(In this last scene John reveals to the audience the "dark secret" that has been questioned over throughout the play. Standing on the roof of a nine storey apartment, he stares down at the darkness below him slowly reciting the following)
I'm loving angels instead... They do not hurt... they do not disrespect... they do not challenge or fight... they do not need to learn to love... they are not scared... they are not negative. I will follow in my mothers, my brothers, my sisters and my daughters footsteps to the gates into heaven where they will greet me with smiles of long lost times when i was with them, laughing, crying, singing, and compelled with a passion stronger than all others. They will tell me how much they love me and how they miss me and have thought of me everyday, knowing I'd soon be with them. There is nothing down here for me. Earth is the real limbo described in the bible. Life is (he pauses) a test of time. To beat it, you yourself needs to be a stronger more powerful force. I do not have that force. God please for give for what I am about to do... It is for you and Janice, and James,and Lucy, and Lilla. Oh God, lilla, how is she? Is she happy? Does she still smile when she thimks of me? Does she miss me? Tell her I am so sorry. I am so sorry for what I have done. Her petite neck, A perfect fit for my hands which gripped and held on to it as if holding on for dear life, ironically. Are her eyes as misty blue as they were before ... before... before. Is her hair still as silky and as blonde before the perspiration of trying so hard to be freed got to it? Does she know how she came to you? God, was it selfish of me to try and protect that poor innocent soul from this Limbo and all the creatures in it? Does the sun shine in heaven illuminating little Lilla's face? Is she wearing her favourite dress? The Baby blue dress with the orange flowers. The dress i buried her in. Tell her I'm sorry, Daddy never meant to drink and shout and spit and hit and hurt her. Mummy never meant to watch and cry, paralyzed from all the fear. Mind you, your mother always seemed to be paralysed from fear, the fear of me. Tell little lilla it wasn't daddy that was hurting her, it was daddy's illness. Remind her of Jack. Does she cower into a corner? Is she scared? Does she remember him and all he did to her? Tell her... tell her... tell her he's coming for her, (mysterious smile appears) tell her Jack is coming, Jack is coming for her, Jack is coming and mummy's not here to help. Jack is coming, Jack is coming lilly baby! ...
(And with that, he eagerly jumps)
OMG!That is one good monologue.I love the way you bring it to a climax. It just left me hanging and thinking about what happened before to little lilla. Well Done.
ReplyDeleteWowee. ;)
ReplyDeleteIncredibly dark and deep. Fantastic work! I admire how you kept the reader going right till the end, just to understand what he was going to do.
"Her petite neck, a perfect fit for my hands.." Amazing sentence. And the relevance to God and Angels is strikingly used. Well done! ^^
thankyou evryone...expect comments back xx :D
ReplyDeleteIt's GOOOOD sister =]lol. I Love it. And especially the freakyness of JACK lol. I'm keepin' well away from Jades Brother lol. Well Done Though =] x
ReplyDeletelol oh yh i 4got dat was jades bro loliez fankyu b xx :D
ReplyDeletelol the last few lines are hilarious but loving it allllll :D though im slightly freaked out LOL :D
ReplyDeleteloliez fankyu b xx ;D
ReplyDeleteHello Jaffacake,
ReplyDeleteThis is a free-flowing piece of monologue, really exuberant, gleefully dark at times, and full of ideas.
My main criticism would be that it tends towards the overwrought, clearly you are aiming for a certain level of intensity but you should excercise a level of restraint/control to avoid things like pastiche and cliche, when not necessarily intended. It feels like you were on a roll when writing this, which is great, but you always need to read your work back.
Repetition is a useful technique but don't overuse it, think realistically about how your character would speak and behave in this situation.
I have to agree: 'Her petite neck, A (sic) perfect fit for my hands' is a great phrase, but would be better without the capital a after the comma, cut the rest of the sentence, leave it to stand on its own! Make sure to watch your spelling and punctuation in general, be consistent e.g. capital letters at the beginning of names, apostrophes to indicate possession.
Good work,
S.
thank you Simon :)
ReplyDeleteAs Simon says, this is a little overdone at times, powerful though it indubitably is. Power can often come as much from economy and evasiveness as it can from graphic and lucid detail - and you need to think at all times about the effect that every word, every phrase, every sentence is going to have on your reader (or, here, your audience). The other main criticism I have is that, apart from the last couple of lines, much of this reads more like a suicide letter than a piece of spoken drama. Look at some of the other submissions which strive for a true colloquialism in what they write, and see if you can emulate that a little?
ReplyDelete