(A solder positioned in Afghanistan recounts the situation with himself and all the other troops fighting against terror in wars around the world. He stands leant over his warrior tank, its about midday and his squad are on patrol)
I don’t know where I stand nowadays I tell yer (he slings his m-16 over his shoulder) if it wasn’t for the bloody Americans we’d all be dead by now, dead and buried in an unmarked grave. I remember my first contact, ‘shit’ I thought ‘looks like Mr.taliban’s come out to play again ‘cept this time he’s bought all his mates and his overnight bag with him’ ‘cept they wouldn’t need it since they had just been pumped full of lead covering every square inch of their skin turning their white hijabs crimson ‘rather it you than me’ I thought to myself with a smirk. It was part of the job description by now, kill or be killed, was my sergeants advice (glints at the sky) great man, great leader. Ill never forget the day he lost the game to a bunch of crackheads, remember it like it was yesterday, ‘take cover’ they were his last words before his body earned the tag ‘corpse’ and was lashed viscously against the wall.
(Getting emotional he takes a moment to catch his breath, he steadies himself and carries on)
People just don’t understand you know? The pain, the sorrow, the battles and the stress, it all adds up! (Holds his head in his hands) I never wanted to kill anybody. It wasn’t my childhood ambition. Yet nowadays as the government states that ‘we shall stand for what is right’ sometimes I ask myself just what is right, right nowadays has been distorted to kill the bastards whatever the cost, I mean it seems like were just gonna carry on killin’ til’ there ain’t none left.
(its about 6pm and the troops are back at base, whilst many get dinner he is outside preparing himself for what's to come)
I’m supposed to be leading a 10-man operation tomorrow, there’s a hangout or somethin’ in the mountains and there meant to be trafficking cocaine or some type of anti-depressant through the boarder, cant say I blame them, poor buggers are probably as high as the mountains, that would explain the suicide bombers anyway.
(Drags himself back to his to his tent and gets ready to settle down for bed)
I tell yer its lucky I got out whilst I still could, pressure was all too much and for once Mr.taliban finally came in useful for something. Do I regret ending it all? Do I balls, nobody gave a crap about me anyway, I mean they didn’t find me until 8 hours after the overdose. Finally now I have had the last laugh and as I look down from above I can’t help but realize. Just who is laughing now.
Wel dun...u chose a gd topic 2 tlk bouh...sumtin dah i was considerin maself...wel dun x
ReplyDeleteHey carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteI love the way your character speaks – I could get an image of him in my head as a laid back but tough kind of guy from his dialect and the way he chose to describe things. Description is great – I love the line “pumped full of lead, every square inch of their white hijabs crimson” and the phrase “his body earned the tag ‘corpse.’” Very unique.
The description and colorful language wanes after the first half of the monologue – try to keep it up as you’re getting towards the end, too. The last two sections seems more vague than at the beginning.
Some of your sentences are run-ons, which makes it a little difficult to read. If you’re trying to show how your character speaks in run-on sentences, it might be easier on your reader to use more commas, dashes, or ellipses.
I'm mildly confused at the end – it sounds like the character switched sides during the war after a drug overdose? You’ve also mentioned drug trafficking, and it’s not clear who is doing what. You’ve used the words “they” and “them” a lot – does this always refer to the enemy? I like that you're alluding to events that have happened and not flat out telling them, but maybe one extra phrase or sentence could help.
Good work!
This is a brave attempt to analyse your characters moral dilemma and complicity in the Afghan invasion. Your use of technical language and slang is convincing and helps give depth to your character so well done on that.
ReplyDeleteI am sure many soldiers have complicated and conflicted feelings about their involvement in various wars, so, I think you ought to develop this more here. Bring in more information about his relationships with fellow soldiers. This line: 'Yet nowadays as the government states that ‘we shall stand for what is right’ sometimes I ask myself just what is right, right nowadays has been distorted to kill the bastards whatever the cost, I mean it seems like were just gonna carry on killin’ til’ there ain’t none left' is very insightful, play up the clash between the soldier's own morals and the government's agenda there.
In terms of the drug trafficking, it would be more realistic if the Taliban were smuggling raw opium, cocaine probably passes through, but its production is less likely in this part of the world. You could do something quite 'Apocalypse Now' with that.
I took it that the soldier commits suicide by drug overdose at the end, due to the pressure of his situation. It is confused though. The shift from him leaning on his tank to taking this role as omniscient narrator following his death seems too harsh. Perhaps have him laid out on top of his tank or something. As readers we would still get that sense of ambiguity, not knowing whether he is dead/alive at the beginning, and it's a very powerful image. As Orange suggested you could have him working for both sides, that would be really interesting! Up to you of course.
Good stuff, hope that helps.
S.
thanks for the help, i realize how big a task writing in such genre is now! especially so since ive never experienced such a situation.
ReplyDeleteNot much to add from me, I'm afraid. I think this is bold, ambitious, potent stuff - and could be even better still if you follow the advice above.
ReplyDeleteYou're an asset to the workshop: keep it up!