Why do you torture me so much?
You've taken my heart and dashed it against a wall.
Do you enjoy smashing my soul and such.
Your words pounded into me causing me to fall
Into deep misery, depression and agony.
I see your face at the back of my eye.
I cant eat cause your rejection haunts me.
Every time you see me you give this little sigh.
I know that forgetting you is the key,
But I cant, everytime you deny me I
Want you even more. You to be beside me
Forever. To have you by my side to hold my
hand. This vast wound you have torn open won't mend
But I will always love you until the end
I know that some lines in this don't have 10 sylables and some have a bit more, but then if it didn't then it wouldn't make any sense. Plus it wouldn't be iambic aswell.
ReplyDeleteHey Grim Reaper,
ReplyDeleteWhilst it's good that you can read your sonnet back and see that you haven't got the iambic pentametre, remember that you are in control of the sonnet and all of the words in it. If a line has too few or too many syllables, you can change it. If a line doesn't fit with the required metre, it's OK to erase it completely and try something new.
Please don't be disheartened though. With some editing, I think you will be able to get it and for some of the lines this may be easier than you think, for example, line 14. If you changed until to 'til, it would have ten syllables and be in the iambic pentamete. It takes time to write a sonnet as they're bound by strict rules, but please don't be put off because when they're finished they can be really great.
However, this is a very good piece of poetry, I like it. You're obviously very creative and you've got the rhyme scheme bang on with every line which not every student has managed to do, so well done. Your poem is full of emotion too which is great to see.
You have made good use of caesura and enjambement too. My favourite use of enjambement is on the lines 13 and 14.
Keep bashing on with the iambic pentametre though, that's the weak spot. I count the syllables on my fingers for each line and put a dash under each syllable which should be stressed and then read it out loud to see if it fits with the way the word is said.
I'll apply this to part of your poem to try and explain it better, using line 7 'I can't eat 'cause your rejection haunts me'.
With the U/U/U/U/U/ of the iambic pentametre, your line has to sound like this: i CAN'T eat 'CAUSE your REjecTION haunts ME. But, when read normally, the stresses fall differently: I can't EAT 'cause YOUR reJECtion HAUNTS me' - unfortunately not iambic pentametre because its /U/U/U/U/U. This is a good line of poetry though, the emotion is strong, but you really have to work hard to combine the emotion of your poetry with the metric confines of the sonnet. Please keeping trying, I think that when the two finally mesh, it could be amazing!
hello there!
ReplyDeleteimmediately, well done on sticking to the rhyming scheme of a traditional sonnet! secondly, well done on using a volte after your first octave, very effective! i'm glad you noticed that some of your lines are a few feet out, remember that to truly master the sonnet form you need to be able to contain words within that structure or else it's not a proper sonnet, and sonnets really can be amazing to read if they're written right!
as for content, you've chosen a typical (but this isn't necessarily bad!) unrequited/heart broken sonnet which is what the sonnet masters of the sixteenth century wrote about, so it makes for an interesting read!
i think the first comment explains how you should go about reading iambic pentameter aloud to yourself to see if it's right, so i'll focus on your use of caesura and enjambement for now, to avoid being repetitive! it's a shame you only really used caesura once, you could have used it a few other times because you used it perfectly here, very effective. you haven't used enjambement very much either but the times when you have used it it's really sped up the rhyme, for instance 'causing me to fall/ into' is brilliant, really dramatic. the list effect that follows makes your argument even stronger.
Finally, i'd like to say well done on the ending! it really sets up the tone of the poem because it starts with questioning, showing the insecurity of the speaker. it's also what shakespeare used in his sonnets when he was lamenting over his 'dark lady'.
well done, apart from a few troubles with keeping to iambic pentameter, it's a good attempt and you've used other devices very well!
Thank you for these positive comments. I'll try to incorporate some of the stuff you have been saying into my work.
ReplyDelete