The truth is never far behind a lie,
Since only lies can show what truths we hide.
You say you're sorry, but I know you're not.
Relieved and grateful you're the one who's safe.
She likes to hide reality away,
Because she dares not face it by herself.
She hides the stick beneath her pillow so,
The life within her doesn't realise.
The cold blue tears sprint down her tired sweet face,
Because the truth just snatched her dreams away.
She didn't study hard enough before,
Her tests; the keys to her Pandora's Box.
He's gone, he's gone forever, gone for good.
No note, no apology, no not one.
He's flown away, grown wings and taken off.
He's dead. Eternally he's left the joint.
The truth is there to bring you down to earth.
Since lies will only last a certain time
Before they come like tidal waves, that smash
And crumble everything beneath their tides.
1. Outside the window
A car whizzed by, not knowing Eddie's by
The corner. All he wanted was his ball.
2. What I'd like to eat
A sweet ice cream with flakes on top. Just don't
Put nuts please, I have allergies you see.
3. A recent dream
She froze time. Platform nine became this cold
And frightening place. Time was running out.
4. Annoying tasks overdue
The essay screamed my name. I turned around
To witness avalanches cascading.
5. My body
My fingers tapped away. Who knew that they
Could work so fast producing such fast art?
Hey, Eternity.forever.
ReplyDeleteWow - really good grasp on iambics there. Practically perfect. One line, as far as I can tell, is a tiny bit off:
No note, no apology, no not one.
It's the apology that shifts it. Try something like 'No NOTE. apPOLoGIES are LEFT unSAID' maybe. Really good work in all of that, and good to see you're including the tools of task two to good effect in the first task.
This:
He's flown away, grown wings and taken off.
He's dead. Eternally he's left the joint.
Is particularly great. I hope you're really proud of all of this.
Your skills are obvious in the second part too. Really inventive nuggets of poetry there. Cool use of rhyme and good understanding of your tools.
There's one bit in:
To witness avalanches cascading.
Where the metre is slightly lost. It's the 'avalanches' that does it (destructive things). Maybe try using 'an avalanche' and go from there if you get chance to correct it.
I like your use of emjambement to introduce new details in the first lines especially, with:
A car whizzed by, not knowing Eddie's by
The corner.
Clever stuff. The two 'by's jar a bit when spoken, but that's nothing really. Really well done with the whole task. Take care,
Andy
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I'm no expert when it comes to poetry (I'm more of a prose kinda gal), but even I can tell that there's plenty of great stuff here. I think that lines like 'Since only lies can show what truths we hide' and 'She likes to hide reality away' work well. They show that you have a good understanding of the form you are trying to master.
You make good use of use of caesura and enjambement in the second part of the task, too, although I think the syntax can feel a bit awkward at times. Your second couplet, for example, doesn't quite flow with the natural rhythms of speech.
Well done, though! I can tell that you've put a lot of work in to this task.
Helen
(Applause) :)
ReplyDeleteThis is certainly a learning curve for me, like Helen prose is my forte... The above comments have all posts covered with regards to tweaking certain lines.
I know the content isn't the focus for moderaters this week but as you've already got a great understanding of meter and poetic form already....
Is 'The Truth' meant as one poem or an assortment of different ideas? If the former is true then you might want to rethink the mix of subjects in the poem, switching from the speaker's direct address: 'you' to a more distant exploration of the girl: 'she'. The latter works well as 'she' becomes a point of reference for the reader, she could be anyone...
you stimulate a real sympathy for the unnamed girl.
It seems the only thing left to say is well done, really looking forward to reading your future posts!
Dani
I fear I am duplicating things here, but I shall make these points nonetheless. If I am repeating the other moderators, then I guess there’s no harm done. ☺
ReplyDeletePart 1
I can’t work out whether this is lots of discrete lines (as I asked for) or one, longer poem – but, either way, you’ve done really well. You’ve even managed to squeeze some of the enjambement and caesurae that I didn’t ask for until Task 2 – wow! :)
I am spoilt for choice when identifying particularly strong lines, but, if I had to do so, I would probably go for the endless euphemisms of “He's flown away, grown wings and taken off. / He's dead. Eternally he's left the joint.” And, of course, the poetic brilliance of: “Before they come like tidal waves, that smash / And crumble everything beneath their tides.”
The only missed beat is in Line 14, where “apology” is wrongly stressed.
And the only other line on which I plan to comment is Line 9. There is nothing inherently WRONG with this, but, since you are clearly SO advanced in your writing, I think you can grasp the point I am making. An unstressed syllable – as in iambic or trochaic verse – is kind of a throwaway syllable, necessary to link the important syllables, but not massively significant in itself. When one starts putting immensely significant and important syllables on unstressed beats, the iambic rhythm is kind of lost. In fact, what you start to approach is SPONDAIC rhythm instead. A spondee is a foot consisting of TWO stressed syllables, and I can’t help thinking that, in this line, “blue tears”, “sprint down” and “sweet face” are classic spondees. Do you see what I mean? This is a shame, because, as a line of poetry, this line is amazing – but it just isn’t quite iambic. How about something like:
“The icy tears flow down her weary face”? It’s a subtle change, but one worth exploring.
Part 2
1. See Angel_K’s end-of-line “YES” and “NO” on this task to see how the best enjambement selects very carefully which word hangs over the lines. What you’ve written here is absolutely fine, but I am not convinced “by” works as that final word. Do you see what I mean?
2. This is perfect. Well done!
3. Almost there, but a couple of slips. “Time” sounds like it should be stressed, which would create a spondee after your initial iamb. And “frightening” doesn’t really fit the iambic rhythm, with the subsequent “place” in need of a stress too. Hope that makes sense.
4. I love the first line (and the enjambement!) – but “cascading” breaks the iambic rhythm in the second.
5. Not bad at all – but I would quibble with whether or not “they” is strong enough to end the line, and “fast” appears in need of stress to me.
All in all, it is clear to me that you are almost on top of this difficult task, and have consistently demonstrated simply brilliant poetic skill and flair here. You should be immensely proud of yourself – and I hope you ARE!
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all your comments! :) They've all been (majorly) helpful and I'll definitely refer back to them on the next task. ;)
Andy: Thank you! :p I'll try to get a re-draft done soon and fix up those little 'off' bits. ^^
Hey Helen, I know what you mean about the prose thing. xD
Reading it again, I can see the awkwardness in the flow. Re-draft will definitely help (and being less tired). ^^
Daniella: *grins* Thank you for the applause. :) I think 'The Truth' was just something I wanted to surround the poem about. Whether it was around a particular subject, I wasn't really sure until the words just started to flow. ^^ I suppose it just ended up as a jumble of big ideas and beliefs. I'll try focussing on something next time. ;)
Sir: I forgot to fix the glitches, I know. :D
I understand the spondaic rhythm thing. I went a bit OTT with the big emotional line. xD
I'll also try and email you a re-draft of the poem. This year I want to make sure I learn from the mistakes I make. ^^
E.
Hey!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say I think the content of your poems are really good and you certainly grasped the iambs and the enjambment and caesura.You did go off a bit with the iambs( same as me :)) but apart from that I think you did a fantastic job.
Keep up the good work.