Part 1
1. Some say it is hot but I am freezing.
2. Adisa the Verbaliser was good.
3. I find it hard to rhyme with out rocking.
4. My bag fell in to a puddle its wet.
5. How can I cope with all this stuff you throw.
6. My flowers never survive the winter.
7. My shirt is sweaty on my back today.
8. My head feels like it will implode tonight.
9. Your socks are a very deep shade of pink.
10. The dinner’s getting very cold today.
11. The table lamp is very hot to touch.
12. Without my iphone life was super dull.
13. The lights are on but no one’s home today.
14. You are my beautiful little baby.
15. She always said you were irritating.
16. My mother always said, “Eat your green beans”.
17. My book is sitting on the shelf unread.
18. The lovely flowers are in bloom today.
19. My table is as hard as molten rock.
20. Sir makes us learn iambically this way.
Part 2
Outside the window
A tree sways. The autumnal breeze makes the
leaves fall down. They won't ever recover.
What I’d like to eat
At times I love jellybeans, they make me
smile and feel that life is truly worthwhile.
A recent dream
I smile but it’s not funny, my ruby
lips deceive you all, over and over.
Annoying tasks overdue
My rubber waits. O! to erase this line
from the page that taunts me all my hours.
My body
When you walk past me everyday I
Always shake and quake. Now please hit the brakes!
1. Some say it is hot but I am freezing.
2. Adisa the Verbaliser was good.
3. I find it hard to rhyme with out rocking.
4. My bag fell in to a puddle its wet.
5. How can I cope with all this stuff you throw.
6. My flowers never survive the winter.
7. My shirt is sweaty on my back today.
8. My head feels like it will implode tonight.
9. Your socks are a very deep shade of pink.
10. The dinner’s getting very cold today.
11. The table lamp is very hot to touch.
12. Without my iphone life was super dull.
13. The lights are on but no one’s home today.
14. You are my beautiful little baby.
15. She always said you were irritating.
16. My mother always said, “Eat your green beans”.
17. My book is sitting on the shelf unread.
18. The lovely flowers are in bloom today.
19. My table is as hard as molten rock.
20. Sir makes us learn iambically this way.
Part 2
Outside the window
A tree sways. The autumnal breeze makes the
leaves fall down. They won't ever recover.
What I’d like to eat
At times I love jellybeans, they make me
smile and feel that life is truly worthwhile.
A recent dream
I smile but it’s not funny, my ruby
lips deceive you all, over and over.
Annoying tasks overdue
My rubber waits. O! to erase this line
from the page that taunts me all my hours.
My body
When you walk past me everyday I
Always shake and quake. Now please hit the brakes!
Hi there, chocaholic (that makes two of us).
ReplyDeleteWow, you've been very ambitious here! Well done for being fearless.
However, I don't think you've quite mastered iambic pentameter yet. You're nearly there - and you've written some perfect lines - but other lines need a bit more attention.
I think you improved along the way in this task.
These lines are all perfect:
8. My head feels like it will implode tonight.
9. Your socks are a very deep shade of pink.
10. The dinner’s getting very cold today.
11. The table lamp is very hot to touch.
12. Without my iphone life was super dull.
13. The lights are on but no one’s home today.
Good stuff.
However, you need to really think about the natural stresses to words. It is easy to force words into a certain rhythm, but this can make the rhythm very unnatural and jarring. For example, the stresses in your first line should read like this:
some SAY it IS hot BUT i AM free-ZING
Some of those stresses should be the otherway around, really. When we say the word 'freezing', for example' we don't say 'free-ZING', we say 'FREE-zing'. Similarly, we don't usually emphasise the word 'is'.
Another place you've done a similar thing is in your line:
You are my beautiful little baby.
To fit in with iambic pentameter, you would have to say 'lit-TLE' and 'ba-BY', but it is more natural to stress the first syllables of these words.
Some words don't have a dominant syllable.
At times I love jellybeans, they make me
smile and feel that life is truly worthwhile.
