Your Deadly Needle Punctures violently
My heart absorbs the pain; ingests the lies
Its Venom spreads afar, consuming me
Apparently you do enjoy my cries
The veil is gone and all I see is trash
I wish I could escape this shrinking cage
If only I could burn your lies to ash
I’m sure I could move on and turn the page
Although I’m doomed forever by your curse
I won’t give you a chance to view my strife
I’m ill, my heart is torn and there’s no nurse
But still I’m quite relieved that I have life
I can’t believe I thought our love was pure?
But Through the pain and hurt I will endure
sorry, i didn't mean for the font to be that small.
ReplyDeletealso, i forgot to add labels so here they are: scarlet-kyuubi,task 19. :D
OMFG
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most powerful things I have ever read in my whole life, ever!
Well done Grace!
aaahhhhh thankyou sooo much :D
ReplyDelete(i also just noticed that there's a question mark at the end of the second to last line - that's not supposed to be there oops!)
Ah Grace, this is so awesome! I love it!
ReplyDeletex
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Well done!The only bit of criticism I have is that the first line doesn't go with the meter.Apart from that I loved it.
ReplyDeleteomdzzz...that's really strong and powerful... i really like it...well done x
ReplyDeleteHey that was really good !!!
ReplyDeletewell done !
I would say that "violently" is dactylic (i.e. VIO-lent-ly), wouldn't you? To stress the final syllable, as you need to to include it in iambic meter, sounds a little odd to me.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, this is flawless, inspired, expert, extraordinary verse, and a mind-blowingly amazing sonnet from start to finish. Well done, s-k! :)
Hi Scarlet Kyuubi
ReplyDeleteExcellent strong sonnet with some really good visual imagery. Particularly liked the 'needle punctures'- this gave me a real feeling of the sharp pain caused by rejection here. Really liked the way you used the physical form of the sonnet to show the flow of (metaphorical) poison through your narrator's body - by ending a line with 'ingests the lies' and beginning the next with 'its venom spreads...'
Some hiccups though! Your first line is 11 syllables, as I'm sure others have pointed out.
You have capital letters on 'Deadly Needle Punctures Violently', 'Venom' and 'Through'.
Is there a reason for this? If it is to emphasise these words more, then they really do not need this. They are strong enough to stand on their own.
And when you write that your narrator is 'quite relieved' that she has life... is there not a stronger sentiment than this one that you could find??
Really good stuff though!
Best wishes
ann g
i really appreciate your comments and i will take on board what you have said. :D
ReplyDeletep.s. i hadn't noticed the capitals until you pointed them out and there is no particular reason for them
(i really don't know how that happened) :D lol
Hi Scarlet-kyuubi, this is a really accomplished sonnet and pretty much perfect in terms of rhyme and meter. (I think violently at the end of the first line is fine, though it does require a stress on first and third syllables; requiring it to be pronounced with three not four syllables is also fine since the meter is so strong that that’s what the reader naturally feels impelled to do.)
ReplyDeleteI’m only offering the following thoughts since you’ve otherwise done so well on the task, so don’t read them as criticism! There are many strong images and ideas in the sonnet, and it might be more effective if you stick to two or three: there’s a needle injecting lies and venom; a veil; a cage; fire; a curse; and finally the idea of illness. If you stick to thematically linked images (eg lies/venom/curse/illness) then the poem will be even stronger as it works through different aspects of the same idea (see any of Shakespeare’s sonnets for how he does this). Sometimes, in terms of content, you are also overstating – a deadly needle that punctures violently; a curse that dooms – where you can say the same thing less emphatically to greater effect. But regardless of that, this is an extraordinary and excellent sonnet. Well done!