That seemingly ineffectual spaceIn time, was actually not at all.
And now, he waits, he dares to step apace
He hesitates, convinced he will soon fall.
Yet taunts from his subconscious drive him on.
Intimidation fails to stop him now,
He charges. Man or monster, from far yon
A fantasy, yet not quite sure just how
He will defeat a beast of such status.
The climax soon arrives. To his dismay,
All bloody services, for him, gratis.
A step too far? The price he had to pay
Proved that. Temporarily nonplussed he
Gives up, now left a timid devotee.
Again, this is a really good piece of work. You’ve got a fine grasp on the formal demands of the sonnet, and couple that with some interesting ideas and poetic flair.
ReplyDeleteI’ll start with rhyme. ‘Restraint’ meets all the demands of the rhyme scheme, and your rhymes do not feel forced. At first I thought the use of slightly archaic words (‘yon’, for example) was a little jarring, but on re-reading it fits well with the mythic content of the verse. As rhyme seems to come so naturally, I would suggest you next push yourself further, by using rhyme to really CREATE meaning. So, the pairing “A” and “A” by rhyme means the two words reflect or deepen or undermine or juxtapose each other’s meanings. For me, the point of all these formal rules and regulations is that, if you use them properly, form equals content – the two are inextricable. I think you are MORE than capable of using form in this way!
You again show your mastery of iambic pentameter. Here, you use caesura and enjambment to good poetic effect. I particularly like lines 12 and 13; here, the meaning suddenly flips because of the enjambment (from, ‘well, it’s alright; it was the price he had to pay’ to ‘the price he had to pay proves he went too far’) You can afford to be a little more precise with your punctuation, though – for example, I don’t think line 2 needs that comma.
In terms of content, I really like how you’ve dramatised and enacted an abstract emotion. I like how the sonnet keeps shifting; it never rests in one emotional mood. As in Task 29, you reuse something familiar (in that case, aphorisms; in this, myth), giving it new meanings. If anything, I’d like the myth to be given a bit more of a twist, as it seems more of a retelling than a relocating. Is your sonnet intended to be mythic – a literal narrative – or is it metaphorical? If it’s the second case, I think that this signifier hasn’t clearly signified something (that is, it’s not clear enough what your metaphor, the myth, is actually referring too)
All in all, though, this is a really promising poem. Well done!
Hey Sarah_c,
ReplyDeleteFirstly thanks for the comment.
I've tried to reply three times to you now so I apologize now if I seem to be talking yiddish. I see where you're coming from when you talk about lack of direction in this poem, I'll just clear up some issues regarding this. I think the main reason for the lack of direction is as follows, I originally started off writing about emotions such as love or hate, but (as you highlighted in your comment) I refuse (sometimes quite stubbornly) to be subject to chliche, so I forgot about love/hate type emotions quite quickly. Then I realised, all emotions somehow or someway, stem off of love/hate. Except for one I could think of, restraint. Now because I was sort of forced to pick this emotion I sort of couldn't help but lose the thread at some times. And no, I'm not going to use the 'it was meant to be like that actually' card because, hands up, I was wrong.
Now excuse me please whilst I scrape the remains of my ego off the floor (you won't hear me say that often hehe).
Thanks anyway. :)
I'll look forward to more comments.
Carlsberger.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSome lovely imagery going on here - as Sarah says, it fits well with the mythic feel of the poem. "Yet taunts from his subconscious drive him on" is a great line - reminiscent of Beowulf-type legends, to me, because it economically gives a sense of heroism.
The iambic pentameter isn't always quite there. Lines 1, 9, 11 and 13 don't quite fit. "That ineffectual-seeming little space" works better rhythmically, as does "renown" instead of "status" in line 9. (May I suggest http://thesaurus.reference.com if the word you want doesn't have the right syllable-stress for the metre?! I always find myself reaching for the thesaurus when I'm writing...) I think "is free" works better in the metre than "gratis" in line 11, though your word is a much more evocative one (and, of course, rhymes! Maybe rejig that "renown" word, and find something to rhyme with that...?) Line 13 doesn't quite fit metrically, but I can't think right now what would fit... Play around with some alternatives.
This is really good, though - well done.
Take care,
Penny
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteGlad you remember me from last year, especially as a friendly face. I was thrilled when I found out I'd be moderating you this year, and I'd have recognised your distinctive writing even if you'd changed handles.
How's your ego doing? You certainly have the temperament of us poets. But you also have the single most important quality A UNIQUE VOICE. I've been living with this poem for awhile now and will just give you my interpretation.
You seem comfortable with the language of psychodynamics so I'll forge ahead, but let me know if anything is too unclear.
Ironically, I saw the beast as that superego which batters us over the head - that restrains us sometimes for our own good, and sometimes not. The subconcious, the Id, drives the persona into a futile attempt to defeat this restraint. As it happens with Id drives, the climactic battle results in regret, disappointment as there can be no lasting final victory - thus the anti-climax. The persona, the ego, then returns to neutral: "temporararily nonplussed.../A timid devotee" to the restraint of the superego and the drives of the Id.
Ok. So that's my intepretation. Back to your voice. You use words in such fresh, unique ways. (And I've just used cliches to try and describe it -arrggggh.) How about this. "That seemingly ineffectual space/In time, was actually not at all" is pure Carlsberger! The way it bends traditional syntax but remains harmonious. The reader has to twist their brain around to grasp the image of a potential filled pause - the same situation the persona is in! The understatement of "temporarily non-plussed" perfectly captures the anti-climactic state.
So, keep fighting the battle against cliche. Listen to that voice you've got and trust it.
Open up that subconscious, let the ego shape it into words, and when the superego gets too harsh just remember the beauty that's in those words.
pax
Thanks Pax,
ReplyDeleteThat interpretation had owls cooing in my head for a second, but yeah that was actually what I was trying to highlight in this poem. I like the way you've drawn bigger issues into that piece too, it solves the earlier problem of direction. Anyway I wanted to highlight the struggle in regards to the emotion 'Restraint'. Maybe that'll clear some stuff up. Although that confusion regarding restraint could be argued to be valid or invalid. (I hope it didn't seem as if I was trying to dig myself out of a hole there hehe).
Thanks again,
Carlsberger.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDelete"owls cooing in your head"? wow.
The important thing is that every reader is going to have a different interpretation based on their reality. Especially when the poetry (like yours) is strong and complex. It's actually fun to hear people find something that you didn't intend (consciously) when you wrote it. In this forum you can revise, but when you publish something you've got to let the piece go because the power's ALL with the reader. So don't let those owls make a nest.
pax
Not sure I've much to add to this plethora of excellent comments really, other than to stress how well you are doing.
ReplyDeleteYour iambic meter is patchy at times (Lines 1,2,9 and 13) - and I am not sure about the old-fashioned "yon" either. But there remains loads of dark, powerful and sophisticated stuff here, bearing your trademark voice and grabbing the horns of the sonnet form (including enjambement and caesura galore!) with both hands.
Well done!