I loved him. I knew it had to be love
They told me I was infatuated
I told them not true, I was hand, He was glove
Because I knew what we had was sacred
So I texted and called him day in
Day out. Most of the time he texted and called back
He was mine. My world revolved around him
Then she came. She came and she attacked
Her hair, her eyes, she was beautiful
to him. She was the wicked witch to me
What was wrong with me? She was much more cool
Friends said it's not me, so I let them be
So now I walk by and watch them lock lips
Minding my business, that's my best tip
well I think that was right what I said-just double check anyway!!!
ReplyDeleteThat was really good but on the 3rd line there was tomany synabols. (11)
ReplyDeleteand the line about where she came in and she attacked has to less synabols(9-not 10). and the line underneath had 9 again. it's a bit tricky to see which lines are which so just enter when you finished the line-thats what I do, its a bit easier that way to see which iss which.
annonmous.
Apart from the two lines annonomus points out, the rest of your poem has the right number of syllables, but almost none of it adheres to the iambic rhythm. This seems a shame since I am sure you mastered some iambic verse in Task 17, didn't you?
ReplyDeleteI think it is going to be too hard for me to correct every glitch through a blogger comment (although your moderators are welcome to try!). I suggest you come and talk this poem through with me immediately after half term - since I presume you seek perfection here, and would want to banish anything mediocre? :)
Hi Jaffa
ReplyDeleteI have to agree, while the theme of this poem has a lot of potential, the iambic pentameter is still really tripping you up. I think it just needs a bit of back-to-basics examination of how iambic pentameter works...Have another look at task 18 perhaps - it's strange because your ex 1 (single lines of iambic p.) work perfectly there, but it's when you start into longer pieces in iambic p. (eg the quatrain in task 18) that it seems to trip you up. The best I can suggest is just to read through some poems in aimbic pentameter out loud, the beat is a really natural one & I suspect maybe it's just a mental block you've got, because you clearly CAN do it.
Best of luck!
claire
thankyu everyone for your comments, sorry i have been unable to respond any sooner. I find poetry quite hard to master but I think it will be diferent with dramatic monolgue. Thx :D
ReplyDelete