I used to shine like a beautiful star,
Now it seem that my shine has been undone.
A love so strong to interfere with.
A grain of good inside the greatest bad.
It’s miraculous what a hug can do.
A hug can cheer you when you’re feeling blue.
It can bring smiles back to a faded face.
A hug can even soothe a small child’s pain.
We scarcely could survive without a hug.
A hug can delight and warm and charm you.
A hug is a priceless, beautiful thing.
So in your free time please give one today.
I prayed to god to send me an angel,
A couple of days later you arrived.
A friend’s indeed only when they’re in need.
Your gruesome features make me want to hurl.
To fall in love is something you should try,
Or get to try before the day you die.
You want to stab the girl in the heart,
This may be hate but this is just the start.
1.Outside the window
I see the bare branches. Autumn is here
The rustling of the crunchy brownish leaves.
2.What I’d like to eat
A huge chocolate cake. I would devour.
The lovely dark chocolate lined with icing.
3.A recent dream
The wind in my hair. The water beneath.
This falling sensation could not be real.
4.Annoying tasks overdue
Picture frames. Crying out to be dusted.
As they hang on the partially painted walls.
5.My body
Yes it’s different. Don’t mean that you will change it.
To hate or not to hate it’s up to you
By *miracles*
Hi miracles,
ReplyDeleteThere are many strikingly poetic lines and images here.
"The wind in my hair. The water beneath./ This falling sensation could not be real."
This is beautiful. It is peaceful, calming, even if the falling dream may be frightening.
If I had read it on it's own, I would have nothing but praise. However, because the assigment is iambic pentameter, I have to focus on one fault.
In general, throughout your submission you have the correct number of syllables/ feet, but too often the stresses are misplaced.
For example, with the stresses, your first line reads
the WIND in MY hair. THE waTER beNEATH.
Try reading the second line with the stress on the second syllable.
I've chosen this specific poem (and it is, almost like a haiku, a good poem) because it displays real talent. I only worry because you have tried to force it into a pattern which does not suit it.
Ok, now look at some of your strongest lines:
"A grain of good inside the greatest bad."
This is perfect iambic pentameter.
Both the metre and the stresses.
It also uses alliteration, (the "g" sound at the beginning of words) which fall on the stressed syllables. This plus the perfect metre makes the line sing, makes it more memorable (as in music).
Similarly,
"To fall in love is something you should try,/Or get to try before you die."
is powerful partially because it IS in iambic pentameter.
The distinction important not because of the assignment, but because you need to recognise that the voice in the poem, your voice, is crucial. Training yourself (just as training for music or sport) in these basic building blocks will allow you to get the most out the talent you so obviously have.
"The wind in my hair. The water beneath. This falling sensation could not be real."
That's really spoken to me. Thanks.
pax
Hey miracles,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, love your username. Big believer in miracles? Second, I’ve been able to connect with your poems, really see something in them, more than I have with most poems I’ve read recently – and I’ve had to read lots for school. You’ve got some beautifully strong phrases, like, “I used to shine like a beautiful star”, “A grain of good inside the greatest bad” and “To fall in love is something you should try/ Or get to try before the day you die.” For the first, I love how you “used” to shine, it sets the mood for the poem instantly. For the second, as been said, the repetition of ‘g’ is brilliant, it emphasizes the line so it sticks out clearly for the reader. And the third, I love, because I love love, because it rhymes and because it’s perfectly iambic.
And that’s another thing. I know the rules of iambic have been pointed out to you already, so I don’t want to go over them with you again. It’s a tricky skill to master, and one that takes time. I think it’s difficult to stick to the structure, because trying to stay within syllable count and emphasis, can cause one to lose meaning in a poem. I think you’ve done really well to still share, or give something to the reader and keeping (mostly) with the iambic pentameter. It feels natural and flowy – be proud of that.
Also, in part two, I really like “My body”. It’s confident, smart and to the point. A poem like that should be that way.
One thing I’d keep in mind, or one thing I find important, is try to find new ways to describe things. There are commonly used phrases that work their way into poetry. What we need are new ideas. For example, in my favorite book The Story of a Marriage, the author describes a character’s love with, “I loved you like a field on fire”. It has never been used before, it’s unusual, but it makes sense. It’s challenging, but I see talent in your poetry, so give it a go.
Ever need a question answered or if you’ve revised a poem and would like an third-party perspective, let me know.
Good work!
Genevieve
Hi, miracles.
ReplyDeleteI think the first 2 moderators have covered a lot, so I will go through and point out a few of my favorite lines and ideas in this work. I'm also going to ignore iambic pentameter for now, and just focus on what you've got.
First of all, I LOVE what you've written for Annoying Tasks Overdue. It's so simple, and true, and conveys a very vivid image for me. You might be interested in the poet Robert Hass. He was also very into 'stripped-down images'; he liked to let images speak for themselves, which is precisely what you have done in this example. What I love about it is you don't attach any obvious emotion or conclusions to these lines; you simply present the image of dusty picture frames and half-painted walls, and allow the reader to draw their own conclusions about the rest of the room, and who lives there, and what they're like. It's awesome. :)
Also, I wanted to comment a little bit on the celestial imagery of your first piece. You used words like 'star' and 'shine' and 'angel.' In revision, if you would like, I think it would be pretty cool to use similar words throughout. Words like sun, moon, comet, constellation... anything you see in the sky that might fit the mood of the poem.
Mind you, this is a suggestion, and not a necessity; I just think it might help to bring the poem together if other 'heavenly' words were used, just kind of a way of tying things together. It's something to play with, anyway.
Keep it up, and let me know if you'd like me to clarify anything I've said.
Maria
Oh dear being the last moderator leaves little to be said, must try to get in first next time :)...
ReplyDeleteMeter is definitely a difficult discipline to get to grips with, and I've probably learnt just as much as any of you guys during this task!
You've managed to get some really striking images into this task,
'The wind in my hair. The water beneath.
This falling sensation could not be real.'
Echoes of the Imagist poetry of the early 20th century, Ezra Pound, H.D... (maybe have a little look at their poems on the net) they wanted to strip their poetry back to basics by getting rid of any words they thought were superfluous, pointless and in doing so the image or moment they were left with was usually, like yours, beautiful.
Keep hold of these images, wrap them up and put them somewhere safe so that when we get onto the prose strand of the task you can develop them.
Looking forward to reading your future posts. Pugnax provided some great advice, hope it helps for the next task... sonnet, a real challenge.
Good luck!
Dani
Hey Miracles,
ReplyDeleteAs the actual moderators have already said, I think the level of your imagery is absolutely amazing for your first post on Wordvoodoo. ;)
Lines like "A hug can even soothe a small child’s pain" and "To fall in love is something you should try/
Or get to try before the day you die" are just emotionally fantastic. You have a way with words that just helps you as the poet to plunge into the reader's mind. Well done!
As genevievew said, you have a natural flow in your writing. The iambic rhythm is hard to catch on at first (trust me, I know. ;p), but with practice, you'll be able to combine the two to produce what the moderators and I hope to be, outstanding pieces of poetry.
Good going,
E.
Thanx 4 all da gd comments and advice its all appreciated ;)
ReplyDeleteComment on ma sonnet pweez :|
ReplyDelete