This is a lovely couplet, but the words 'jellybean' and 'worthwhile' don't fit in with the rhythm, again. You would have to say 'jel-LY-beans' (which would in turn put emphasis on the words 'THEY' and 'ME', which also doesn't sound quite right).
Overall, I think you've come up with some really imaginative images and lines. 'Outside the Window' was beautiful. And you've written some perfect iambic lines, but you've just got to watch the natural rhythms of words, so you don't force them into a rhythm that makes them sound strange!
Hey, chocaholic.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff here. I realise you've had a lot of feedback on your first section, so I'll focus on the second (well done with the first though - hearing the rythm will get a lot easier, so no fret).
Good imagery with your 'window' piece. Examples where the rythm could be shifted are 'the autumnal breeze' and 'they won't ever recover.' Maybe try 'auTUMnal BREEZes MAKE the LEAVES fall DOWN.' That way you keep your beautiful scene and the correct metre.
I love your annoying tasks section, especially the 'O! to erase this line.' Your grammar throughout is excellent, and your ideas are inventive. If you get chance have a re-read of some of these, feel proud, and also listen to the metre - I'm sure you can fix the bits that don't work.
Well done, and take care,
Andy
Hi Chocaholic,
ReplyDeleteWith a lot of feedback from Sophie on Part 1 and Andy on Part 2, I'm not really sure what's left for me to say!
I think you've got a solid grasp of the iambic pentameter, good job, and I also really like some of your images; the ruby lips in 'A Recent Dream'and the leaves in 'Outside the Window'.
You've tried hard with the enjambement and caesura and this has been largely successful, I really like what you've written. Well done!
Frankie
I fear I am duplicating things here, but I shall make these points nonetheless. If I am repeating the other moderators, then I guess there’s no harm done. ☺
ReplyDeletePart 1
Well I reckon 11 out of 20 of your lines are perfectly iambic – and a 55% success rate sounds pretty impressive to me. You’re spot on, in my view, with 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 17, 18, 19 and 20. Well done you! And there are some brilliant lines there too, which not only master the rhythm but also work as impressive poetry too – I particularly like “My table is as hard as molten rock”. A perfect iambic pentameter in every way.
As for the other lines, please forgive me if I rephrase them as follows, to show you just how CLOSE they were to iambicism (if such a word existed!):
1. Some say it’s hot but I am freezing cold.
2. Adisa’s Verbaliser was so good.
3. I find it hard to rhyme if I don’t rock.
4. My bag fell in a puddle; it is wet.
6. My flowers never see the winter through.
9. Your socks are pink – the very deepest shade.
14. You are my baby – beautiful and small.
15. She always said you irritated her.
16. My mother always told me, “Eat your beans”.
Hope that makes sense: just ask if it doesn’t! :)
Part 2
The first point I will make is regarding enjambement. Once you have mastered the basics of this technique, it is good to start to give some serious thought to which words you choose to end a line and, therefore, hang over to the next one. Look at Angel_K’s “YES” and “NO” at the end of lines in her Part 2 to see what I mean and how you could apply this to what you have written. As for your attempts, you have your 10 syllables throughout, but the rhythm often wanders. Permit me to suggest the following redrafts?
1. The tree begins to sway. Harsh autumn’s breeze
Soon plucks the leaves. They never will grow back.
2. At times I love my jellybeans. They make
Me smile, and feel that life is still worthwhile.
3. I smile but it’s not funny. Ruby lips
Deceive you all repeatedly. I win.
4. My rubber waits. I wish I could erase
This line. It taunts me loudly from the page.
5. You saunter past me every day. I shake
To see you pass. Why won’t you hit the brakes?
I hope that makes sense. All in all, it is just a question of trying to HEAR the iambs as you write; BREATH the rhythm as the poetry comes out. Maria’s tip to Nika is a good one – so you could always try that?
I can’t wait to read your Task 30: it’s such a joy to moderate work like this. :)