A scarlet storm clouds over my plump cheeks,
An angry red on a canvas of white,
Cold, my hands shake, they're sweaty and I'm weak,
I try to look calm, yet my muscles tight.
You have made anger, you have made me hurt,
You know you've punctured all my self-respect,
I'm centre of attention, I'm overt,
Talk my way out, alas with weak interlect.
I thank you. Look at me, I'm publics fool,
I look around, no one comes to my aid,
Right about now, I am two inches tall,
Now please forget all the trouble that's been made.
From red to pink to scarlet, I'm ashamed,
My emotion, embarassment is named.
i LOVE this!! youve made the content of ur sonnet fit so well with the theme of your sonnet... i think you did really well with that - good on you :)
ReplyDelete"A scarlet storm" i really loved that metaphor and immediately I knew you were talking about the reddening of someones cheeks blushing - which again is great imagary for your chosen themse.
your metaphors are great and link together really well... i really like this piece!!!! well doneeeee!! :D
btw i like how u made 'embarasment' stand out by highlighting it in red. very effective :)
Hi Jaffacake,
ReplyDeleteReally nice imagery in the beginning of the poem. I agree with sugadust - "scarlet storm" is awesome. As the poem continues, however, the images become a little more scarce. Perhaps when you're revising, it'd be fun to see what other images you can use.
Remember: when dealing with images, you are not just dealing with the sensation of sight. You are dealing with sound, touch, taste, and smell. Being aware of this will help you to develop your usage of images in poems.
The iambic pentameter is nearly there. Most lines have the correct number of syllables - now you just need to practice working with stressed and unstressed syllables. Here is a line taken from your poem that is perfect iambic pentameter:
"You know you've punctured all my self-respect"
Perfect. Read it out loud to yourself. Do you hear the rhythm?
you KNOW you've PUNCtured ALL my SELF reSPECT
Compare the rhythm of this line to this one:
"Now please forget all the trouble that's been made"
now PLEASE forGET ALL the TROUble THAT'S been MADE
See how you have two stressed syllables in a row? "forget all" forGET ALL
You want to keep the alternating rhythm going in imabic pentameter. You have the correct number of syllables here, but if read in a stressed-unstresed rhythm, it sounds unnatural.
Good work! Keep it up.
Maria
Hey Jaffacake!
ReplyDeleteI think imagery is definitely one of your strong points. I loved the line; “an angry red on a canvas of white”. The use of the well known “two inches tall” reference works really well in informing the reader what emotion you are portraying. As a reader I don’t feel you needed to tell us (in the title or in the last line) what the poem was about. It is clear you are talking about embarrassment. I agree with Maria, it is a shame that all the powerful imagery appears in the first part of the poem, but isn’t present in the rest of it. Perhaps try thinking of some other ways of describing embarrassment.
Unfortunately you still don’t seem to have the hang of iambic pentameter. Don’t worry, I still find it hard. You might want to check over some of your lines, such as:
COLD my HANDS shake, THEY’RE sweaTY and I’M weak
See this isn’t iamb, as it is more DUM-dee, than dee-DUM
It really is just a matter of practice. Try reading it out load to yourself… it may seem a little crazy, but you do tend to be able to hear better. Poetry is meant for listening to after all.
Really good start though don’t be disheartened!
Kat
Hello again, I found this poem very refreshing, as 'love' is an obvious emotion to tackle due to the intensity of it and the challenge of tackling a much-used subject from a unique angle. 'Embarrassment', however, is possibly not the first emotion that springs to mind due to it lacking the life-consuming qualities of love. However, embarrassment is not only more common, but is most certainly moment-consuming, at least, and for that moment is easily as potent and intense as love. Indeed I read your poem as something of a defence of the power of embarrassment, as the expansive nature of your imagery, and the intensity of your rhetoric, is easily as potent as many a love poem. Obviously I can only agree with previous comments of your first two lines being your strongest; the imagery is absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the rest of your poem, the fact that the imagery starts to dry up is certainly an issue, but I think the issue lies more with where you've put your imagery in the first place. It is the fact that all of your imagery is in the one place, at the very beginning, that calls attention to itself, as your opening lines proclaim the poem to be one of intense imagery and metaphor when it isn't. But the point is that it doesn't necessarily need to be. The melodrama of the later sections of the poem is very entertaining but the power of your poem would be strengthened if your more metaphorical phrases of imagery were integrated throughout the poem rather than just at the beginning.
Your grip on iambic pentameter is still an issue but it is certainly an improvement over your last poem, and indeed this poem is generally an improvement, as this poem retains your evident playful wit, but is structured much more cohesively, and is definitely a more mature poem as a result. In fact I think you respond very well to the discipline of a rigid structure like a sonnet as I feel it brings a healthy contention to the more flexible expansiveness of your subject matter. Therefore I would urge you to really work on your iambic pentameter for task 31 as I think the obvious potential of your writing will benefit immensely,
Well done again,
Eoghan 'burning midnight oil' Lavery
I’ll go through this line by line, if that’s OK?
ReplyDelete1. I love the imagery here – brilliant stuff; my only quibble would be the stress on MY as opposed to PLUMP.
2. Again, BRILLIANT imagery – but, again, it is an iambic stumble which mars it slightly: “on A canvas”?
3. Another great line – and another iambic slip: “Cold, MY hands SHAKE”
4. “Tight” is an adjective and not a verb, and so needs to be used as such – and I can’t help thinking “calm” needed stressing.
5. “have made” seems to be stressed wrongly, but the second half of the line is great!
6. Wow! This is simply wonderful.
7. I think the first phrase is lacking a “the”, even though that would then cause you metrical problems…
8. Not sure the syntax here makes sense; what does it mean? Also, “alas” seems a bit old-fashioned, don’t you think? (And your final word is spelt wrongly.)
9. Not sure who you are thanking or what for – and “public’s” needs a “the”, I reckon (although you would then need to sort out the metrical problems).
10. This is good, but “no one” is stressed wrongly.
11. Starts with three trochees (i.e. DUM-dee) before the final two iambs…
12. Lose the “all” and this will work.
13. Brilliant! :)
14. A good finish – although “emotion” is stressed wrongly.
Overall, your rhyme scheme is strong, as is your structure; but there is much more room for experimenting with enjambement and caesura…
hiya everyone
ReplyDeletethank you for your comments
im sorry for the lack of feedback i have given and im definitely going to work on that especially as all of you express what you like about my work and give really helpful advice.
I will definitely try to work on creating better imagery because i find that really interesting to describe. Im also going to try much harder at getting the stresses corrected.
Thanks again,
jaffer xx