I look up but to see, a darkness, when
I wake up. Where all association
with life is dead. My love for him back then
was stronger than God's own fine creation.
I dream of days where all is unperfect,
Then wake up to find that dreams do come true.
My golden age came to an end; so wrecked.
Where ships may sink so deep into the blue,
Where fairy tales remain undiscovered,
legends, and myths remain myths, in which I
strive to find an answer; Is truth covered?
My mind, body and soul all gone may try
to escape from life wondering on why
he tried to make a blue girl like me cry.
hey,
ReplyDeletethis is such a fantastic sonnet as i interpret sonnets to be quite old fashioned and using the rule of three (myths, legends and fairy tales) it really reminds me of that. Its so unique, original and interesting, well done :) xx
Hi sugadust! Thanks very much for letting me read and comment on your poem. In terms of the sonnet form, you’ve got the most obvious thing absolutely spot on: rhyme. There’s some really good use of rhyme here – rhymes that are there for a real effective reason, not just to fit with some arbitrary form. ‘Association’ is a fairly neutral word – is ‘association / with life’ something good? – but rhymed with ‘fine creation’ makes it, to my mind, gain positive value, and strengthens the sense of what is lost to the narrator. ‘True’ and ‘blue’ is a good rhyme, because the two are so obviously a pair (true blue) and together reflect on and strengthen each other’s meanings. There’s other pairings that are similarly cosy; ‘undiscovered’ and ‘covered’, ‘wrecked’ and ‘unperfect.’
ReplyDeleteIn terms of iambic pentameter, there are some good, well-balanced lines (a couple, for example, are lines 7 and 8) However, it could still do with some work. You can write in iambic pentameter – but read back over your work (preferably aloud) to check that your stresses are all okay. For example, line 2 wants to be read as ‘I wake UP,’ on line 4 ‘God’s’ wants to be stressed, and line 10 reads as ‘re-MAIN MYTHS’.
There are a couple of grammatical errors to look out for. First up, the punctuation on line 1 is jarring – not something you want on your first line. The (over-simplified!) rule I was taught is that if you take the bit in between commas out of the sentence the sentence should still makes sense. On line 5, ‘unperfect’ should be ‘imperfect’ – and as you’re talking about ‘back then’ in this line and line 6, they should probably be in past tense.
I’ve already covered some of the content of your verse when I looked at your use of rhyme. Of course, that’s why form is so important – it can strengthen or reflect on or work as a counterpoint to your content, but form and content should be inextricably connected. You’re already starting to grasp this – and it can take a long time with some people, so very good work. I like the jaded use of fairy stories – it suggests love or dreams are part of a mythic ‘golden age’, and detached from reality. Very much the view of a pessimist, so you’ve nailed your titular emotion! The use of IMAGES to illustrate this point (e.g. the sinking ships) is particularly finely done. The final three lines, with their shift out of metaphor but into abstractions, and with the slightly clunky grammar (‘wondering on why’) do lead to a slightly underwhelming conclusion, but all in all this is a good, stylish piece of work. Keep at it!
Thank you so much for your comments :D and thank you sarah c also - i see what you mean about the 'slightly clunky grammar' so i will use your suggestions to edit my work.. thanks a lot :)
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks 2 jaffacake, im glad you noticed the rule of 3 technique! :P xx
ShoegarDusht :P
ReplyDeleteLOL
Im glad you enjoyed mine :P.. specially my theme :)... lolll
i liked yours :P i lykd da way it ended... the last two lines were good...
erm... he "tried" to make a blue girl cry? ... ?
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSome lovely imagery - you play well with the fairytale/myth idea here. Lines 1, 3, 7, 8 and 14 are perfectly iambic, too, but the other lines need working on for the rhythm: see how the stresses lie in "where FAIRy TALES reMAIN UNdisCOVered"? You have the two stresses next to each other there with "-MAIN" and "UN-". It's rather more over-the-top, but see how something like "where FAIRy TALES reMAIN a MYSTerY" works better iambically?
Just read the poem aloud to yourself and mark down which parts of the words are stressed - it'll really highlight any problems for you straightaway.
Very good effort, though, and as I say, this is a really nice poem. Well done.
Penny
Hey Sugadust,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, sorry this comment is a little late. I’ve had essays due in.
Secondly, this is a really amazing piece of poetry. The beginning isn’t as strong as the end, but it is generally a really fierce piece of writing. I don’t feel the part about the man you love is needed, or fits particularly with the poem. There are so many things I love about this poem, the reference to myths, legends and fairytales being particularly clever, as you suggest that in life there is no way of actually gaining the perfect fairytale ending. I like the way the fictional stories are representative of the real world. I also love the phrase “blue girl”; it has a ring to it, as well as the connotations of someone upset. It is a very pessimistic poem, and it is clear without you having to title it “pessimism”. You’ve managed to grasp iambic pentameter most of the time, and your rhyming scheme is perfect. I love the half rhyme of “unperfect” and “wrecked” although the word is IMperfect… confusing I know. You might want to check some of the iambic pentameters... reading them out loud as you write them will help to understand if they are working.
Well done!
Kat