a jade surounding, smokey,dusty air
inhale the smoke, be trapped and feel the mist
a covering, uneven fatal snare
just swallow pain and you will get the gist
i longed, i hoped, my logic cast aside
each string was plucked with slinky, green aplomb
the monster turns it smothers me, it writhes
my sister sense, well she was truly gone
my purpose was to see what was not mine
it gave me fuel, momentum, space to breathe
my love for this it was both dumb and blind
intrinsic to myself like sword and sheathe
my toxic lungs, the swamp of misery
the fish that swim they masticate my heart
it bleeds flourescent green, the puddles form
in each one is reflected, jealous storms.
Hi Naboo,
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I'm very impressed with this. I really like the way that you personify the idea of sense in this poem, turning it into an absent sister, and I love the fact that this short piece is so rich in beautiful images. It makes for a very sensual reading experience, even if the images do have to compete for the reader's attention!
Your rhymes are really imaginative, too. I liked 'breathe / sheathe' because it felt unusual without being forced. That's a wonderful skill.
The only thing I might add to Sophie's comments is that you could perhaps play around with the form of your lines a little more. Try using caesura and enjambment to make the sonnet a little less regimented. it would be nice to have some variation.
Otherwise, well done!
Helen
Hello Naboo, I very much enjoyed reading a poem so rich in expansive imagery. Indeed I think you chose a emotion which suits your style beautifully, and indeed your style mirrors the sentiment consistently throughout. In the same manner that Angel K's style of short, sharp, piercing end-stopped lines and caesuras perfectly portray the alienation of unrequited love, your lurid crescendo of metaphor and sensual stream of consciousness perfectly portrays the all-consuming emotional swamp of jealousy. Indeed I think the swamp was your strongest metaphor as it really is so indicative of that state-of-mind when you are stuck in that same one mindset of seething envy, unable to move you thoughts away from that one target of your jealousy.
ReplyDeleteTherefore the only criticisms I would make are therefore not concerning your ideas as these are very original, but rather the method in which you structure these ideas. I would compare your poetry to Jaffacake's to a certain extent, in that both of you are very expansive and flexible in how you structure your work, using techniques such as stream of conscience, which is certainly very effective, but I think both of you work at your best with the discipline of rigid structures like the sonnet form, as the effort of maintaining a stream of conscience in a disciplined structure gives your poetry a very healthy contention. Indeed I feel some of the strongest poetry is rooted in contention. The intensity of the sonnet form, for example, rises out of the contention between the strength of emotion coupled with the necessity of restricting it into 14 lines. Therefore I would agree with Sophie and Helen that your poetry would definitely benefit from more caesuras, enjambement, and a stronger hold on grammar. But I don't think you will find this too much of a challenge as mastering the technical side of creative writing is always easier than mastering the creative side, which you are certainly very confident with,
Well done again,
Eoghan 'contentious' Lavery