(A middle aged woman standing over a large Oak coffin. Dressed all in black, tissue in hand.)
Hello love… makes a change, you being to quite! You always did me head in with that music of yours! I was thinking, I could pop down to the charity shop tomorrow and hand ‘em your records. They’re of no use now are they? (nervously laughs…)
Corr Blimey! Betty’s gonna miss you aint she?! Deary me, you and that dog were like two pea’s in a pod weren’t ya?! I always thought you were bloomin’ mad to love such a scruffy little thing. She’s gonna miss you.. we all are… (stares at the floor in thought…)
Aunty Peg brought round some lovely flowers to the house, they give it a nice atmosphere you know? You never did like flowers did ya love? “I’m allergic” Bloomin’ allergic my arse haha! (Pulls out a seat and sits beside the coffin)
You know… it’ll never be the same without you…you’re still my little fella whether your down here or up there ( points to the ceiling while wiping her nose and sniffing) I hope I was a good mum to you love. I tried my best, I know at times it were bloomin hard with your Dad running off with that tart and us alone with no money, but, we got through didn’t we love (reaches in and touches the hand of the corpse) Stone cold… You never did like winter did ya. I always had to fill that Disney hot water bottle up for you (giggles to herself) Even when you were a little baby, I had to wrap you up in two blankets because your poor little toes were stone cold. (Smiles to herself and staress at the corpse)
Listen to me going on about old times... but you see dear.. memories are all I have of you…(a tear trickles down her face) Fella, you were the best thing I ever had in my life, and still are… I’m gonna miss you like mad son… It’s not the same without you…(She jerks out of her seat) Oh, well I must be going, the after party is kicking off… I’ll dance for you fella, I’ll make you proud of me, you always loved my groovy dance moves didn’t ya?! Haha! (the light slowlys dims)
Say hi to Nanna for me. I love you fella.
Apart from the odd basic error ("to quite"????), this is incredibly sophisticated and advanced script-writing, which captures the original and distinctive voice of your character with countless colloquial devices, and draws us irresistably into this woman's world.
ReplyDeleteThe only main area for improvement, perhaps, is the ending. I was so enthralled throughout I anticipated some sort of surprise, twist, shock or shift at the end, and yet it kind of petered out there. Can you think of any way you could have hit us a little harder with your final flourish?
Dear Chex
ReplyDeleteApologies for such a late response! I've a bit of a flimsy memory and totally forgot there was stuff waiting for me on wordvoodoo!
I like how you’ve gone for a really distinctive register and speech pattern, and you use it consistently and effectively without going overboard (although do people really say ‘corr blimey’ these days?) You really capture a sense of secondary characters and things taking place around the funeral (eg the dog, Aunty Peg and the flowers). The way she speaks to him is moving, because we can tell she’s trying to speak to him in a natural way, as though he’s still alive, but then at times her sorrow breaks through this effort to be ‘upbeat’.
I think it might be interesting to have a sense of how old the kid is when he dies – we have references to him as a baby and little references to his early childhood, but it might draw us closer if we could picture how long ago she’s thinking about – is this a young boy who died, a teenage son, a man in his 30s?
Good job with this
Claire