or too less. A basic way to sort out this problem is to reread your work and check the syllables properly.
'Now we're getting closer to the end of the week' - this line has two extra syllables.
Part Two:
I really like what you have written for a recent dream.
ee-RIE sil-HOU-ette
Great Rhythm!!
Again for 'what I'd like to eat' you have used 11 syllables for the second line.
Dont worry though you'll eventually get the hang of it.
the best way to understand iambic pentameter is to keep practicing until it gets in your head clearly
Keep Trying..!
Don't Worry..!
Xx ClOuD xX
Hey Nika
ReplyDeleteI really liked the content of your poems( using days of the week and months etc)and I really liked a recent dream in part 2.
Good effort and with a bit more practise I definitely think you can improve on your iambic pentameter since you went off a bit.