deprived we tried to melt the ice around
yet even when we discuss we cannot save
the lust the love achieved when we were bound
so now it seems cupids bewitched my heart
and left my loves, my wifes blood pump switched off
although he knew we were a work of art
and she was ill :love sick ,not just a cough.
its over now and im convinced we hid
the one relationship that i regret
you don't deserve applause for what you did
as now you are asleep,no more a threat
so babe,sorry it had to end in death
but your control led you to your last breath.
the end!
p.s i think that class has helped a bit lol
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThat's cool. I can see from the ending that you've had some fun with this, and it comes through in the tone too.
There a few bits where you lose your metre. The opening line would need you to say 'Des-erv-ed' to fit the metre, which is funky, but doesn't sound that natural. Also the third line goes a beat over.
Lines like 'the lust the love achieved when we were bound' are perfect imabically (and sound ace too), so if you use that as a template maybe that'll help.
Careful with where the soft sounding beats are as well - 'Cupid' and 'blood pump' are a bit out of synch.
Relationship is a nice juicey word to fit into iambic by the way - well done, and the line 'you don't deserve applause for what you did' is awesome.
The last two lines are fun, but just as an example, 'sorry' doesn't fit the rythm - try: 'So babe I'm sad it had to end in death.'
I enjoyed it, and your ryhmes are nice and solid - you should be proud of them. Hope that helps. Take care,
Andy
Hey Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your poem because you created many nice images and sounds, ex: “Deprived we tried…”, “the lust the love…”, “You don’t deserve applause for what you did” are all great, as is the final line.
I agree with Andy’s comment that “deserved” throws off the rhythm in the first line. You could change it to something like: “Our love deserved much more than what we gave.” I also agree with his comment about the 13th line.
Line 6 has too many syllables, and I'm not entirely sure what you mean to say here, so have no suggestions for changes. But, that said, I love the image of the “wife’s blood pump switched off.” But, as much as I like it, I don’t think it’s iambic.
I also love the bit: “love sick, not just a cough.” But I don’t think this is iambic either.
Try to tweak your great lines to fit into iambic pentameter - or else save these lines to use in a free verse poem or a story later on!
As Andy and Orange say, the following bits need a little reworking:
ReplyDeleteLine 1: "better"
Line 3: "discuss" and "cannot"
Line 5: "cupids"
Line 8: "love-sick"
Line 13: "sorry"
However, that aside, this is splendid stuff - and demonstrates how good you CAN be. You've almost conquered those tricky iambs, and your fresh and original ideas and expression continue to distinguish you from the crowd. Well done! :)
Hi Sparky
ReplyDeleteReally good sonnet, full of menace and darkness. I do agree with Andy and english guru that you lose the metre in line one and that you have too many syllables in lines 3 and 6.
In the first four lines you seem to be dealing with the failure of a relationship, and the narrator realising this. So in the rest of the sonnet has the narrator then killed the wife - as seems to be suggested in lines 5 and 6 - or has another person done so, as this seems to be suggested in line 11 ''you don't deserve applause for what you did.' Up to line 7, I get the feeling that the narrator, bewitched by love, has killed his wife. But in lines 7 and 8 I get the feeling that someone else has killed her! So you might need to make the progression of who did what to who clearer throughout the sonnet.
But don't lose your lovely dark visceral images when doing so!!
Hope this helps!
ann g