The fact you choose to still push me away
And act as though I'm never really there
You seem as though you've nothing much to say
You treat me like you think that this fair
I cry and cry just hoping that you'll see
The hold you have on me is just not right
I'm hoping someday that you will agree
The hold you have on me is just too tight
You say that this is just the way I feel
And that for you it just is not the same
You seem to think that I can cope and deal
When will you see my love is not a game
But I can't take it I have had enough
It seems to be that this is one way love
Well done,your poem was really absorbing and emotional.It really makes you empathise with the writer.
ReplyDeleteHey, Shani,
ReplyDeleteYou've chosen a nicely powerful topic there - very appropriate for a sonnet - and you've done good things with it.
Some little bits don't fit the iambic rythm as well as the rest (most of it is really strong though). The 'as though' bit could be shifted to 'You treat me like all this is really fair' just so you don't have two softer beats in a row (me as).
Similarly 'I can cope' doesn't quite fit, so juggle stuff around - maybe 'I can just cope or deal' or 'that I can cope and deal' if you wanted.
Well thought out rhymes in all this, and good handling of a heavy subject. Well done, and take care,
Andy
Still some problems with the meter in Lines 3, 4, 10, 11 and 12 - as I said to you in my email (did you not have time to remedy those?).
ReplyDeleteOther than that, though, this is first-rate sonnet writing, of which you should be immensely proud. Seriously. :)
Hello, Shani.
ReplyDeleteThis is very powerful stuff, and there are some really good moments here. I particularly like your repetition of the sixth line – ‘The hold you have on me is just not right … The hold you have on me is just too tight.’ I think that this helps to give the piece a sense of frustration, as well as creating momentum within the poem.
I like the shift in the last two lines, which seem to offer hope and suggest a new strength and determination within your narrator. And I agree with Andy that you handle a big, dark topic in a deft and honest manner. Congratulations.
You need to capitalize the letter I when you use it as a first person pronoun, and I think that it might be worth structuring your sentences with punctuation. However, I think that your hard work with this has really paid off. You’ve done a great job.
Helen
I reposted it with lines 3,4,10 and 11 re-done at 12:10 on the 16th of February 2008. sorry i didn't want to mess up the structure of the blog by reposting it totally in another post.
ReplyDelete